Step children and husband

[Sar1717]

I have 4 children 2 are over 18 2 are under so this concerns my younger 2, my husband there step dad for the past 6yrs was arrested last week for iioc... hes on bail not at home no unsupervised contact with u18, social services called me yesterday, they asked if the children had contact I said yes they had questions one of my children self harms so needed answers ss made me feel rubbish as if id done wrong because in there words hes only the step dad, my children haven't seen real dad in over 9yrs as he was an alcoholic and went no contact I tired to explain this but she kept saying hes arrested involved child etc... im trying to support everyone including my husband as I no IIOC is shocking but im now in limbo til charges made

[Winter25]

Hi Sar1717,

I’m really sorry you’ve found yourself in this situation. It is frightening, confusing, and the "limbo" after an arrest is one of the hardest parts emotionally.

You have not done something wrong by answering honestly, and you are not a bad mother for having allowed the children contact before you knew what was happening. An arrest changes the world overnight, and families are often just trying to make sense of it.

However, I need to explain why Social Services were so harsh with you, and help you navigate the next few weeks safely.

1. The "Stepdad" Comment & The Support Trap
You felt hurt when the Social Worker said "he's only the stepdad." To you, he is the man who raised them.

Why they said it: They aren't trying to hurt your feelings; they are testing your priorities. When you say you are "trying to support everyone," Social Services gets worried.

In their eyes, you cannot support an alleged offender and safeguard children at the same time. They view those two things as opposites.

The Advice: You can support him privately (via solicitors), but to Social Services, you must appear 100% focused on the children. Stop telling the Social Worker how good a dad he is. Instead, tell them how strictly you are following the rules to keep the children safe.

2. The Vulnerability Factor (Self-Harm)
You mentioned one of your children self-harms.

Why this matters to SS: In IIOC (Indecent Images of Children) cases, professionals look for signs of "Grooming." Offenders often target vulnerable children.

The Risk: Even if your husband has never touched them, SS is currently investigating whether the self-harm is linked to any hidden abuse.

This makes the situation more serious. You should contact your GP or CAMHS for support for your child immediately, this shows you are addressing their mental health proactively, rather than hiding it.

3. "Limbo" and the Timeline
You said you are in limbo "til charges made."

Police investigations for IIOC (forensics on phones/computers) usually take 12 to 18 months.

You cannot just "wait." Social Services will expect you to make a long-term plan now. If you say "we are just waiting for him to come home," they will assume you are in denial about the risk. You have to plan your life as if he is not coming back for a long time.

4. What to do NOW (Strict Adherence)
The most important thing is to show protective clarity.

Define "No Contact": If bail says no contact, that means Zero! No visits, no FaceTime, no passing messages like "Tell Dad I love him." If you pass a message, SS will view that as you failing to protect.

Try to avoid saying "I know he’d never harm them" to professionals, because they hear that as minimising the risk. A safer wording is:

"I am devastated and shocked. I accept that professionals have identified a risk, and I am following all safeguards strictly until the investigation is complete."

Practical Next Step
Send a calm email to the Social Worker today: I have drafted one for you below
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Subject: URGENT: Confirmation of Safety Plan & Support - [Children's Names]

Dear [Social Worker's Name],

Following our conversation yesterday, I am writing to formally confirm the current safeguarding arrangements and to request the written Safety Plan.

1. Confirmation of No Contact I fully understand the seriousness of the situation. I can confirm that my husband is residing away from the family home and that there is zero contact between him and the children. This includes face-to-face, telephone, and social media contact. I have checked the children’s devices to ensure no communication can take place.

2. Request for Written Plan Please can you send me the specific written Safety Plan or Working Agreement? I want to ensure that I am completely clear on the boundaries you expect so that I can enforce them strictly.

3. Support for [Child's Name] Regarding the concerns about [Child's Name] self-harming, I am taking this very seriously. I am contacting the GP today to request a referral for emotional support/CAMHS to help them through this period. I will keep you updated on this appointment.

I understand that the police investigation is likely to be a long process. My priority is the children’s stability and safety during this time.

Yours sincerely,
-----------------------------------
You are not alone in this. The early stage feels brutal, it really does I have been there. , but what matters most now is steady, protective action.

