Ex partner and sexual assault charge but has it happened and could he come back.

[Tired and confused]

Hi all, this is rather a long post so please try to bear with me.
I was with my ex partner for nearly three years we knew each other growing up. After my divorce he contacted me and we decided to make a go of things, I have two children so took things very slowly his children are both in there 20s
Bit by bit he was spending more time with us than he was at his own place so when I moved house he basically moved in. Kids loved him to bits and we all got along famously. Both work full time and the kids saw there dad regularly, my daughter had a few issues with her dad but I have always refused to let the relationship be destroyed by teenage moodiness and have always supported her dad as did my ex partner.
Aughust of this year we went on holiday like we had done previously.
My daughter is 13 my son has now just turned 11. It was an alliclusive holiday and we where having a great time. Myself and my partner where at the side of the pool as we had been during the week playing water polo with the kids and the other family’s.
Suddenly my daughter jumped out of the pool hysterical she dived in and hit the bottom knocking out half of her front tooth. Eventually I was able to calm her down and said I was taking her back to the apartment. On the way back I realised that my daughter was drunk....not just a little bit I mean slurring words drunk. I got her back put her to bed and stayed with her until my son and ex got back to the room.
It was my ex’s birthday the following day and he had started celebrating early and came through the door very drunk !!!
I asked if they had eaten and he said no so I explained that my daughter was asleep and to listen out for her as she was drunk and I was worried in case she was sick but needed to take my son for food. I was gone all of about 25 minutes. On my return my daughter was still asleep and ex was on our bed. We all stayed in that night due to my daughter being asleep and ex still being drunk. He fell asleep on the bathroom floor.
Following morning we all went for breakfast and all was fine and we was arranging what to do for the rest of the day. It was my ex’s birthday.
After breakfast he went for his morning coffee near the pool and me and the kids went to sort out the swim stuff on the way back we stopped at reception to sort out a suprise birthday cake for him.
WiFi was not great but on the way back I picked up a message from a friend saying ring me now make sure your alone. I took the kids back to the room and went outside to make a the call . My friend said have you spoken to your daughter...no why ?
You need to go and speak to her she has spoken to *** last night and said that my partner had touched her inappropriately. ....
I went back to the room and my daughter was getting changed at that minute the apartment phone rang and it was reception saying I needed to go straight down as the police where there.
When I got down two police men and the hotel manager where waiting for me I was taken to a side room where the hotel manager had to translate what was happening during the conversation I heard the word molestation.
I stopped the conversation and said I have literally just found out about this but I don’t know what’s happened because reception rang me.
Ex partner still having a coffee.
Part of my job is safe guarding and the police explained that I was to go to the room speak to my daughter and bring her down to them.......no you can come with me and find out what’s happened at the same time as me I’m not being done for coercion.
We all returned to the room where I asked my son to stay in his room while we spoke to my daughter. She said that whilst I was gone the evening before my ex had gone in the room and tried to wake her by shouting from the door he then sprayed her with a water gun fan we had. He went over and has the touched her Innaproriatley She then said that the minute He heard me returned he Left the room. She had later woken up and messaged a friend and posted on social media what had happened, one of her friends who works for the police contacted Spanish police and they tracked us down.
The police explained that we needed to go to the station to make a stament and then would be free to leave. We had to take our passports with us.
We was then bundled into the back of a police car and taken to the other side of the island 40 miles away. My daughter did her statement via an interpreter who was unfortunately not very good, they then explained that my daughter would need to have a medical.
At this point she said no I don’t want to do it, but they insisted saying she had to at that there would be a court case the following day in front of a judge.
She had the medical which lasted two minutes and was just checking for bruising.
We was then taken back to the hotel and told the police would pick us up the following morning at 8am and that my ex had been arrested and was spending the night in jail.
The following day they did come for us and we was taken to court out in a side room and told that we would not speak to anyone prior to the case by are new interpreter who was very good.
At the point of the case in the court room my daughter backed down and said she couldn’t go through with it and refused point blank to go ahead. The case was dropped and closed there and then with no further investigation and my ex was released.
My daughter had heard him in the courts in the holding room at the side of us and desperately wanted to speak to him.
Now all through this I have supported my daughter and believed that the incident has taken place and was willing to do anything to see my ex punished.
Back at the hotel my son I had managed to keep out of the situation may saying that because she had damage her tooth the insurance needed details because they weren’t happy with the hotel. (I didn’t want him knowing what had happened to his sister ).
My ex returned to the hotel unfortunately at the wrong time and saw my daughter who promptly apologised to him and asked if we could carry on with the holiday and begged him to stay.
Now please please don’t judge but I allowed him to stay because I was scared witless of being in a foreign country by myself trying to protect my son from what had happened and my daughter who was showing no sign of fear or anything and if my ex had made it home before me I was petrified of what he would do to my home after the allegation made against him and there was only two days left of the holiday.
