Parenting assessment

[Mossie20]

Hi, how do I challenge a positive parenting assessment?

My husband (currently divorcing) has passed a parenting assessment
He has been emotionally abusive and at times coercive, he has never truly wanted our son and twice agreed to and SGO, agreed to a care order and frequently missed contact. He has been described by a psychologist as highly likely to lie, that he can recognise emotion but does not care, is self centred and doesn't take responsibility for anything. He has also admitted to shouting at our son as a baby. The social worker has been told by multiple people what he is like not just me. I told her what he'd be like, he knew what to say but she doesn't care. She hasn't even read the Psychological. She asked at one point why I married him if I thought he was bad when I didn't truly know what he was like. I have found out since that family who met him just once or twice had bad feelings about him.

The social worker said last year before the divorce started, they were questioning his commitment and basically said I'd be better alone to then go on they weren't going to assess me. He then asked for an assessment and she said yes. A few weeks ago I found out I am going to be given one too but I am still waiting.

He doesn't show emotion, encourages dangerous behaviour, he will never put him first

Our son never mentions him only me

I have been to police (who don't like LA) but they can't do anything, its difficult to prove, but I might try again but I don't know if this will help even if he was charged with anything

My son would be better staying where he is than going to him

What can I do? I am so scared for him, he is only 4 and his life is going to be awful

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear Mossie20,

Thank you for your post. I am Suzie, an online adviser replying to you today.

I think the best course right now is for you to focus on the preparation for your own forthcoming parenting assessment so that you can show your strengths, significant changes that you have made since the care order was made and to explain how you would be able to keep your son safe in your care in the future.

You were told a few weeks ago that your parenting assessment has been agreed but you have not been given details. I would advise you to ask the social worker to confirm the decision to offer you a parenting assessment in writing.

I can understand that you wish professionals to be aware of your concerns about your ex’s positive parenting assessment. Should a plan for your son to be placed in his father’s care be proposed you would have an opportunity at that point to express your serious concerns to the social worker, the social work team manager and the independent reviewing officer.

I can also understand that you are scared but I am going to challenge your statement that your son’s life is going to be awful. You are a vigilant parent looking out for his best interests and advocating for him, both in his current circumstances and in decisions about his long-term care and that is cause for hope.

Best wishes,
Suzie

[Mossie20]

Hi,
I’m still waiting for the social worker doing the assessment to get in touch, I have asked a couple of times but still nothing. I have got a text saying I’m having one so hopefully they can’t backtrack again.
Showing change is difficult, aside from getting on better with my family which isn’t safeguarding I don’t know what I can do. It’s like I’ve got to lie and pretend what they said is true despite the evidence showing the LA lied. Anything asked for was done before the hearing, which was therapy for anxiety which was largely caused by them and worrying about my son’s health and his father. I had no history of any MH issues before. It also had no effect on my ability to parent and they allowed him to go to someone with anxiety which did impact daily life. They wouldn’t accept the completed therapy for over a year until it was a different social worker and tried to imply the private therapy wasn’t valid, however it wasn’t available on the NHS and it was clear they didn’t like that I had it done in time. I agreed to mediation with family which they backtracked on because they didn’t organise it and tried to make out a family group conference needed to be done first which the family worker agreed was backwards and didn’t make sense. The local authority and the judge said my parenting isn’t a problem and I have never had a parenting course recommended.
The issue they got involved over was not backed up by a medical expert.
I’m scared I’ll have my husband used against me, the main reason I tried to make things work between us is to keep my son safe so he wouldn’t be alone with him as I couldn’t just up and leave.
I’m scared housing will be used against me as I still live in the marital home which at some point after the divorce will be sold. I couldn’t get another mortgage alone, couldn’t afford private rent anywhere close and with private there no guarantee of permanence, and I couldn’t get two bedrooms if I applied to the council and my son would obviously need a bedroom.

Concerns have already been expressed to the social worker multiple times by multiple people, the IRO has been tired by family but throughout she has gone along with LA no matter what evidence is provided that they lied or whatever silly reasons they give for decisions. The social worker isn’t even reading important documents like the psychological.
They can’t accept he isn’t doing this because he wants to be a dad, its control and to hurt me. It still amazes me after agreeing to SGO’s as recently as November, a care order, missing contact frequently, and the majority of meetings they can think he’s capable of being committed even if he was safe.
My sister has warned the social worker she better hope it’s not another baby p, he has admitted to shouting at him as a baby, I've had to stop him shouting at contact and encouraging dangerous behaviour, it will only take once for him to snap and show his true colours and then it’s too late, he’ll either be emotionally damaged or worse.

If the worst happens and me ex gets him full time, I will have minimum input and there will be no one to protect him physically or emotionally. His parents will enable him they never find fault with him, and they are as emotionally damaging as he is.

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear Mossie20

Thank you for replying to us and giving us an update.

As we suggested, try contacting the social worker to confirm the dates of your assessment and do try and focus on your strengths: talk about the things you do well as a parent and the relationship you have with your son. The NSPCC has information about parenting, you can read it here.

Your concerns about the care of your child (by his father) and his future are of course understandable, from what you have written the social workers are aware of them – your parenting assessment will focus on you.

Family Action is an organisation that supports parents and offers free emotional support through their service called Family Line, here are their details. I hope they will be helpful.