Do you need a solicitor?
At this stage, legal aid usually only becomes available if they escalate formally (PLO or court). But you can always have one if you wish privately , it can just be costly. Right now there is not much they can do.
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For full transparency, I am not an official adviser. I am a parent with lived experience of the family court system, offering strategic guidance. Always consult with a solicitor regarding ongoing court proceedings if you get to that possition

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

I have 4 children 2 are over 18 2 are under so this concerns my younger 2, my husband there step dad for the past 6yrs was arrested last week for iioc... hes on bail not at home no unsupervised contact with u18, social services called me yesterday, they asked if the children had contact I said yes they had questions one of my children self harms so needed answers ss made me feel rubbish as if id done wrong because in there words hes only the step dad, my children haven't seen real dad in over 9yrs as he was an alcoholic and went no contact I tired to explain this but she kept saying hes arrested involved child etc... im trying to support everyone including my husband as I no IIOC is shocking but im now in limbo til charges made

Dear Sar1717

Welcome to the parents’ discussion forum and thank you for posting.

My name is Suzie, online adviser at Family Rights Group and I will respond to your post. From your post I see that following your husband’s arrest for downloading indecent images of children (IIOC), children’s services (the new name for social services) have become involved with your family. This is clearly a difficult time for you having to cope with your husband’s arrest as well as children’s services, which you find challenging.

Your husband is your children’s stepfather, and it appears that they have no contact with their biological father. It appears that your husband’s bail conditions prohibit contact with children under 18. He is also not in the family home now.

In a recent conversation with children’s services, you confirmed that your children had contact with their stepfather, whilst understandable as he is a significant part of their lives it seems to go against the conditions of his bail to have no contact with children under 18. In discussing the situation there were questions about your children, one of whom self-harms. You do not say how long this has been happening or what steps you have taken to address this for your child.

Children’s services will be concerned about your child’s well being and the nature of your husband’s arrest may give them cause to be concerned about what has happened to your child to cause the self-harming behaviour. I am sorry that you were made to feel as you state ‘rubbish’ and the fact that your husband was referred to as ‘only their stepfather’ when he was a constant in their lives and the person who has cared for them as a father over 6 years. You must have found this seemingly dismissive comment very upsetting.

The reason for your husband’s arrest is a major concern for children’s services in their role as lead safeguarding service. There will be concerns about how your children may have been affected and if there are any issues relating to abuse towards them. I believe it is important for you to understand that children’s services want to see you as a protective parent to your children and they should be your focus. It is a difficult situation for you because you are probably conflicted and worried about your husband and what is likely to happen going forward. However, for now, your children and their well-being is what is important.

Whether or not your husband is charged, children’s services will continue to be involved. The police and children’s services are looking at very different things, the police for evidence that is likely to lead to a successful prosecution and children's services safeguarding concerns. Even if the police take no further action, children’s services will continue with their role to ensure your children are not at risk of harm.

You and your husband will be dealing with issues relating to your relationship going forward but this is not going to be a major concern for children’s services. If you and your husband decide to continue then children’s services will want to do risk assessment of him to find out the level of risk, he poses to your children.

This is an overwhelming situation for you, and I suggest you speak to a service who can advise and support you as a non-offending parent who is trying to navigate a difficult situation with differing emotions and worry. Here is the telephone number for Lucy Faithfull Foundation 0808 100 0900 who also offer advice about being a protective parent.
I think you might find it helpful to read about the process when children’s services receive a referral which you can do with this link from our website HERE

It is important to engage positively and openly with the social worker allocated to your case and this GUIDE about working with social workers may be helpful.

Regarding your child who is self-harming, you may find it helpful to seek advice from Young Minds, Parent Helpline on 0808 802 5544. Your GP can also get advice about a referral to your local CAMHS (child and adolescent mental health service) to get your child the help he or she may need.

For more general support for yourself having someone to speak with you may wish to contact Family Action on 0808 802 6666 as they can sometimes offer one to one support.

Should you wish to speak with one of our experienced advisers, you can telephone our advice line on 0808 808 0366. The advice line is open from 930am to 3.00pm Monday to Friday (excluding Bank Holidays).

Hope you find this useful.

Best wishes

Suzie