Found out i have a 12yr old daughter.

[MrRootBeer]

Hi,

23rd Nov 2009, my now ex falls pregnant while we are together. During the following month, it turns out 15 days earlier, she was with someone else. I was told baby was his. I hear nothing till 2013 when i get a message from my ex telling me this lil girl may go into care and court want a paternity test. I asked why they need one as was told "they just do" i agreed but i never got one sent. I chased up and was told its all sorted (i assumed they found out the real dad). Flash forward to June 2nd 2023 and i find out my ex passed a year earlier. I reconnect with a couple old friends who all new about the passing a year ago. It turns out, they never sorted who this girls father was. I found out that in 2013, the girl was handed to her grandma to live with. I messaged the grandma and got the cold shoulder. I tried again twice explaining what i had found out but still nothing. I contacted social services who told me they put me down as the dad. They knew all along i was the dad & for 10 years never contacted me or anything. Social told me to message again one last time everything you see above here and again I've not had any reply. Where do I stand here, I've just found out i am the father of someone and not known for years.

Many thanks for your time

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear Mr RootBeer

Welcome to the parents’ discussion board. Thank you for your post. My name is Suzie. I am Family Rights Group’s online adviser. I am sorry that there has been a delay in responding to your post.

I can understand that you may be feeling a range of mixed emotions. You have reason to believe that you are the father of a teenage girl. Sadly, your paternity was never properly confirmed. Also very sadly for the young person her mum has recently died too.

Understandably, now that you have this information you would like to be able to get to know the young person and play a part in her life.

You have acted very responsibly by contacting children’s services to enquire about her and to seek their advice about how to proceed. They encouraged you to contact the young person’s carer, her grandmother. You have made two attempts to do so. From what you say, children’s services haven’t given you any advice about what to do next if the grandmother does not respond to your most recent contact attempt.

It sounds as if the grandmother has parental responsibility (PR) for the child, probably under a Special Guardianship Order (SGO). Or perhaps under a Residence Order(RO) or Child Arrangements Order (CAO). CAOs replaced RO in April 2014. As grandmother appears to be the only person with parental responsibility then she is the main decision maker for the young person.

There may be a number of possible reasons why grandmother has not responded to you. I don’t know what your relationship with her was like when you and her daughter were together. Could she have concerns about possible risks? She may be worried about disruption to her granddaughter’s life especially as she has been recently bereaved. She may need support and advice too about how to handle the situation.

It is important that the young person’s needs come first in all decisions about her. Any attempts to establish a relationship must be at her pace. I am sure that you have already thought about this and know that it is a very sensitive matter.

There are two distinct issues here.

1) Establishing your paternity and your rights as a father

At the moment, your paternity has not been confirmed. However, there is a strong possibility that you are the young person’s father. Children’s services have your details and noted you as the person thought to be the child’s father at the time.

If you want to establish your paternity legally then you may find this advice from Families need Fathers helpful. This helps explore the implications for everyone involved.

If you want to consider applying for parental responsibility then this advice for fathers may also be useful to you.

If you are not able to come to an agreement with the young person’s grandmother you may need to consider mediation or applying to the court for a CAO to see her. I would recommend that you get legal advice from Child Law Advice about this private law matter.

We are unable to advise on private law matters but if there is a SGO in place you may find this advice sheet Special Guardianship information for parents useful.

2) Children’s services’ role

As far as you are aware, there were care proceedings back in 2013. You were willing to have a paternity test done then but it never happened. Children’s services knew of you. This raises many questions about why they did not contact you directly or involve you in the case. You can find an explanation of paternity testing as part of care proceedings here . When a father without parental responsibility is identified in care proceedings they are not automatically party to the proceedings. But they should receive notice that care proceedings have been issued .They are then usually ‘joined’ as a party to the proceedings by the court. This did not happen in your case. You have a right to ask children’s services to explain why not. You can consider making a complaint, if necessary.

Children’s services are probably no longer involved. However, if the child was placed with her grandmother under a SGO as part of care proceedings then their Special Guardianship Support Team can (but do not have to) offer support to anyone affected e.g. a father or a child. If this is the case, you could ask that they liaise with the grandmother to discuss your situation etc and to help with this. They can only make recommendations though. They cannot impose anything.

I hope this helps.

If you need any further advice about children’s services please post back or contact the advice service by:

• Calling our freephone advice line on 0808 8010366. The lines are open Mon to Fri, 9.30 am to 3.00 pm, except bank holidays.
• Asking a question on our advice enquiry form
• Using our webchat service .

Best wishes

Suzie

[MrRootBeer]

Hi Suzie,

Well where do i begin on what happened between my post & your reply.

So i laid it all out to the grandmother who does indeed have special guardianship. I told her everything that happened from my side & i explained that we can talk through mediation etc and had legal aid all set up ready, the next day i get a call from the grandmother.

We spoke for 2hrs, we cleared a lot of bad air when we both realised there shouldn't have been any bad air & realised what social failed to do.

During that call, the girl question wanted to speak to me so we spoke for 20 mins. After that, we met up and hung out for a few hours & we did a paternity test together.

The results came back that we are father/daughter. We text now daily, we speak on the phone a few days a week & we're meeting up again soon to talk about what regular contact will look like and how i can now support her & her grandmother.

I have been accepted as her dad and we are now working towards a fantastic relationship and hopefully a great bond.

I am currently at stage 2 of my complaint with social services & i have now sent them what you advised me about why i was never notified or given the opportunity to be party. I have both the complaint & i made a request under the freedom of information act. I honestly have no idea what will actually happen when it comes to light they didn't do what they should have done.

As for my daughter & her grandmother, we are building our relationship and we are on a good track.

Thank you for taking the time to reply & for all the useful info you gave me. Hopefully i can get some answers from social.

Kind regards

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear Mr RootBeer

Thank you for your updating post.

Congratulations on confirming that you are your daughter’s dad. I am pleased to hear that the relationship between you and your daughter’s grandmother, her Special Guardian, has moved forward. This has resulted in you meeting and continuing to be in contact with your daughter! It is good to hear that you are wanting to support both your daughter and her grandmother. You are working out how best to do this and how to spend time with your daughter. Things have moved on quite quickly; remember to take things at your daughter’s pace too. The Special Guardianship Support Team at children's services may be able to support you, your daughter and her grandmother as you navigate your way, if you need it.

You are at stage 2 of your complaint against children’s services. Please do get in touch again if you need any further advice about this or any other issues in relation to children’s services.

I hope everything works out.

Best wishes

Suzie