Hi,
This time last year I shared custody of my two children, almost 50/50 with their dad.
In January he got arrested for sexual online communication with a minor.
He kept protesting his innocence and I supported him - allowed him to still keep seeing our children. It had to be supervised due to bail conditions.
Social services got involved and it was all very stressful. They kept giving me new workers and wanting to constantly cone round the house and speak to the kids - but they didn’t know anything about what had been happening.
I am pregnant (new partner) and the stress of everything has made me high risk of preterm labour and I’ve been signed off work and I can’t drive more than what it would take to get to the hospital.
My kids dad didn’t like that I could no longer do half the driving and constantly pushed for me to keep meeting half way which was an hour - which I couldn’t do. I then asked him to stop contacting me directly because the stress he was causing wasn’t helping me.
In September he pled guilty to intent and got a suspended sentence and a SHPO lasting 10 years - which states he needs supervision when having the children. Which his mum was now doing.
His guilty plea made me uncomfortable and so I started seeking advice. From the police, social services and a solicitor. All had said that it was up to me how much contact I let him have with the children. But he can take me to court for more access.
So I limited his supervision to just day visits every other weekend. And let him know I wasn’t doing the long drive because of my pregnancy. This is when his mother got involved. Saying I have no right to do that and how dare I. Because there were weekends between his sentencing and me limiting contact, she thinks I’m being spiteful and petty.
The amount of emails I’ve had from her is mental. I was in hospital in early preterm labour, at 32 weeks pregnant, caused by stress. Thankfully they managed to slow things but I am still contracting. Now 34 weeks.
The weekend just gone I said that they can have one overnight every other weekend, because the police said they would be willing to do adhoc calls or visits to make sure there was supervision. But this also wasn’t good enough.
Yesterday when I picked the kids up, his mother got quite aggressive with me and kept saying how I have no right to do what I’m doing and that I’m punishing her son when he’s done nothing wrong.
I now no longer want anything to do with her - I’m terrified they’re going to make me go into labour early again or something bad happen to the baby because of the stress.
I don’t want to stop my kids seeing their dad but I find it hard to trust that supervision takes place and the stress everything is causing.
I don’t know where I stand or what I can do . Am I even doing the right thing? It’s all so difficult.
I don’t know what to do for the best
-
Suzie, FRG Adviser
- Posts: 4996
- Joined: Mon Jul 04, 2011 2:57 pm
Re: I don’t know what to do for the best
Dear Roodle
Welcome to the parents’ discussion board. Thank you for your post. My name is Suzie. I am Family Rights Group’s online adviser.
I am sorry to hear about the difficulties you and your family are having. And congratulations on your pregnancy. However, I understand that it is a stressful time for you, and this is impacting on your experience of pregnancy too.
You have had services involvement in the past when your older children’s father was first arrested for online sexual communication with a child. You believed him at first when he said that he was innocent. He continued to have contact with the children, which was supervised as per his bail conditions. Prior to his arrest, the children’s father shared their care with you. So, you have had to adapt to full-time care of the children as a result. In September, he admitted his offence, was given a suspended sentence, and made subject to a Sexual Harm Prevention Order for 10 years.
You sought further advice from children’s services then about contact between your children and their father. You explain that they said that it was your decision about how much contact he has with the children, although it must be supervised. They also advised that he could make a court application if he is unhappy with the level of contact he is having. It is disappointing that they have offered such limited support and advice to you, in such a difficult situation and where you are struggling with the arrangements. It is not clear what the children’s views are about the situation or whether children’s services properly explored this.
Your children’s paternal grandmother is doing the supervision and the relationship between you is very fraught. This is impacting on how arrangements for contact are made. You recently agreed to one overnight contact every second week, on the basis that police were willing to do checks to ensure that supervision is in place. Realistically the police may not be able to do so. It is not clear how the children’s paternal grandmother supervises overnight and her statement that you ‘have no right to do what I’m doing and that I’m punishing her son when he’s done nothing wrong’ is very concerning. She is minimising the fact that her son has been convicted of a child sexual offence and being critical of the steps you are taking to continue to support safe supervised contact between the children and their father. You also describe her as being aggressive towards you and that she has sent you numerous emails.
You are now in a dilemma as you no longer want to communicate with your ex-partner’s mother and are finding it hard to trust that she is supervising properly. The situation is very stressful for you particularly as you are in the late stages of pregnancy.
The children’s grandmother does not have parental responsibility for them and so is not the decision maker when it comes to contact arrangements. You as the children’s mother and their non-offending parent are. Their father also has parental responsibility but the time he spends with is children is restricted i.e. it must be supervised. The grandmother’s role is to facilitate contact by providing the necessary supervision to allow it to take place safely.
