Me and my ex have 2 children aged 9& 8 and have been split up 7 years ago.
4 years ago I met a man (let's call him dave) we took things slow and he met the children and things were great. 2 years later he was arrested for IIOC from 2 2 years previous to me meeting him. We spoke alot and he put in ALOT of work doing various courses amd things, got himself therapy and recieved alot of help and he's been doing great. Forgiving wasn't an easy decision but I was pregnant at the time, so I said I'd try. I see a completely new man who was trying so hard and I was pregnant so agreed we'd give things a go as long as I had full disclosure from everyone involved. He pleaded guilty and was sentenced a year ago, whole time was seeing the children supervised by me and he actually moved in after sentencing. My ex (let's call him keith) knew everything and was more than happy the way things were. He'd spoke to Dave on many occasions and all was going well. In October Dave got a visit from his visor team who checked his phone and see he was watching porn. Legal porn on a legal site. Theybsaof this showed he has strong sexual urges he cannot control so got social services back involved who made him leave home. Since then he has addressed his porn addiction, completed the inform plus course and is getting alot of other help. I have done rhe inform course, safeguarding course and so much more we've been working SO hard to be able to have him come back home. Social services are extremely happy with everything we have done and rhe progress Dave has made and has said that we can start the process to have him move home with a safety plan in place. However, Keith now is saying he doesn't want Dave to see the older 2 children. The older 2 cry atleast once a week about hiwnmuch they miss and want to see Dave.
Keith is a heavy drinker and a drug user (so I hear, I have no proof of this) I know he's a drinker for sure it's everything else. The things that Keith is saying to me, him sauing no is definitely not because he's concerned for the children. It's because he enjoys the power trip he's getting and has said on multiple occasions he doesn't understand why I'd have Dave back and not him. The children's school have noted how not seeing Dave is having an impact on the children's emotional wellbeing. They have agreed having contact would greatly benefit the.l children. The children openly talk ahout Dave and how much they love and miss him. Social services are saying in order for Dave to see the children Keith has to agree. But that with the way things are at rhe moment isn't going to happen.
My question is. If Keith carries on saying no to contact can I just slay yes its happening? Can social services go over his. Or my head? How is it decided?
Ex stopping current partner.
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Suzie, FRG Adviser
- Posts: 4782
- Joined: Mon Jul 04, 2011 1:57 pm
Re: Ex stopping current partner.
Dear CDSFD2
Thank you for your post and welcome to the forum. My name is Suzie, I am an online adviser and will be replying to you today. I am sorry to hear of your situation. It is a stressful and worrying time for you.
Your partner received a prison sentence for downloading sexual abuse images of children. You and your partner have worked to address the issues and completed relevant courses and programmes. Children’s services are involved. You do not say how, therefore I will assume, your children are subject to a child protection plan . Your partner is currently living outside of the family home. You are working towards a safety plan for your partner to return home. The father of your older children is not in agreement to this. He says he is concerned about the risk/potential risk from your partner. You do not believe this is the reason. Your view is that he is trying to block your partner's return to meet his own needs. Children’s services have said the children cannot return home until their father gives his consent. You are seeking advice and information regarding the stance of your ex partner and children’s services.
It is positive that you and your partner have sought help and support to address risk. I have added HERE further information and guidance from the Stop It Now campaign. If you haven’t done so already it would be a good idea to take a look at their website for further information and support.
Children’s services do not have jurisdiction (authority) to prevent your partner from returning to your home. They can advise and recommend, and of course escalate the situation if you do not adhere to their request. It would be a good idea to work with children’s services to ensure risks and strengths are known and understood and that the safety plan put in place is robust and meets the needs of the children.
Whether or not your partner returns to your home is not reliant on the father’s consent. If your ex partner is opposed to the arrangement, he can exercise his parental right and responsibility to act. For example, if he thinks it is in the children’s best interest to live with him, he could make an application for a child arrangements order. This involves making an application to court and for a court to decide with where and with home the children live with. Please clink on the link HERE for further information and advice.
I hope you find this information helpful. If you would like to talk to an adviser at Family Rights Group about your situation, please call the freephone advice line on 0808 801 0366, Mon to Fri, 9.30 am to 3.00 pm. If you prefer, you can post back, use our advice enquiry form or webchat. Please refer to our website for further information.