He stayed and my daughter was absolutely fine with him like nothing had happened and it was scary how she was reacting I was on pins for the entire time but she fever batted an eyelid.
In the meantime social services from England had contacted me and I arranged to meet them the day I got home. On my return I told my ex to get out and never come back, I spoke with the social and the process begins....
This is now a safeguarding issue and you must have no contact with him...absolutely nothing. I explained he had left the home that morning.
Later that night he turned back up to get some of his things whilst my daughter was at her swimming lesson and my son was at his dads. I told him to get his stuff and be gone by the time I got back. 10pm...my daughters an elite swimmer it was training.
I returned home to find him still there and drunk, I sent my daughter to bed and tried to sort him out but he was being verbally aggressive not towards me but about the situation, if I had contacted the police he would of potentially resisted arrest which I didn’t want my daughter to see and I couldn’t send him out drink driving.
I went to bed and left him downstairs hoping he would just go away. My daughters on the third floor and has to go past my bedroom so I knew she was safe and I didn’t/couldn’t sleep.
The following day he went first thing and I’ve not seen him since.
Unfortunately my daughter went to gymnastics and explained to the coaches what had happened on holiday....she a high level gymnast aswell. I had emailed them and her swimming coach whilst on holiday to explained what had happened at to please watch her on her return. They assumed it was a fresh allegation and rang the police.
Social rang me to say she was at the police station and social where on there way and that the situation had been escalated from a child in need to child proction after me breaking the rules of my ex being at the property until the assessment had been done, they where removed from me and had to go straight to there dads.
I fully understand why and have no problem with that because the children need to be protected.
Police came the following day to find out what had happened but said there was nothing they could do because the case had been closed in Spain.
Social service involved child protection, we are now at the beginning of September. I had full visitation right to the children but they where not allowed to stay overnight until full assessment had been completed.
The social and cps informed my ex husband that an interview was going to take place at school with my daughter to establish what had happened in Spain I only found out about this after the interview as my ex husband had been told not to tell me it was happening. I fully understand why.
My daughter at this point had refused to speak to the police and to cps but did do eventually.!!!
A few more visits form SS and the children where allowed home after a number of measures had been put into place and they respected my wishes about not speaking to my son as I had no concerns there and didn’t want him to know still what had happened to his sister.
Cameras fitted, no contact with ex, safety measures on daughters phone. All done
My daughter by this point (1month at her dads) was crying everyday to come home because she dosent get along with her dad at all.....he unfortunately dosent think women should have an opinion something my daughter most definitely has.!!!!
Cps manage to contact my ex and take him in for questioning.....case closed noth8ng to answer to as it was closed in Spain and they have no further evidence or allegations to arrest him on.
My daughter on finding this information out breaks her silence to me and her dad and says it never happened !!!!!
She had got very drunk and watched something on her phone about a school girl having a crush on her teacher earlier in the day, she had then woke up to ex checking she was ok fallen back asleep, woke up confused texted a friend and posted on social media.....hence the police in Spain. She then got taken by the police and it was a “rollercoaster she couldn’t get off and was my fault through pushing her to go through with it in Spain and at home”
I’m not convinced at this point but it answered a lot of questions that I never could
1) why she never came straight to me.
2) why she was fine the following morning
3) she was very drunk... we was doing tequila and kamakarzees bit all looked like lemonade.
4) why she wanted to drop the case
5) why she wanted him to stay on holiday with us
6) why she never wanted to speak to the police or anyone else and kicked off every time it was mentioned
7) why she blamed me
8) she fell with her dad because he told anyone and everyone who would listen after she told him not to.
9) why the ex said it never happened and was completely out of character.
The list goes on
I never told the SS about her saying it never happened because I’m still unsure myself and just wanted everything to stop and her dad never told them either.
We have now hit November and the case has been closed with SS.
They missed appointments p, upset my daughter who never wanted to speak with SS and generally where a bit crap in a few areas.
Ex has still never contacted us.
On the closing meeting safeguarding at school where involved and had spoken to my daughter prior, during the meeting they asked if safeguarding had anything to say.
Yes I am here to represent Olivia and she has asked when my ex can come home !!!!!
Omg I am lost for words.
Safeguarding asked the legal question of why not on behalf of my daughter.
SS said legally there was no reason because everything had been dropped with them and cps but obviously there is till a safeguarding issue.
I have explained to my daughter that although legally he can that if SS thought he was home he would they would have to go and live with there dad because we ALL see a safeguarding issue.
I have not told SS that my daughter has said it’s not happened because I wanted an end to the situation and he has never been in contact.... who’s going to put themselves in that firing line again.
I have spoken to SS and said she has implied that it’s not happened but not actually said it obviously to protect her because I don’t want her getting into trouble.
THE SS response was “ that’s upto you and dad, what would you like us to do ??”