I would recommend that you get some private law advice about the situation and how to manage it safely. You do not want to stop contact but the current arrangements are not working well. It may be that mediation would help all parties come to a safe and manageable arrangement, which meets the children’s needs. We do not advise on private law matters but you can access this advice from:
Child Law Advice,
Rights of Women, or
a solicitor.
You can find out more about mediation from:
The Family Mediators Association
National Family Mediation
However, I would suggest that you also contact Children’s Services again to update them about the current situation, your reservations about the supervision of contact and to ask their further advice about this issue. It may also be helpful that they have a record so that if the children’s father does make a court application (for a Child Arrangements Order) in the future, you can show that you have proactively sought advice and prioritised the children’s welfare.
You may also like to discuss your situation with Stop it Now or raise on their family and friends’ forum as there are other parents there struggling with similar issues. Their Parents Protect website also has useful resources about safety planning etc.
Talking Forward provides peer support where a family member has been investigated or convicted of an online sexual offence against a child.
You might also be interested in some emotional or befriending support from Family Line as they offer a range of services to parents struggling with family issues.
I hope this is helpful.
If you need any further advice about children’s services, please post back or contact the advice service via one of the options linked to here
Wishing you all the best with the rest of your pregnancy and birth of your baby.
Best wishes
Suzie
Welcome to the parents’ discussion board. Thank you for your post. My name is Suzie. I am Family Rights Group’s online adviser.
I am sorry to hear about the difficulties you and your family are having. And congratulations on your pregnancy. However, I understand that it is a stressful time for you, and this is impacting on your experience of pregnancy too.
You have had services involvement in the past when your older children’s father was first arrested for online sexual communication with a child. You believed him at first when he said that he was innocent. He continued to have contact with the children, which was supervised as per his bail conditions. Prior to his arrest, the children’s father shared their care with you. So, you have had to adapt to full-time care of the children as a result. In September, he admitted his offence, was given a suspended sentence, and made subject to a Sexual Harm Prevention Order for 10 years.
You sought further advice from children’s services then about contact between your children and their father. You explain that they said that it was your decision about how much contact he has with the children, although it must be supervised. They also advised that he could make a court application if he is unhappy with the level of contact he is having. It is disappointing that they have offered such limited support and advice to you, in such a difficult situation and where you are struggling with the arrangements. It is not clear what the children’s views are about the situation or whether children’s services properly explored this.
Your children’s paternal grandmother is doing the supervision and the relationship between you is very fraught. This is impacting on how arrangements for contact are made. You recently agreed to one overnight contact every second week, on the basis that police were willing to do checks to ensure that supervision is in place. Realistically the police may not be able to do so. It is not clear how the children’s paternal grandmother supervises overnight and her statement that you ‘have no right to do what I’m doing and that I’m punishing her son when he’s done nothing wrong’ is very concerning. She is minimising the fact that her son has been convicted of a child sexual offence and being critical of the steps you are taking to continue to support safe supervised contact between the children and their father. You also describe her as being aggressive towards you and that she has sent you numerous emails.
You are now in a dilemma as you no longer want to communicate with your ex-partner’s mother and are finding it hard to trust that she is supervising properly. The situation is very stressful for you particularly as you are in the late stages of pregnancy.
The children’s grandmother does not have parental responsibility for them and so is not the decision maker when it comes to contact arrangements. You as the children’s mother and their non-offending parent are. Their father also has parental responsibility but the time he spends with is children is restricted i.e. it must be supervised. The grandmother’s role is to facilitate contact by providing the necessary supervision to allow it to take place safely.
I would recommend that you get some private law advice about the situation and how to manage it safely. You do not want to stop contact but the current arrangements are not working well. It may be that mediation would help all parties come to a safe and manageable arrangement, which meets the children’s needs. We do not advise on private law matters but you can access this advice from:
Child Law Advice,
Rights of Women, or
a solicitor.
You can find out more about mediation from:
The Family Mediators Association
National Family Mediation
However, I would suggest that you also contact Children’s Services again to update them about the current situation, your reservations about the supervision of contact and to ask their further advice about this issue. It may also be helpful that they have a record so that if the children’s father does make a court application (for a Child Arrangements Order) in the future, you can show that you have proactively sought advice and prioritised the children’s welfare.
You may also like to discuss your situation with Stop it Now or raise on their family and friends’ forum as there are other parents there struggling with similar issues. Their Parents Protect website also has useful resources about safety planning etc.
Talking Forward provides peer support where a family member has been investigated or convicted of an online sexual offence against a child.
You might also be interested in some emotional or befriending support from Family Line as they offer a range of services to parents struggling with family issues.
I hope this is helpful.
If you need any further advice about children’s services, please post back or contact the advice service via one of the options linked to here
Wishing you all the best with the rest of your pregnancy and birth of your baby.
Best wishes
Suzie
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