Imprisoned Ex parter demanding contact

[MNB98]

Hi
My ex husband was given a long sentence for child sex offences (non contact). My oldest children want no to contact with him but the youngest ones don’t know the situation so currently have one phone call a month, which if I’m honest I really not keen on as I think they should be allowed to get on with their lives instead if it constantly being drawn back to it all being about him. He’s now demanding that photos get sent in of the children as well as school reports, exam results etc. I’m really not keen on this but am getting the ‘Well if you don’t it’ll cause more hassle for you down the line’ from him. I’m pretty sure the only reason he wants to gain info on them is nothing to do with the children but so it looks better for his parole officer and to try and prove he’s trying to be a good dad, when he actually had little to do with them when he was home. When he gets out my twins will be the same age as the girls he was talking to so I’m really not keen on him keeping tabs on them if I’m honest. Any advice on how to navigate this? SS haven’t been involved since the court case

[Glagal1965]

I was in a similar situation. Throughout we had social work involvement until I made a decision that he wasn't to see them anymore as it was all too distressing. Prior to making this decision I got legal advice and was told. No judge in the land would force me to facilitate my children having a relationship with a convicted paedophile regardless of biology. I would suggest you seek advice from a lawyer to see if this is the case where you live. Once I made this decision we no longer had an social work involvement.

To add since he is no longer in our lives we are happier than er have ever been...we are finally free!

[MNB98]

Thank you so much! Contact being cut is what I aim for but I wasn’t sure how to go about it. The kids are far happier when they don’t speak to him for a bit.
Thank you

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear MNB98

Welcome back to the parents’ discussion board. Thank you for your posts. I will reply to both here.

I am sorry to hear that your ex-husband who is in prison for child sexual abuse offences, is pressuring you in relation to wanting more information and details about the children. He is currently only having telephone contact with your younger children once a month. They are not aware of their father’s circumstances. Your older children do not want contact with their father. You are in a difficult position as you are the parent who has to manage the whole situation, possibly with little support.

You have already had a response from another parent who has had to navigate a similar process and describes having a positive outcome.

As your ex-husband has parental responsibility for the children, he has a right to ask for the information he has requested. However, you are caring for the children, you also have parental responsibility and are their protective parent so you can make decisions about what is in the children’s best interests including what information to share with him. If you make a decision that your ex-husband disagrees with then I guess what he means by ‘causing more hassle for you down the line’ is that he could make a court application to pursue his requests. He would need to offer mediation first. The court would then consider all the relevant evidence and make a decision based on the children’s welfare.

It is a good idea for you to get specific private law advice on this matter, You can get free advice by calling Child Law Advice on their family law line 0300 330 5480 or by emailing them. I am attaching a link to their advice materials on parental responsibility too which explains in more details what this means. You may also find it useful to look at their advice on access to information which explains what a parent with parental responsibility can request from school etc.

You can also contact Rights of Women on their national family law advice line to talk through your situation. There are steps a parent can take to stop another parent doing something e.g. a prohibited steps order which you can discuss, if needed.

You can also discuss the issue with children’s services, if you would find that helpful, as they were involved in the past.

You say that the younger children do not know the situation. I wonder if you have been offered any advice or support about how to manage this as they may well find out later and it may be best that you are able to share the information in the safest way possible and in a way that is appropriate for the children’s age and understanding. This is an area that is addressed in this information on the Stop it Now website. You could give them a ring on their confidential helpline if that would be helpful; their number is 0808 1000 900.

There is also a specialist service for children whose parent is in prison. They are called Children Heard and Seen . Their service is free, and they also support parents. You may already be aware of them but if not, their services may be worth exploring.

I hope this is helpful.

If children’s services are involved again and you need advice about this, please contact the advice service again either by posting back here or using one of the advice options linked to here.

Best wishes

Suzie