ss informal supervised contact after nfa from police investigation

[duefeb]

so my now ex partner was accused of possesing indecent images and had to leave our home. All started when I was 34 weeks pregnant with our first child (I have a 17yr old from another relationship) he couldn't attended the birth and wasn't allowed contact until baby was a few months old)
it was a strained time and I put our relationship on hold.
He always protested his innocence.
1 year on police found no evidence so no futher action. ss called to tell me stating they still saw risk, still didn't want any unsupervised access, asking questions about our physical relationship. I at that point crumbled and told him there was no way back.
he's the avoident type so just wanted to believe being innocent was all that mattered and things would just go back to normal.
There were valid reasons for the investigation, his moral and faithfulness were certainly in question but I could have worked with that.
Now I don't know where to turn.
There's no child in need case or anything its all informal and responsibility placed on me. I want him to fight it and show he's a safe parent. How can I help him?

[Winter25]

Hi duefeb, I am so incredibly sorry you are going through this.

The reason you feel like there is no way out is because you have been left holding the entire weight of a system that has essentially used you as a free, 24/7 security guard for a year, and that is enough to break anyone.

I need to give you the truth because it’s the only thing that will help you stop the cycle of crying and sleepless nights. In this system, a police "No Further Action" (NFA) is not the "get out of jail free" card people think it is. Criminal law needs proof beyond a reasonable doubt, but Social Services only need a "balance of probabilities." If your ex-husband is the avoidant type who didn't fight the initial findings and isn't fighting for his child now, Social Services will never move. They see his lack of "fight" as a lack of "insight" or "remorse." They think if he won't even stand up to clear his name or prove he has changed for the sake of his child, then he isn't safe to be left alone with that child.

You mentioned you are begging him to fight so you can get your life back, but you have to understand that you cannot want this more than he does. If he is at peace with the relationship ending and he is comfortable letting you do all the hard work of supervising, he has no incentive to change. You are currently the only thing making his life easy, while your own life is being destroyed. By providing the supervision, you are actually "fixing" the problem for Social Services and for him, so neither of them has any reason to do anything differently.

The truth is, you cannot supervise forever. It is not your job to be a permanent, unpaid contact centre. If you want your life back, you have to stop being the one to facilitate everything. You need to look at the "exit strategy" for your role as a supervisor. This might mean telling hi, and Social Service, that you can no longer provide supervision due to your own mental health and that he needs to find a professional contact centre or another family member. Sometimes, the only way to get a father to step up or the system to move is to stop being the safety net that allows them both to stay stagnant. You deserve to sleep again, and you deserve a life that isn't defined by his actions.

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For full transparency, I am not an official adviser. I am a parent with lived experience of the family court system, offering strategic guidance. Always consult with a solicitor regarding ongoing safeguarding and court orders.

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

so my now ex partner was accused of possesing indecent images and had to leave our home. All started when I was 34 weeks pregnant with our first child (I have a 17yr old from another relationship) he couldn't attended the birth and wasn't allowed contact until baby was a few months old)
it was a strained time and I put our relationship on hold.
He always protested his innocence.
1 year on police found no evidence so no futher action. ss called to tell me stating they still saw risk, still didn't want any unsupervised access, asking questions about our physical relationship. I at that point crumbled and told him there was no way back.
he's the avoident type so just wanted to believe being innocent was all that mattered and things would just go back to normal.
There were valid reasons for the investigation, his moral and faithfulness were certainly in question but I could have worked with that.
Now I don't know where to turn.
There's no child in need case or anything its all informal and responsibility placed on me. I want him to fight it and show he's a safe parent. How can I help him?

Dear duefeb,

Thank you for your post. I am Suzie, an online adviser for Family Rights Group. Apologies that you have had to wait for my reply. The service has been closed over the bank holidays.

I am sorry to hear about your stressful situation. You explain that your ex-partner was accused of possessing indecent sexual images of children and children’s services became involved. You put the relationship with your partner on hold and children’s services established that your child is safe in your care, and that you would supervise contact with the father.

The police investigation resulted in no further action, but children’s services wished to further assess to ensure that your child would remain safe and at this point you ended the relationship with your partner.

You would like your partner to show that he can be a safe parent, but you feel that he is avoidant and is passively waiting for things to return to normal. In the meantime you are responsible for supervising the contact.
It sounds like the investigation or assessment was ended at the point that you clearly expressed that the the relationship was ending and also agreed to no unsupervised contact.

It is possible for you to re-approach children’s services and enquire as to how they would conduct or continue to risk assess to see if changes to these arrangements are possible in the future. You should make it clear that you are not proposing to alter the agreed safety plan prior to any risk assessment.

You are doubtful that your partner would make this approach, but it is of course possible for him instigate this and request a risk assessment from children’s services. Lucy Faithfull Foundation offer useful advice to anybody affected by issues relating to child sexual abuse or its prevention.
The advice line number for Lucy Faithfull Foundation is 0808 1000 900. Online resources and details of other ways to contact them are on the website here. Even if your partner is not willing to make an approach to children’s services or seek advice you could contact Lucy Faithfull Foundation to find out more about how children’s services assess risk. It might be useful for you to have somebody listen to you about the effect all of this stress and uncertainty has had on you, while you have forged on and made decisions that prioritise your child’s welfare.

Some parents in your position would seek emotional support if overwhelmed and there are helplines and text services available. Samaritans are on telephone number 116 123 24 hours/7 days a week.
Shout are a text service for emotional support. You can link to their website here. The number to text is 85258.

Lucy Faithfull Foundation have projects in England, Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland, but please note that some organisations only cover England and that procedures and legislation varies.
Both Parents Matter are an organisation that encourage involvement of fathers in family life and have an advice service.

Family Rights Group have information pages for fathers here that may also be useful to your ex.

I hope this has been useful. Different ways to contact us are detailed below.
You can call our free, confidential adviceline on 0808 801 0366 (Monday to Friday, 9:30am – 3pm) to speak in person with an adviser. We also have a webchat which is currently open on Monday and Thursday afternoons, and an advice enquiry form.

Best wishes,
Suzie