Social services

[pipsue2803]

Hi,
So I've just left a 17 year abusive relationship (mentally, controlling etc never physical). I have 5 kids aged 10,9,7,5 and 2 with him and have social services involved. They are currently completing a section 47 enquiry. So, my social worker came round today and has told me that I'm basically doing a rubbish job looking after the kids properly. There was a bit of rubbish in the front room which was swept to the side out of the way and she has said that it is not acceptable as 2 Yr old needs somewhere safe and clean to play. She has also said that she is not happy that 5 steps away from my house, that the 2 Yr old should have been holding my hand and not run into the garden while I caught up. I feel like I'm getting scrutinised for struggling and all she has said is that the children come first, even before my self care and trying to deal with the breakup, coming to terms about the abuse. Surely they should be helping me and not criticising my struggle to function properly at this time. The kids are fed, clothed and taken where they need to go. The eldest 2 have been doing a lot of the helping the younger ones but this is unacceptable. How can this be right that I'm made to feel like I'm under investigation all the time when I am the victim?! Surely, if I go downhill because of not looking after myself, this is worse for the kids as they would then be put into the care system? I am having help from IDAS for the domestic abuse but can't even think about starting that as I know I will be a wreck in front of the kids. There has to be some leeway?! Thanks in advance for any reply and advice.

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear Pipsue2803

Thank you for your post and welcome to the discussion board. My name is Suzie, I am an online adviser and will be responding to you today.

You are a mother of five children. You are a victim of domestic abuse and suffered many years of verbal abuse and coercive control from your ex-partner. Your relationship ended and you are trying to manage the fallout from this whilst continuing to raise your children. Children’s services are involved. From the information you have provided it would appear they have concerns regarding neglect and worried about you home conditions and the supervision of your children.

Children’s services are completing a Section 47 child protection enquiry . You say they are solely focussing on the negative aspects of family live and not taking in the wider picture of you doing your best to raise five children whilst dealing with complex feelings linked to the abuse you have suffered. You have support from a domestic abuse organisation (IDAS) but at the present time do not feel able to engage with support because you are worried that if you do, the children will be negatively affected.

I am sorry to hear of your situation, it must be a stressful time for you and your children. The assessment should be an opportunity for children’s services to gather information from you, the children and professionals involved in your family life to assess the strengths within your family, including wider support networks, and to assess what you and the children may need help with to address the concerns raised.

Children’s services’ focus will be primarily on the children and what they need to stay safe and thrive with your family home, however this should not feel oppressive to you and the social worker should be using their skills and knowledge to provide advice, guidance and support to you. I have added a link HERE to government guidance called Working Together to Safeguard Children 2023. This sets out how children’s services should be working with you when there are child protection concerns.

I have further added HERE our ‘top tips’ when working with social workers. This offers ideas and suggestions of how to work well with social workers and what you may wish to consider if things are not going so well.

I would encourage you to think about what you feel would help you and your children to address the concerns raised and to discuss this with the social worker. If you are struggling to complete household chores and to put in place boundaries because of your emotional wellbeing, it may help if a family support worker was available to support you. If the older children are helping the younger children and children’s services are concerned about this, it may be that there are breakfast clubs or afterschool clubs that can bridge the gap for a period.

In respect of the domestic abuse support. I understand your concerns about seeking support, perhaps of feeling overwhelmed and of not wanting to cause distress to your children. However, children’s services will press for engagement and whilst this is not mandatory, and they have no jurisdiction (can’t force you to do this) they will be concerned if you do not and may view your reluctance as minimisation. I would suggest you speak to the allocated IDAS worker, to discuss your concerns and to agree a way forward at a pace you can manage. If may also be a good idea to speak to your GP for further support.

Do you have any friends or family that could help out? Perhaps they could step in to offer some practical and emotional support for you and the children at this difficult time. If so, it would be a good idea to discuss a Family Group Conference with the allocated social worker. A family group conference is a family-led decision-making meeting. A child’s wider family and support network come together to develop a plan to support a child and keep them safe. This network may include grandparents, aunts and uncles and sometimes close family friends. The meeting is supported and facilitated by a trained and skilled independent coordinator. They help the family prepare for the meeting and attend to support. Please see HERE for further information and advice.

I hope you find this information helpful. There are many ways to contact Family Rights Group, please do look at our website for further information about this or post again here if you have further questions.

Best wishes, Suzie