Best wishes, Suzie
Thank you for your post and welcome to the forum. My name is Suzie, I am an online adviser and will be replying to you today. I am sorry to hear of your situation. It is a stressful and worrying time for you.
Your partner received a prison sentence for downloading sexual abuse images of children. You and your partner have worked to address the issues and completed relevant courses and programmes. Children’s services are involved. You do not say how, therefore I will assume, your children are subject to a child protection plan . Your partner is currently living outside of the family home. You are working towards a safety plan for your partner to return home. The father of your older children is not in agreement to this. He says he is concerned about the risk/potential risk from your partner. You do not believe this is the reason. Your view is that he is trying to block your partner's return to meet his own needs. Children’s services have said the children cannot return home until their father gives his consent. You are seeking advice and information regarding the stance of your ex partner and children’s services.
It is positive that you and your partner have sought help and support to address risk. I have added HERE further information and guidance from the Stop It Now campaign. If you haven’t done so already it would be a good idea to take a look at their website for further information and support.
Children’s services do not have jurisdiction (authority) to prevent your partner from returning to your home. They can advise and recommend, and of course escalate the situation if you do not adhere to their request. It would be a good idea to work with children’s services to ensure risks and strengths are known and understood and that the safety plan put in place is robust and meets the needs of the children.
Whether or not your partner returns to your home is not reliant on the father’s consent. If your ex partner is opposed to the arrangement, he can exercise his parental right and responsibility to act. For example, if he thinks it is in the children’s best interest to live with him, he could make an application for a child arrangements order. This involves making an application to court and for a court to decide with where and with home the children live with. Please clink on the link HERE for further information and advice.
I hope you find this information helpful. If you would like to talk to an adviser at Family Rights Group about your situation, please call the freephone advice line on 0808 801 0366, Mon to Fri, 9.30 am to 3.00 pm. If you prefer, you can post back, use our advice enquiry form or webchat. Please refer to our website for further information.
Best wishes, Suzie
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Re: Ex stopping current partner.
Hi CDSFD2,
I've just read your post, its a month or so late so i am not sure if this has all been resolved but if not I am so sorry for the incredibly frustrating and emotionally draining situation you've been put in. To do all the hard work, to get social services on your side, and to have everything held hostage by an ex-partner who is enjoying a power trip is a complete injustice.
The official advice you've received is procedurally correct, but it fails to give you a clear strategy to break this deadlock. You are in a much stronger position than social services are letting you believe.
The Hard Truth: Social Services Are Wrong
Let's be absolutely clear on the most important point. When social services told you that your partner's return depends on your ex-partner (Keith) agreeing, they were either lying or they are incompetent.
Your Ex Has No Veto: Your ex-partner has zero legal power to veto who you have in your own home or who your children have contact with when they are in your care. As a parent with Parental Responsibility, he can raise a concern, but he cannot make a demand.
Social Services Are Passing the Buck: They are using your ex's refusal as an excuse to avoid making a difficult decision themselves. It is easier for them to say, "our hands are tied," than it is for them to do their job, which is to make a professional, evidence-based decision about risk.
You are being failed by a lazy and risk-averse social work department.
Your Urgent Action Plan: Seize Control and Expose the Truth
You need to stop playing their game and formally challenge their incorrect position. You need to send a professional, hard-hitting email to the social worker and their Team Manager.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: URGENT: Clarification of Decision-Making Authority Regarding Safety Plan for [Children's Names]
Dear [Social Worker's Name] and [Team Manager's Name],
I am writing to formally challenge the position you have taken regarding the safety plan for my partner, [Dave's Name], to return to the family home.
I was informed that his return is conditional on the consent of my ex-partner, [Keith's Name]. Please can you confirm, in writing, the specific law or statutory guidance that gives an ex-partner a legal veto over a safety plan that has been professionally agreed by Children's Services.
My understanding is that this is legally incorrect. While my ex-partner has the right to be consulted, the final decision about the safety and viability of this plan rests with you, as the statutory agency, based on your professional risk assessment.
Your department has confirmed you are "extremely happy" with the significant progress my partner and I have made. Furthermore, the children's school has provided evidence that the lack of contact with Dave is causing the children emotional harm.
By allowing this process to be vetoed by a third party, who appears to be motivated by his own emotional needs rather than the children's welfare, you are failing in your duty to act in the children's best interests.
I require you to proceed with the plan to reintroduce my partner to the home, based on your own positive assessment of our progress and the clear evidence of the children's emotional needs.