Best wishes
Suzie

[Mossie20]

I know parenting wise there is no issue, they will make problems with relationships etc, questioning support, they act like I would need more support than normal despite when my son was at home, he was always clean happy etc never missed any appointment, medical care was asked for when needed, he saw family, probably more than he should given covid but a limited number and households where people were regularly tested.

The social worker is fully aware, but has admitted to family she hasn't read about him being dishonest and being able to put on an act. I warned her before he would say all the right things he can be mr charming when needed. some have seen through him, obviously the psychologist but one of the first social workers called him a narcissist and failed him on a parenting assessment. However despite only just finishing her degree she was mid 30's the current one seems very young and naive and I know its hard to see what he's like, I didn't see it straight away nor did all my family, some did straight away but understandably didn't say anything.

Could and official complaint do anything given the social worker hasn't even read everything and is backtracking on her own criticisms of him? I don't want to have to be able to say I told you so when it's too late

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear Mossie 20

Thank you for your further post.

Whilst I can understand your concerns regarding how the social worker may have been taken in by your husband. It may be that at the time the social worker met with you the full case file had not been read but this does not mean, I don’t think, that it will not be read.

Turning to your parenting assessment, it is important that you focus on that and work as well as you can with the social worker during the process.

You want to know what a complaint could do because the social worker failed to read everything. I am not sure it would be helpful at this stage. It seems you have not yet had the outcome of your parenting assessment so a complaint may be premature. It does not appear that you have the basis for a formal complaint right now. You can say to the social worker that you think it would be helpful to read all he information.

Whilst you know your husband and his character putting your focus on him is unlikely to help your case. The social worker will want to see that your focus is your son and what is best for him and how you can meet his needs. It might give the impression that this is not your priority which from reading previous posts would not be the case. Try not to appear stuck on your husband difficult though it might be. Social workers and the court are experienced in dealing with different situations and people. Also, it has already from what you say, been identified that your husband lies. I suggest you allow persons to reach their own conclusions and not put yourself in the position of being seen as not focussing on what is best for your. son.

I suggest you wait to receive your parenting assessment rather than pre-judge the outcome.

You can read more about complaints and children’s services duties when a child is in their care.

I hope this helps.

Best wishes

Suzie

[Mossie20]

Hi, I have received an email about a care planning meeting from the re unification team. My parenting assessment has not been completed, my ex's has and it was positive which is another serious problem. Does this mean that they are transitioning my son to him before my assessment is complete? how is that at all fair surely they should wait until they are both complete. What can I do? They are still ignoring any concerns about him

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear Mossie20

Thank you for your recent post. I am sorry to hear that your parenting assessment has not yet been completed. However, your ex-partner’s is finished and is positive. You have now been invited to a care planning meeting by the reunification team and are wondering what the purpose of this is. You are concerned that they may want to move your son to his father without waiting for the outcome of your assessment.

I would suggest that you email back and ask the social worker to let you know the purpose and agenda for the meeting. You can also remind them that your assessment is ongoing so will need to be completed prior to any decision being made for your son.

You say that children’s services are ignoring your concerns about your ex-husband. However, it appears from your previous posts that children’s services are aware of your concerns and will have considered them but their overall assessment of him has been positive. We do not know what is detailed in his assessment, but the social worker may have made recommendations for your ex-partner if they believed there were areas that he needed to improve upon or skills he should learn.

The best thing to do is to attend the care planning meeting to hear what is said and proposed and to put forward your views. If you have specific queries following this, please seek further advice.

I hope this helps.

Best wishes

Suzie

[Mossie20]

The social worker doing the assessment says they don't have to wait for mine to be complete. Yes they are aware of concerns raised by myself and others but the social worker isn't considering them and isn't reading relevant documents. She is not acknowledging domestic abuse and is backtracking on what others have said. she asked why did I marry him if I thought he was bad. She makes excuses for any commitment issues. I don't know if its arrogance that she thinks she can read him like a psychologist or naivety. The problems he poses aren't things he will change even if he wanted to. I have spoken to my solicitor but they won't help until my assessment is complete not with his assessment or abuse.

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear Mossie20

Thank you for the update. I understand your frustrations at the process and your concerns about the social worker’s engagement. It is a difficult and worrying time for you.

Hopefully the situation will change soon, your parenting assessment will be completed, and you will know with more certainty the next steps in respect of your child. Until this time, I think the advice previously given, about concentrating on your parenting assessment, engaging with the process and demonstrating that you are capable of caring for your child is the best way forward.

You can only control your actions, words and engagement. The social worker and other professionals will come to their own conclusions. This is out of your control. From the information already provided you have done all that you can to highlight your worries and concerns about your ex partner.

I strongly suggest you focus on yourself and work with your solicitor to ensure your sound, positive parenting qualities are highlighted within the assessment and court arena.
As your solicitor has indicated, you need to wait for the assessment to be completed and then work with them on a plan of action to move forward.

You have previously been given information and links to domestic abuse support and how to make a complaint to children’s services if you are not satisfied with their engagement. Please do revisit these links for further information and advice. I have further added HERE a link to Matchmothers. They are a charity who provide emotional support to mothers we are apart from their children. Please do check out their website to see whether this is something you think you may find helpful.

Best wishes, Suzie