I am so lost did it happen to my daughter or not ?? My ex husband now thinks I am some how still involved with my ex.......I really am not !!!
And has said he would ring the police etc who would arrest him and the children would have to go car to him....he dosent want them full time as it dosent suit his lifestyle.
My social worker said speak to dad and monitor the situation, case closed.
I have wondered if it’s worth. Speaking to the ex with my darter over the phone just so she can get it out of her system and if anything had happened perhaps it would resurface and shut it all down for good and she wouldn’t want to speak to or hear from him again.
She has refused counciling and won’t speak about it saying”knowbody is listening to her”.
Playing devils advocate.
What if it didn’t happen and someone has been accused although not convicted of this dose he not deserve and apology.
Or do as SS have advised and just monitor the situation.

Just for the record my daughter has no previous on anything like this and has always to,d the truth, she has no SEN needs and is working towards a scholarship for America she’s not daft and has very strong opinions.

What do I do ?? I would love to think that it’s not happened to her least of all for her sake but also on the basis that I don’t want to think I let a pedophile into my home, I really can’t trust anyone anymore and SS have not been the best with advice other than we aren’t trained to give advice.
If I believed my daughter and spoke to my ex would they try and take my children away again ??
I have signed no paperwork and everything was signed of at the child in need stage.
Police and CPs couldn’t do anything after they interviewed him.
It’s so easy to hate a man who you think has done something like this but hard to hate a man who you love and has t done this. My world on so many levels has fallen apart.
Before this everything was great we never even argued once in the time we was together but ultimately my loyalties and beliefs are with my daughter.

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear Tired and Confused,

Welcome to the parents' board and thank you for your post.

You describe in your post an incident in which your daughter, aged 13, alleged during a family holiday that your ex-partner had sexually abused her. No charges were brought against your ex-partner in Spain or the UK as your daughter felt unable to proceed with giving evidence. On returning to the UK, children's services became involved, and your children were placed on a child in need plan. This was escalated to a child protection plan after you allowed your ex-partner back into the home, against the recommended safety plan. The children went to stay with their father, however, from what I understand, they are now back in your care. You have no contact with your ex-partner, and the case is now closed with children's services. Children's services have said that if he returned to the home this would be a safeguarding issue. You say that your daughter has since disclosed to you that the incident did not happen and that your ex-partner did not abuse her. You would like to know if it would be worth speaking to your ex-partner with your daughter and what would happen if you were to do so.

Firstly, I am sorry to hear about the distressing and upsetting situation that your daughter and family have experienced. This has understandably been very difficult to deal with and navigate.

Children's services have stated that they consider your ex-partner to be a risk to your children. This is because of the allegation that your daughter made that he had sexually abused her, which, even if it did not progress to a charge, is highly concerning. You say you have ended the relationship and have no contact with your ex. It is likely to be on this basis that the case with children's services have closed the case as he is no longer in her life.

You say that your daughter has since disclosed that she was not abused by your ex-partner. I am not able to tell you whether or not the alleged incident took place, however, there are many reasons why a child who has experienced sexual abuse may withdraw what they have said. This does not mean that it did not happen. You daughter may be experiencing many frightening and confusing emotions at the moment.

You would like to know whether you should contact your ex-partner with your daughter. Given what your daughter has alleged, she may find this to be quite traumatising. Children's services are also likely to become worried about this - they have already stated that they would consider your partner moving back into the home to be a safeguarding risk. They are likely to become re-involved, and may escalate their level of involvement from last time. Children's services expect you to act in a protective capacity and to make decisions in your daughter's best interests. Your daughter is understandably going to require some support to process the past few months, and it is important that she is supported by appropriate adults around her to access this when she is ready.

