Father Involvement in Assessment / 45-day Time Limit

[StandingWithFathers]

Dear FRG,

I wonder if you can advise me in this situation. Children's Services became involved when I was under investigation from the police (since dropped). As I had a previous similar incident which was also dropped 5 years ago, social services appeared to think it would be appropriate to carry out an assessment. I assume that the 'risk' to my child that they could be referring to is the risk that the child might witness me getting into trouble with the law or the community. There is no suggestion whatsoever (and rightly so) that I am any danger or risk to my child and have only been a positive force in his life.

For context, I co-parented my 6yo boy and had him 50% of the time. I am an integral part of his upbringing, was actively involved in his education, life and learning, and he and I are best friends, like peas in a pod and inseperable. When this incident occurred I was not with my child (he was at mum's), but I was heavily intoxicated. I have since quit drinking for good and the transformative and positive impact it has had on my life this last 10 weeks has been immense. I've turned my life around and have put in place 10 measures, I am religiously following, to ensure a happy, healthy and positive future permanently.

Social services have not spoken to me at all. I was never informed by them about what was going on. Instead they have only dealt with his mum. They praised his mother for withholding my child from me and I have only been fed little bits of information from her, for the past 10 weeks, about what is going on. Nothing from them. I pleaded to at least be able to video call him, and apparently they were happy with her position that she didn't want this in the interim. Completely illogical to me, and clearly just a way to punish me, but it is what it is.

Background to our Co-Parenting
A big reason why I was so forceful on ensuring I had him 50% of the time is because I wanted to protect him from his mum's controlling and coercive behaviour. She has been damaged by her own father's extreme anxiety and constant controlling and overbearing behaviour. She is just the same as him (which is why she hates him and cut him out of child's life without just cause, much to everyone's frustration). She has extreme anxiety and OCD, with an overbearing and controlling approach to everyone and everything. Things like calling multiple times a night to check I've tested the fire alarms, switched all the plugs off, closed the windows, locked the door, done this, done that. Every night. Things like insisting I have GPS trackers switched on whenever we would drive to see family in the next county or coming round to my house and screwing all my furniture into the wall in case a chest of drawers should fall over. If you don't answer the phone immediately, she rings, rings, rings, rings, rings, rings, rings, and eventually drives round and knocks on the door. She's manipulative and I could have her convicted for controlling and coercive behaviour, of a textbook nature. But the list goes on.

Since co-parenting, I challenged her behaviour successfully and, with the support of her family too, we persuaded her to get therapy. That therapy has turned more into her using counselling as an opportunity to vent, rather than dealing with her anxiety and narcissism disorders. I was extremely concerned about my child ending up like her (with anxiety and controlling behaviours) or her siblings (with extreme anxiety, depression, involuntary ticks and fears of the world). I'm no saint, and I can go too far the other way sometimes, but I felt that we could successfully balance each other out with my little one, so that I can help protect him from the overbearing behaviour and helicopter parenting. I would just have to bear the brunt of her treating me like a 15-year-old (even though I am extremely successful and stable, well accomplished, in a respectable professional career, and several years her senior).

When the recent incident occurred, she responded to me with extreme anger. She hates people drinking and hates the fact I was not a law-abiding citizen, like her. She loves to see this as an opportunity to drive a wedge between my child and me, to move me further out of the picture in his upbringing and to assert herself as the one in charge. It reinforces the position that she is the "safe parent" and I am the one who needs monitoring when I am with my child, and that she basically gets to reach into my time with my child and control us.

The Assessment
During this "assessment", I have not heard anything except for occasional messages from the mum to say that "they" (referring to her and the social worker) had come up with a "plan" for me moving forward. I waited patiently for 46 working days since the referral (the assessment window limit) without a word from social services. I called the mother yesterday and said it was good news and it was time for me to see my child, and collect him next weekend, as this assessment appears to be not going anywhere. Indeed, I have had nothing from them. She then panicked and flustered and called them.

She then called me back later last night and told me she had been sent the "report" which has put in place the measures that her and the social worker had agreed for me moving forward. The report put in place requirements for me to follow, before I can gradually be eased back into having my child again, over several months. (Fortunately, the 3 requirements were already on my list of 10 things I am since doing religiously anyway.) It's clear this "plan" has been concucted by the mother, with social services viewing the situation from her perspective and rubber stamping her "safe parent" status. It apparently ends with comments to the effect of, "If the mother has any concerns, she can contact social services and we will step in to support her and take further action." Gosh, talk about giving someone with a narcissistic and controlling disorder - that is harmful to our child - greater resolve and a damaging amount of power.

Straight away, the control was apparent. I have since moved in with my brother, into a stable home we both co-rent. "He can only stay with you at your parents." "But what about him eventually staying with me and my brother, where we live, so he can stay with the kitten." "No, I would only be comfortable him being at your parents for now. Not at least until I can come round to your brother's house and check it's all safe for him." I've no idea what for. I am guessing to check the furniture is all screwed in, the plug switches are off, that we don't have any people over ever and we're testing the fire alarm every week.