I look forward to your urgent clarification on this matter.
Yours sincerely,
[Your Name]
-------------------------------------------------------------
Why This Works
It Calls Their Bluff:
It forces them to admit, in writing, that their position is legally baseless. They cannot provide a law that gives your ex a veto, because one does not exist.
It Puts the Onus Back on Them:
It makes it clear that the decision is theirs to make, and that they are currently failing to make it.
It Uses Their Own Words Against Them:
It highlights the evidence in your favour (their happiness with your progress, the school's view, the children's wishes) and contrasts it with their inaction.
You have done all the work. You have the support of professionals and the school. Do not let them or your ex-partner hold your family's future hostage any longer. Send that email and force them to do their job.
==================================================================================
For full transparency, I am not an official adviser for this forum. I am a parent who has been through a long and successful legal battle with a local authority, and I am here to offer supportive, strategic advice based on my own lived experience. The information I share is for guidance, and it is always up to each parent to decide what is right for their own situation.
I've just read your post, its a month or so late so i am not sure if this has all been resolved but if not I am so sorry for the incredibly frustrating and emotionally draining situation you've been put in. To do all the hard work, to get social services on your side, and to have everything held hostage by an ex-partner who is enjoying a power trip is a complete injustice.
The official advice you've received is procedurally correct, but it fails to give you a clear strategy to break this deadlock. You are in a much stronger position than social services are letting you believe.
The Hard Truth: Social Services Are Wrong
Let's be absolutely clear on the most important point. When social services told you that your partner's return depends on your ex-partner (Keith) agreeing, they were either lying or they are incompetent.
Your Ex Has No Veto: Your ex-partner has zero legal power to veto who you have in your own home or who your children have contact with when they are in your care. As a parent with Parental Responsibility, he can raise a concern, but he cannot make a demand.
Social Services Are Passing the Buck: They are using your ex's refusal as an excuse to avoid making a difficult decision themselves. It is easier for them to say, "our hands are tied," than it is for them to do their job, which is to make a professional, evidence-based decision about risk.
You are being failed by a lazy and risk-averse social work department.
Your Urgent Action Plan: Seize Control and Expose the Truth
You need to stop playing their game and formally challenge their incorrect position. You need to send a professional, hard-hitting email to the social worker and their Team Manager.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: URGENT: Clarification of Decision-Making Authority Regarding Safety Plan for [Children's Names]
Dear [Social Worker's Name] and [Team Manager's Name],
I am writing to formally challenge the position you have taken regarding the safety plan for my partner, [Dave's Name], to return to the family home.
I was informed that his return is conditional on the consent of my ex-partner, [Keith's Name]. Please can you confirm, in writing, the specific law or statutory guidance that gives an ex-partner a legal veto over a safety plan that has been professionally agreed by Children's Services.
My understanding is that this is legally incorrect. While my ex-partner has the right to be consulted, the final decision about the safety and viability of this plan rests with you, as the statutory agency, based on your professional risk assessment.
Your department has confirmed you are "extremely happy" with the significant progress my partner and I have made. Furthermore, the children's school has provided evidence that the lack of contact with Dave is causing the children emotional harm.
By allowing this process to be vetoed by a third party, who appears to be motivated by his own emotional needs rather than the children's welfare, you are failing in your duty to act in the children's best interests.
I require you to proceed with the plan to reintroduce my partner to the home, based on your own positive assessment of our progress and the clear evidence of the children's emotional needs.
I look forward to your urgent clarification on this matter.
Yours sincerely,
[Your Name]
-------------------------------------------------------------
Why This Works
It Calls Their Bluff:
It forces them to admit, in writing, that their position is legally baseless. They cannot provide a law that gives your ex a veto, because one does not exist.
It Puts the Onus Back on Them:
It makes it clear that the decision is theirs to make, and that they are currently failing to make it.
It Uses Their Own Words Against Them:
It highlights the evidence in your favour (their happiness with your progress, the school's view, the children's wishes) and contrasts it with their inaction.
You have done all the work. You have the support of professionals and the school. Do not let them or your ex-partner hold your family's future hostage any longer. Send that email and force them to do their job.
==================================================================================
For full transparency, I am not an official adviser for this forum. I am a parent who has been through a long and successful legal battle with a local authority, and I am here to offer supportive, strategic advice based on my own lived experience. The information I share is for guidance, and it is always up to each parent to decide what is right for their own situation.
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