I think it would be helpful for you to take a look at our page on sexual abuse and the impacts this can have.

You may also find it useful to contact Mosac on 0800 980 1958, who provide supportive services in a safe and non-judgemental environment for non-abusing parents and carers whose children have been sexually abused.

Best wishes,

Suzie.

[Tired and confused]

Thank you for your reply,
At the closing meeting safeguarding from my daughters school represented her she had asked if my ex partner was allowed to return home ? This was news to me.
The social worker said there was no legal reason as the case had been dropped.
I later spoke with the social worker involved and explained that my daughter was now implying that the incident had not taken place and where did that leave us, she said that it was upto me and the children’s father to make that decision and to just monitor the situation.
I have done a self referral for my daughter for counciling as the social workers haven’t bothered I have also had no paperwork at all from them and even asked at the closing of the case if I would receive any. The answer was no.
I asked what I could do about the situation with my daughter and what she has implied and the social worker replied. “What would you like us to do, the case is closed”.
I spoke to the councillor where I work who gave me the information about self referral and she said that my daughter is obviously going through a very difficult time etc but it might be worth her speaking to my ex on the phone to help her confirm one way or the other if she did actually go through it or if she is in denial, and that gut instinct after having no contact with him for so long may help her to realise it did happen but obviously I’m worried about contacting him and then the social saying I have done something wrong and it starting everything up again.
There is no paperwork that I have signed anywhere along this journey to say what I should or should not be doing both myself and my children’s father felt like she just wanted to shut the case and never hear from us again. Even when I asked if my daughter felt like she needed to speak to her would she be able to contact her and she said “no”.

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear TiredandConfused

Thank you for your further post. I can see that you are still unsure about how to proceed.

Please do take the time to read my earlier advice again and to consider the points I made in relation to contacting your ex-partner again with your daughter. I explained why this may cause your daughter further trauma and may also cause children’s services to query your understanding of your daughter’s needs and your protective capacity. You and your daughter’s father are the legal decision makers for her and are expected to act in her best interests. It is therefore up to you to decide, however, you should ensure that you behave protectively.

I recommended that you may find MOSAC to be a useful resource for you and I would encourage you to access support from them or perhaps to speak to the NSPCC for guidance about the situation and your concerns about how best to help your daughter. Parents Protect also provides useful advice and information.

It is important that you have a copy of the assessment that the social worker completed which should have been provided to you. As it was not, I would suggest that you write in and ask for this as soon as possible.

If your daughter needs any additional social work support you are entitled to contact children’s services to ask for this.

If children’s services do not provide you with a copy of their assessment report, you can make a complaint . Also if you are dissatisfied with the social worker’s response or their lack of clarity you could consider making a complaint. You can find out more here.

I hope this helps.

Best wishes

Suzie

[Tired and confused]

I completely understand the protecting of my daughter 1000% however I am confused about how to proceed because my daughter is not showing any signs of trauma hence while the councillor has suggested contact with the ex I would only do this with consent for social care and there father and in the closing meeting they suggested that sometimes you have to take the cruel with the kind to make her understand. It would some ways be easier if she spoke with my ex so I could judge her reaction and then I could start to rebuild her rather than her living in this false hope, however we are very quick (and rightfully so) to believe a child when they say that something has taken place but also very quick to believe that they are lying when they say it hasn’t happened.
I have previously spoken to many helplines including mosaic who suggested advocacy I have emailed them further for help but so far not heard anything back.
I find it very difficult when my daughter can’t understand why when the police and cps have cleared him and the social worker is refusing to give any clarity where I stand.
I obviously don’t want to cause my daughter any further trauma but if the only way is through having contact via a phone call with him is the only way to shut this down once and for all then I can’t help but think it might be the way to go.
I have received a letter today with regards to her counciling assessment so that may help.
I have always found it difficult when I see so many children in awful situations and feeeling quite helpless but then see my daughter who now seems to be wasting peoples time over a situation that “apparently “ didn’t happen.
I have spoken to stop it now, nspcc, Mosac, yourselves along with numerous other people and I’m coming up against a brick wall.
I obviously don’t want any further contact with social care because they have caused in some respects more harm than good and I have been in regular contact with the police and cps but even they now are not returning my calls.
I literally could sit and cry because I just don’t know what to do for the best.
If she wasn’t so adamant and sure that something didn’t take place it would be different but now I’m stuck in a minefield of what ifs.
My ultimate concern is my daughter it always has been and always will be but when she won’t see her own father ragular because of his behaviour and attitude and wants to see my ex partner who she does nothing but sing the praises of I’m really really confused.
I asked for paperwork and have had nothing !!! And that’s two weeks ago I really can’t take on a battle with them.