The Situation Today
A social worker is now calling me back today (he missed me earlier, as I was working, but might call back today or tomorrow). He is apparently going to be calling me to explain this report to me and what the "plan" is for me moving forward. This is the first I have heard from social services, 47 working days since the original referral and since I've seen my baby.

I have two questions. Clearly the guidelines have not been followed here.

For one, this "assessment" should have been carried out within 45 working days since the referral. I appreciate there can be extensions perhaps, but surely that must be in cases where there are compelling reasons? Not just because "We ran out of time, because it was a lower priority case". I can try and argue this point, but I fear I might not succeed.

More concerning, perhaps, is the total lack of any input from me into this assessment. I co-parented my child a single parent 50% of the time (usually 4 days a week). I know him better than anyone. I was the one at all his activities, school events, the one filling in his homework book, the one teaching him about the world, protecting him from harm, etc. I should surely also have an input in what is in his best interests and would be helpful (or indeed, harmful) for him in terms of his mental and physical health?

Am I not surely within my rights to take issue with all of this when the social worker calls me? I think he has been successfully manipulated by the mother (naturally) and they have fallen into line with her assessment that she is the "safe parent" and I am the one who needs to be monitored by her. Surely that is a dangerous idea when she has severe issues with controlling and coercive behaviour and I am trying to protect our child from that? I struggled to challenge her on her problems as it was, but this could truly embolden her to monitor my phone constantly and require hourly check-ins from us. (I know that when he has a phone, it will be him she's hoping to have hourly check-ins from and will be subjecting to never-ending ringing if he doesn't reply immediately.)

Sorry, long post. Perhaps a bit of a rant. But I am sure you can understand my worries, disappointment and frustration at this situation. Thank you for any advice you can offer.

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear StandingWithFathers

Welcome to the parents’ discussion board. Thank you for your post. My name is Suzie. I am Family Rights Group’s online adviser.

I am sorry to hear about the current difficulties. I can understand that you are missing your 6 year old son whom you have not seen since an incident to which police were called when you were intoxicated. The police are not taking any action but as you are the father of a child, they passed the details onto children’s services who decided to do an assessment.

You were not contacted by children’s services during the assessment period. All communication with you about the process and the current recommendation that you do not have contact with your son during this time has been via your son’s mother. You describe her behaviour as controlling and coercive which has made this more difficult. If you need any advice or support around this issue of your ex-partner’s behaviour towards you I would suggest contacting one of the following specialist services, Men’s Advice Line or Mankind.

It is really good to hear that you have stopped drinking and are taking positive steps to address your issues and have already found that this is having a positive impact.

You were due to be contacted by the social worker on the day you posted on this forum. Hopefully, you have now spoken to him and the situation may be a little clearer.

However, I will try to answer the queries you raised.

1) Assessment timescale – you are right that an assessment of a child’s needs should not take longer than 45 working days (unless there are exceptional circumstances). You are concerned that the social worker’s assessment may have gone over this time limit. You say that he has contacted you on the 47th day to discuss his report and the proposed plan going forward. This suggests to me that the assessment was either completed prior to this or within or a day or two over the timescale. It may have been completed on time but the social worker was not able to contact you until two days later. You can clarity exactly when it was finished with the social worker and the date should be included on the report. If it is one or two days over the timescale you can flag this up. But it may not change things.

2) Children’s services’ failure to include you in the assessment process. This is a serious concern. You are your son’s father, presumably with parental responsibility for him and perhaps with a court order (Child Arrangements Order) setting out the arrangements for your son to spend 50 % of the time with you and 50 % with his mother. It may be that there is no court order in place but this was agreed between you and your son’s mother.

Children’s services are required to work in partnership with children and their families to support vulnerable children and to keep them safe. This means that they should work with parents which clearly includes fathers, of course. So, it is concerning that you were not involved at all. I can imagine how frustrating this must be. So I would recommend that you raise this with the social worker/their manager and consider what they say. They have focused their involvement on the children’s mother and asking her to be protective without engaging you. This guide to working with a social worker provides some tips about how to deal with difficulties.

You can raise the failure to communicate with you or to seek your input as a complaint or a comment if you wish. Please see here for more detailed complaints information.

I hope that you have now been able to express your views to the social worker and that he has explained what their recommendations are in relation to your son. The social worker should clarify if they are proposing a (voluntary) child in need plan or whether they have child protection concerns. Children’s services have not acquired parental responsibility for your son as they would only do so if they obtained a court order for him. So, the proposals put forward by children’s services in the assessment report are their recommendations for what should happen which they are asking you and your son’s mother to agree to and work with. They should state clearly what would happen if the recommendations were not adhered to i.e. what action, if any, they would take.

You may wish to seek further advice once it is clearer what is being proposed.

If you are not in agreement then you can put forward your suggestions and what you think is reasonable but do make sure that it is child focused. You should ask the social worker to respond in writing if you are challenging their recommendations.

If you need any private law advice, you can contact Child Law Advice or you may find Advice Now’s information helpful.

I hope this is helpful.

Please post back if you need to or contact the advice service via the links here.

Best wishes

Suzie