I need help

[DWERWG]

I am special guardian to a family member. Birth mum is now in a new relationship and has a new baby, I am literally being inundated with requests for weekends away with child, holidays abroad etc and it’s becoming extremely overwhelming, she has only just recently started having unsupervised contact which is a huge step. I have tried nicely explaining overnight stays haven’t started yet so prolonged periods away from me would need to be discussed way down the road but still try these persistent messages keep coming.

What can I do/im scared of if I let child go and anything happens to her that will reflect poorly on me, I’m also concerned if I let her go I will then get more requests for more days, longer periods etc from mum

Please help, I’m at my wits end

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear DWERWG

Welcome to the kinship carers’ forum and thank you for your post. My name is Suzie. I am Family Rights Group’s online adviser.

I am sorry to hear about your dilemma. You are a special guardian for a family member. The child’s mother has recently begun having unsupervised contact but is pressing for weekends away and holidays abroad with the child. This is understandably putting you under extreme distress.

If the child you are caring for was Looked After before you became her special guardian then the assessing social worker should have provided you with a support plan. You can go back to the Special Guardianship Support team in that case and ask them to assist you in making decisions about what is best for the child in terms of contact with her mother and how to balance the child’s needs with her mother’s requests. It may be that that the child’s mother would benefit from a better understanding of your role and the importance of working with you for the benefit of the child.

It might be helpful also to consider that:

• Contact is always about what is best for the child. Any decisions about being in her mother’s sole care for extended periods or on holiday need to viewed in this light. You don’t say how old she is, but the child’s age and understanding are key factors here as well as how long the child has lived with you e.g. whether she is still settling in or established in your care.
• Contact between the child and her mother was supervised for a reason. It is good to hear that this has progressed to unsupervised. But as you say that this has happened quite recently and so may need to be monitored for a time to see how it is going, especially for the child involved.
• You have almost exclusive parental responsibility and so are the main legal decision maker for the child. Contact is at your discretion unless there is a court order – a Child Arrangements Order – setting out the details. So, the child’s mother needs to work with you and understand that the court has trusted you to make all the major decisions for the child.

I would suggest that you trust your own decision making but make a note of all requests, your responses, and the reasons why so that if the child’s mother challenges you or applies to court at a later stage you have a record.

You may be able to get additional support and advice from a local kinship carers' or special guardians’ support group. I hope that you can find one via this link. And the charity Kinship’s Someone Like Me peer support service might be able to offer you emotional support as you contend with these difficulties.

I hope this helps.

You may also receive further support and guidance from fellow special guardians on this forum who have had similar experiences.

Best wishes

Suzie