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear Tired and confused

Thank you for your further post. I can see from your post that you are still feeling confused and frustrated by the situation in which you find yourself.

You have been proactive in accessing information and protecting your daughter is you have stated your priority. I can only reiterate the advice in my previous responses to you. I would add that your daughter may be withdrawing her allegation out of concern for you as she does not want you to be unhappy. Consider getting her help before reintroducing your former partner but it is a matter for you to decide.

I hope you will get more clarity from children’s services regarding contact with your former partner. Has he sought to speak to anyone about his own feelings relating to the allegation? Whilst your daughter might wish to resume a relationship with him, he may not feel the same way. This is something your daughter might find difficult to cope with or understand.

Regarding your request for copy documentation from children’s services, you are entitled to have these and, it should not be what you describe as ‘a battle’ to get them. It is, however, for you to decide how you wish to deal with this issue.

Best wishes

Suzie

[Tired and confused]

My daughter has got a phone assessment with her councillor on Monday, as for my ex partner he has had no contact with any of us at all. When I asked him to leave he promised he would stay away because of what social care said and he has done, on his interview with the police when the contacted me to let me know that they had closed the case in his closing statement he apparently said “I love them all very much still and on that basis I will stay away so as not to cause any trouble”.
I do wonder if it is worth my daughter having phone contact with him and hopefully that will put a stop to this whole situation and I have considered that he may not want contact and understandably so if he is innocent.
Would you know if either social services or the police are able to to say if they feel it didn’t happen or do they have to assume that it did ??
It’s just very confusing when the legal and social services don’t give any answers in black and white or don’t return your calls.
Thank you for you reply’s they do help

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear Tired and confused

Thank you for your further post. I appreciate that your situation continues to raise difficult issues for you and your family, and I am sorry to hear that you are having such a difficult time.
You have asked if your daughter should have telephone contact with your ex-partner. Previously, your daughter has made allegations of sexual abuse against your ex-partner, and you have told me that she has since withdrawn this allegation. You have also asked if children’s services or the police are able to say if they feel the incident did or did not take place.
Contact with your ex-partner
From your earlier posts, I understand that children’s services considered your ex-partner to be a risk to your children. Children’s services have said that should your ex-partner return to your home that this would be a safeguarding issue. I understand that your daughter has withdrawn her allegation, but I would reiterate my advice above that there are many reasons why a child who has experienced sexual abuse may withdraw what they have said. This does not mean that it did not happen.
If you initiate contact between your daughter and your ex-partner, whether this is in person or via the telephone, this could result in children’s services becoming concerned, as they have identified your ex-partner as a potential risk to your children.
It may be that if you decide to arrange contact between your daughter and your ex-partner, whether by telephone or in person, as children’s services have identified him as a risk to your daughter, it could trigger further child protection enquiries.
Children’s services could also become concerned that by facilitating contact between your daughter and your ex-partner, that you are failing to take action to stop your child being harmed.
Children’s services and the police
You have asked whether children’s services or the police are able to say whether an incident of sexual abuse occurred or not.
Firstly, you have said that the police have closed the matter. This may be that there is a lack of evidence to prosecute your ex-partner as opposed to a conclusion of innocence on their side.
In terms of children’s services, first I would advise that you carefully read the assessment that children’s services undertook, to understand their position in relation to the allegation. As you have, rightly, acted in a protective capacity by stopping contact between your daughter and your ex-partner, children’s services have determined that she is no longer at risk of significant harm. If children’s services felt that she was at risk, it may be that they would have considered issuing care proceedings to protect her, and within that process they may have asked the court to look at all the evidence and decide as to whether an incident of sexual abuse took place. Ultimately, without taking the matter to court and the court looking at all the evidence, there will not be a firm determination as to whether an incident of sexual abuse took place. However, what is important is that you continue to act in a way which protects your daughter from any risk of harm – as outlined above.
I am conscious that you have had a few concerns relating to this issue, so if you would like to discuss the situation with an adviser, please call our freephone advice helpline on 0808 801 0366; the lines are open Monday to Friday from 9.30am to 3pm. (except Bank Holidays) Or please reply to this post if you have further questions.
Best wishes
Suzie