Difficult Decision

[Brother1986]

Hello, all.

I am in the process of having to make a very tough decision to support my sister and her baby.

My sister has autism and fell pregnant late last year, under quite suspicious circumstances. Her level of autism is quite profound once you meet her (social behaviour, limited communication, etc.) and within hours of her giving birth, her baby was removed from her care and placed into fostercare due concerns of her parenting comprehension, and he has recently failed the psychological test of personal & parenting competency.

The typical ongoings have resulted in her 90 minute visitation 4x a week, but it is clear to me and the social workers involved, my sister is not a suitable parent and shows no interest in mothering the baby. Other family members have suggested themselves for special guardianship, but later decided against it for one reason or another - which is entirely understandable - and my mother, who we hold somewhat accountable for this situation via her living a very poor example of a responsible lifestyle and not supporting my sister enough over the years, seems unlikely to pass her guardianship assessment, which admittedly is the right outcome.

So now I am considering putting my name forward. However, I live and work in the middle-east with my wife. We both work in autism research and education so our experiences around childcare, and child development is all very crystal clear, but we still need to consider the long-term implications, pros and cons of taking this innocent baby into our care and raising her in another country.

I am looking for some frank and honest pros and cons to this situation, I am fully aware my personal involvement with my sister (who I practically raised for a number of years), may sway my decision without seeing all the variables. I have also asked my wife to think about this from her perspective, speak to her family and friends to get some impartial input before we officially propose ourselves.

Any guidance or advice would be extremely appreciated.

Thank you

[Robin D]

I agree it's a difficult decision that only your wife and you can make in reality. It's a huge commitment to make.

From my perspective the pro's and con's that you may not have seen are as follows:
Pro's.
- The child gets brought up within the wider family. Where possible that is known to benefit the child in the long term.
- The family does not lose contact with the child which would happen with adoption..
- Contact of some sort can be maintained with mum. This usually prevents the child developing an unrealistic picture of what might have been. That's particularly important in teenage years.
- You appear to be better qualified to take on the task than anyone else in the family.
It's probably worth noting that the local authority will be parallel planning which is likely to be adoption by strangers.

Con's.
- You live oversea's. That adds complexity to any assessment and indeed future contact. The court would I suspect need convincing that it would be in the best interests of the child to live abroad, but it does happen.
- Bringing a child up that is not your own is difficult (I can confirm that from personal experience) and while mainly rewarding can also bring a lot of emotional upset. The two of you need to be 100% committed and have a strong and open relationship. There is no benefit to the child if you two then break up.
- If you do not offer yourselves, you may well regret it later. However, you and your wife have to do what is right for both of you, so try not to apply any emotional pressure one way or the other.

A way forward might be to contact the social worker concerned, explain that you are considering putting yourselves forward, but would like to talk through the options and perceived difficulties before doing so to make sure it would be right for the child as well as yourselves. It means the LA know you are a potential candidate, and they should be more than happy to open discussion and provide support while your wife and you decide if it's a commitment you can make or if the LA see the oversea's issue as something they cannot consider.

Suzie the FRG advisor will be along to add some more advice I am sure but hopefully this is of some help to you.

Best wishes whatever you decide..... Robin

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Hello, all.

I am in the process of having to make a very tough decision to support my sister and her baby.

My sister has autism and fell pregnant late last year, under quite suspicious circumstances. Her level of autism is quite profound once you meet her (social behaviour, limited communication, etc.) and within hours of her giving birth, her baby was removed from her care and placed into fostercare due concerns of her parenting comprehension, and he has recently failed the psychological test of personal & parenting competency.

The typical ongoings have resulted in her 90 minute visitation 4x a week, but it is clear to me and the social workers involved, my sister is not a suitable parent and shows no interest in mothering the baby. Other family members have suggested themselves for special guardianship, but later decided against it for one reason or another - which is entirely understandable - and my mother, who we hold somewhat accountable for this situation via her living a very poor example of a responsible lifestyle and not supporting my sister enough over the years, seems unlikely to pass her guardianship assessment, which admittedly is the right outcome.

So now I am considering putting my name forward. However, I live and work in the middle-east with my wife. We both work in autism research and education so our experiences around childcare, and child development is all very crystal clear, but we still need to consider the long-term implications, pros and cons of taking this innocent baby into our care and raising her in another country.

I am looking for some frank and honest pros and cons to this situation, I am fully aware my personal involvement with my sister (who I practically raised for a number of years), may sway my decision without seeing all the variables. I have also asked my wife to think about this from her perspective, speak to her family and friends to get some impartial input before we officially propose ourselves.

Any guidance or advice would be extremely appreciated.

Thank you

Dear Brother 1986

My name is Suzie, online adviser at Family Rights Group I note from the date of your post that inadvertently due to an oversight you were not welcomed to the kinship carers discussion forum. However, I see that you received a helpful response to your post from another poster and hope this helped you in your decision making regarding your sister’s baby.

Living abroad in itself would not be a barrier to the baby being placed in your care as the decision will be made based on the child’s welfare in the long term. Children are placed abroad with family and arrangements would be made for the assessment to be carried out. The welfare of the child would be considered a priority as well as stable placement in a supportive home for the baby in a workable timescale. As you may be aware, the alternative if no family member on either side is positively assessed then adoption is likely to be the outcome for the baby.

Any assessment will be very intrusive, so it is sensible for you and your wife to make an informed decision whether caring for the baby to his or her majority is what you want to do. You may find it helpful to read information on our website about kinship care and care proceedings
.
I hope the advice and support you have received on this forum is helpful to you and again apologies for the earlier omission. You may wish to speak with one of our experienced advisers on our confidential advice line, you can telephone on 0808 801 0366. The advice line is open from 9.30am to 3.00pm Monday to Friday (excluding Bank Holidays).

Best wishes

Suzie