The future for me and her

[HopingMamu]

Hello.
It’s been a while since I’ve sought advice. After I withdrew my case to discharge a care order, the status quo is the same. I still miss her madly and her me. We both still want to reside together but we know it’s not possible currently.
Can I refer to something which children’s services manager said to me whilst the case was active.
“We can talk, but not whilst you are in court”
After I withdrew the case- his words gave me comfort and I thought maybe going down the court route had muddied the waters and after a 6 month stability period, I could approach the LA to see what their reunification policy is. Whilst thinking about this… I get intrusive thoughts about things reported and said by professionals
Ie- current placement is stability for the first time! You have not been well long enough or she’s been there too long. Recently my daughter has had her 7th new social worker. A glimmer of hope was felt because the last one was so obtuse.i was away for the last lac review as it was my birthday. I was not sent any minutes and the new social worker attended via link. I’m wondering how to approach her, to meet her.
Obviously I don’t want to hit her with a request about the reunification policy at the first contact. It has all gone quiet… no updates from IRO either.
I have noticed that my daughter seems defeated, does not want to talk about living with me again (yet wants to be here)
I feel she thinks I just don’t want
Want the trouble or it won’t work etc. I also don’t know what is being said by other people. When I say defeated, she says things like ‘carer hates me’
Ofcourse I’m horrified and ask how she feels about that and she says she doesn’t care. It’s like she’s made a stone of her little heart.
As for me, I’m starting to feel an immense guilt about becoming unwell and feeling it’s all my fault. Me neglecting my mental health lead to the ruin of our lives. I’ve built it back
Up again, but it’s not recognised. I’m thinking it should be a year before approaching with intent so maybe start the ball rolling after Christmas. Would it be a good idea to set my intentions now? They already know I want her home, so does it start with more contact? I’m well aware that FRG can shed some light on the these things.
Best wishes

[VD2ER]

I have read your previous posts and can't see, or have missed, your daughter's age.

How old is she? This is critical as her wishes should be given greater consideration with age.

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear HopingMamu,

Thank you for your post and welcome back to the parents’ forum.
I am Suzie, an online adviser for Family Rights Group replying to you today.

You explain that you withdrew your application to discharge the care order, and that your child remains in foster care. You are missing your daughter and she is missing you intensely. There have been seven recent changes of social worker, and you are wondering about the best way to start good communication with the new social worker for your daughter. You have not had a chance to meet her yet, but the new social worker has attended a looked after child review online. You refer to a remark that a social work manager made to you– giving their view that it would be easier to talk outside of the court process. You are now in that position; as not currently pursuing an application to discharge the care order. It would be reasonable to believe that there is now an opportunity for you to explore children’s services expectations and a clear explanation of the risks they would wish you to continue to work on for your daughter to safely return to your care, as well as timescales for review of progress made.

You can read about the different ways that care orders can be brought to an end here.

I would suggest that you request to meet with the social worker prior to the next looked after child review. This would be a chance for her to introduce herself and for you to begin to establish a working alliance before the formal looked after child meeting. You can read the Family Rights Group guide to working with social workers here.

Your daughter has said ‘ the carer hates me’, which understandably upset you. It’s important that you bring this up to the social worker so that she can explore the context and see if any extra support or review is needed in the placement.

I do not think it would be unreasonable to bring up the question of reunification at the first looked after child review. You can read more about looked after child reviews here.
It is important that you have the minutes of the previous review, so are fully up to date and prepared. It is appropriate to ask about the scope for reunification as the looked after child review purpose is to review the care plan and the first question to be considered at each review should be whether the care plan still needs to be in place. If the answer is yes, the social worker and the independent reviewing officer should be clear about the issues they still want you to address and some timescales for review of progress.

You should ask the social worker to provide you with a copy of the local authority’s reunification policy. NSPCC have published some recent research on reunification practice. You can read this here.

You write of your mental health, and how you feel that progress has been made but is not acknowledged by children’s services. Is there more you can do to document that progress in writing? Could you ask for letters to confirm your attendance at appointments from professionals that you engage with? Have you kept a record of courses, appointments kept – together with your own notes on insights gained and the changes you have noticed in your mood and ability to cope with any setbacks? You have noted that guilt about past episodes of mental ill health set you back when they become preoccupying. Are there strategies you could find to help stay rooted in the present situation and receptive to all the things your daughter wants to talk to you about in the here and now? You may find useful peer support via Match Mothers – an organisation for mothers living apart from their children here.

You can read Family Rights Group pages on how children’s services should work with parents with mental ill health here.

I appreciate how difficult it is for you to explain the current situation to your daughter, but you are doing everything you can to reassure her that she is always kept in mind. She clearly feels that she can talk to you about a difficulty and you are showing her that you can listen and respond proportionately.

Sometimes children and young people in foster care can become confused about the reasons they are living apart from a parent, and a coherent, age-appropriate explanation about this can possibly be overlooked when there is a lot going on and frequent changes of staff. This is another topic that you and the social worker could usefully discuss together, in case with all the changes of staff opportunities have been missed. You could ask if your daughter has had any life story work completed, or whether this would be something that would help your daughter at this stage.
Your contribution to any life story work would be very valuable as you can offer information about her family history and early years.
It may also help your daughter to have support from an independent advocate, to help her express her views and have her voice heard. You can read a Family Rights Group guide for children and young people working with advocates here.

I hope that you found this information useful.

You can call our free, confidential adviceline on 0808 801 0366 (Monday to Friday, 9:30am – 3pm) to speak in person with an adviser. We also have a webchat which is currently open on Monday and Thursday afternoons, and an advice enquiry form.

Best wishes,
Suzie