Hi, this might be quite a long read, but I’ll try to condense it as best I can.
I met my partner in January this year. He was honest from the beginning about recently being released from prison and his past history of being in and out of prison throughout his life. The main offences were harassment, x2 breach of restraining orders and intimidating witnesses. He has a history of 2 toxic relationships, no DV, but allegations of Domestic abuse from previous partners.
Whilst I know that doesn’t read well, and it was a huge shock for me, he is genuinely such a lovely and loving partner. He dotes on me and really looks after me. We have a great relationship, full of fun and laughter and mutual respect and we have both met each others families loads of times & we all get on really well.
I have a 4 year old daughter. She really likes my partner too and they have got on from the moment they met! Which is quite unusual for her as she can be shy around new people, but they bonded really quickly which was lovely for me to see!
As my partner had recently been released from prison, he was still working with probation and on licence. He was going to move in with me, but his probation worker said my house would need to be assessed first due to me having a child. This is when SS became involved. I received a Clare’s Law disclosure on my partner and he had told me the truth and nothing was new information on there. The SW said I was minimising his offences and was unable to see the risks he presented to my daughter and put her on a Child in Need plan. We had a safety plan drawn up which included no contact between my daughter and my partner. Unfortunately, the next day I stupidly made the mistake of breaking the safety plan (hindsight is a wonderful thing!!) as we had previously booked and made plans as a family so I did meet up with my partner with my daughter. My SW found out about this and was honest with me saying she is now extremely concerned that I am not putting my daughters needs before my own/my partners.
A couple of weeks went by and my partner was arrested (around a month ago now). He is currently in prison on remand. Due to go to court in a few days, but likely will be adjourned until end of February as it will go to trial. He is looking at being sentenced to between 12-18 months for breaching a restraining order (via text message). Very silly I know and he is regretful of this.
My child has now been placed on a Child Protection Plan due to emotional abuse risks. All members of the ICPC meeting spoke highly of my parenting, how confident and happy my daughter is and how well she is settling into school etc they have no concerns about her, her development or anything else except for obviously the risks my partner presents.
My dilemma now is that SS want me to split up with my partner. A non-molestation order was mentioned at the ICPC and Harbour are going to discuss this further with me. I do not want this as he has not harassed or intimidated me in any way, there is no domestic abuse in our relationship but they think he is likely to abuse me as he has a history of allegations.
My partner wants to continue talking on the phone whilst he is in prison and continue with visits (I have been twice so far). My worry is will SS find out if I visit him in prison and will this look bad on me? Will they escalate the child protection plan to court or anything? I just feel torn because I love my partner and I want to continue speaking to him, but I need to do right by my daughter and keep her safe.
Is there a way I can have contact with my partner without my daughter being involved? I know his probation worker told SS that we had been having daily contact on the phone, but would they know if I saw him in person in prison?
Sorry for the very long post!! Thank you in advance.
Urgent help needed please!
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Suzie, FRG Adviser
- Posts: 4782
- Joined: Mon Jul 04, 2011 1:57 pm
Re: Urgent help needed please!
Dear WDC45B,
Thank you for your post and welcome to the Parents’ Forum.
My name is Suzie and I am an online adviser replying to you today.
It is good to read about all the positive comments at the child protection conference about your parenting of your little girl and that she is thriving in your care. You write that her safety is your priority.
You explain that your partner is currently in prison on remand after breaching a restraining order. You have sought a Claire’s Law Disclosure/ the Domestic Violence Disclosure Scheme here and are now aware that your partner’s past offending history included harassment, previous breach of restraining orders and intimidation of witnesses.
You may find the Family Rights Group page for mothers affected by domestic abuse – or potential domestic abuse useful. You can link to this here It includes detailed information about non-molestation orders.
Children’s services are involved due to their assessment that there is a risk of significant harm to your 4-year-old daughter posed by this relationship. The safety plan first agreed required there to be no contact between your daughter and your partner, but you were unable to keep to this arrangement. Children’s services became aware that your daughter had met with your partner - the concerns increased, and a child protection plan is now in place, due to risk of emotional harm to her.
Family Rights Group have information on our website about what is meant by emotional harm which you can link to here.
It can be useful to focus on what is meant by emotional abuse. Sometimes the phrase is not fully explained.
Emotional abuse can include exposing a child to the ill-treatment and aggressive behaviour of someone else – such as hearing or seeing domestic abuse. Children who suffer emotional abuse can suffer lifelong consequences such as poor self-esteem, fragile mental health, anger issues and difficulties in relationships.
If children’s services become concerned about your willingness or ability to protect your daughter from the potential emotional abuse due to risk of domestic abuse from your partner, there is a possibility that they will consider further steps to prevent her coming to harm. Details of child protection procedures and decision making are here.
You ask if your visits to the prison would be notified to children’s services. Given your partner’s offending history, particularly the breach of restraining orders, he would be required to give details of intimate relationships as part of his probation risk assessment. This means that his contact and connection with you could not remain secret and the probation service has a duty to report any information about potential risk to a child to children’s services.
It is your decision as to whether you or not you visit your partner in prison, but I would suggest that the best course is to be honest with your child’s social worker about your current reflections and decisions rather than seek to conceal.
You have been able to work with your child’s social worker successfully, so you know that trust is key to the effectiveness of the child protection plan. You have managed the recent setback when it became known that your child had contact with your partner. In your post you write that you regret this previous secrecy.
You may find the Family Rights Group guide to working with social workers useful. You can link to it here.
I appreciate that these decisions are not easy, and this is likely to be a difficult time for you. You may find it useful to seek help from a domestic violence support agency and/or hear from other people with similar experiences. Refuge is a national charity. Their website would be a useful source of information and resources and their helpline number is 0808 2000 247.
I hope this information was useful to you.
There are many different ways to contact Family Rights Group if you seek further advice in the future:
• A free telephone advice line open Monday to Friday between 9.30am and 3pm (excluding Bank Holidays) on 0808 801 0366
• Easy-to-follow online information. Features include an A-Z, FAQs, films, ‘top tips’ and legal advice sheets;
• A webchat service where you can message an adviser online, who will help you find information and advice to support you.
• A web enquiry form to submit a question via email
Thank you for your post and welcome to the Parents’ Forum.
My name is Suzie and I am an online adviser replying to you today.
It is good to read about all the positive comments at the child protection conference about your parenting of your little girl and that she is thriving in your care. You write that her safety is your priority.
You explain that your partner is currently in prison on remand after breaching a restraining order. You have sought a Claire’s Law Disclosure/ the Domestic Violence Disclosure Scheme here and are now aware that your partner’s past offending history included harassment, previous breach of restraining orders and intimidation of witnesses.
You may find the Family Rights Group page for mothers affected by domestic abuse – or potential domestic abuse useful. You can link to this here It includes detailed information about non-molestation orders.
Children’s services are involved due to their assessment that there is a risk of significant harm to your 4-year-old daughter posed by this relationship. The safety plan first agreed required there to be no contact between your daughter and your partner, but you were unable to keep to this arrangement. Children’s services became aware that your daughter had met with your partner - the concerns increased, and a child protection plan is now in place, due to risk of emotional harm to her.
Family Rights Group have information on our website about what is meant by emotional harm which you can link to here.
It can be useful to focus on what is meant by emotional abuse. Sometimes the phrase is not fully explained.
Emotional abuse can include exposing a child to the ill-treatment and aggressive behaviour of someone else – such as hearing or seeing domestic abuse. Children who suffer emotional abuse can suffer lifelong consequences such as poor self-esteem, fragile mental health, anger issues and difficulties in relationships.
If children’s services become concerned about your willingness or ability to protect your daughter from the potential emotional abuse due to risk of domestic abuse from your partner, there is a possibility that they will consider further steps to prevent her coming to harm. Details of child protection procedures and decision making are here.
You ask if your visits to the prison would be notified to children’s services. Given your partner’s offending history, particularly the breach of restraining orders, he would be required to give details of intimate relationships as part of his probation risk assessment. This means that his contact and connection with you could not remain secret and the probation service has a duty to report any information about potential risk to a child to children’s services.
It is your decision as to whether you or not you visit your partner in prison, but I would suggest that the best course is to be honest with your child’s social worker about your current reflections and decisions rather than seek to conceal.
You have been able to work with your child’s social worker successfully, so you know that trust is key to the effectiveness of the child protection plan. You have managed the recent setback when it became known that your child had contact with your partner. In your post you write that you regret this previous secrecy.
You may find the Family Rights Group guide to working with social workers useful. You can link to it here.
I appreciate that these decisions are not easy, and this is likely to be a difficult time for you. You may find it useful to seek help from a domestic violence support agency and/or hear from other people with similar experiences. Refuge is a national charity. Their website would be a useful source of information and resources and their helpline number is 0808 2000 247.
I hope this information was useful to you.
There are many different ways to contact Family Rights Group if you seek further advice in the future:
• A free telephone advice line open Monday to Friday between 9.30am and 3pm (excluding Bank Holidays) on 0808 801 0366
• Easy-to-follow online information. Features include an A-Z, FAQs, films, ‘top tips’ and legal advice sheets;
• A webchat service where you can message an adviser online, who will help you find information and advice to support you.
• A web enquiry form to submit a question via email
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