Worried about Foster Carer's attitude

[Murray72]

My Child has been in long term foster care for almost 3 years, she is lucky in the sense that she has remained in the same placement throughout.

I was never a risk to my Child but my failure to end a difficult relationship was to cause for my Child been removed, and failure to accept this person as a risk caused me many problems and eventually a Full Care Order was granted.

My concerns are increasing slowly as CS attitude to myself has changed for the better and contact is slowly been increased and in general the situation is much more positive I feel the Carer is making the situation difficult. It is little things like contact been disrupted due to pre-planned events within the carer's home life, or failure to attend the most recent Lac review, I just get a feeling that the Carer is not happy about the changing situation and this alarms me hugely.

My Child's view has always remained the same with a wish to return home and finally things look like this could be a reality in the future, I do not want anything to hamper this and do not know how to deal with situation, I am aware that any criticism from myself could be detrimental to the positive progress that is been made. But I also want to ensure the Carer's behaviour will not affect my Child in any way.

I am concerned but not sure how to proceed.

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Hi Murray72

Sorry for the delay in responding to your post.

It sounds as though things are definitely improving for you and your daughter. You have obviously worked hard to prove to children’s services that your daughter is your priority. They are now increasing your contact which is a clear signal that they are feeling positive about you and your role in your daughter’s life.

It is a shame that the foster carer does not seem to be supporting the positive changes being made, particularly as these are being made in your daughter’s best interests. It is important to remember that the foster carer does not have any parental responsibility for your child. They are employed by the local authority to care for your daughter but are not in a position to make any significant decisions around contact or long term plans.

I would advise that you focus on ensuring the contact you have is as positive as possible and continue to work openly and co-operatively with the social worker, with the aim of further increasing the contact and working towards your daughter returning to your care.

If you continue to feel that the foster carer is being disruptive to the plan for increased contact, raise this with the social worker and/ or the IRO. As you say, you do not want any criticism from yourself to hinder progress being made. This should not happen as you have every right to raise concerns but it is advisable to keep any discussions as positive as possible. Try not to be negative about the foster carer directly but raise issues more generally. Focus at all times on the impact on your daughter and what is in her best interests and offer alternative solutions which meet her needs.

I wonder what your level of contact is now Murray? Things are obviously going in the right direction so it seems a good time to keep up that momentum, without being seen to rush things or put too much pressure on your daughter. If contact is supervised, perhaps you could work towards spending periods of unsupervised time together. If this is already the case, is it feasible to work towards having periods of contact in your own home? Is overnight contact the next step? If children’s services are not keen to increase face to face contact any further for a while, could you suggest increased telephone contact between visits?

Do keep posting and letting us know how things are going and if there is any more advice that you would like.

Best Wishes

Suzie
FRG Adviser

[Murray72]

Thank you for replying Suzie,

Contact has been changed from Supervised to Monitored now, so much more relaxed for my Child and Siblings, we also have contact over a longer period of time which makes it easier as my Child would constantly be clock watching and it drove me silently insane.

An Assessment for myself has been proposed, this in itself is a positive step, as CS opposed similar assessment whilst care proceedings were ongoing and now are paying for this assessment. I am remaining positive and know the care my Child receives in this placement cannot be criticised, and she is happy all things considered.

I have made huge changes in my life and have challenged many of the beliefs I held previously. This has been challenging time in my life and I just hope I can achieve a happy outcome for myself and my Children.

[Bubbles92]

Hello I was just wondering if someone can help me my son is in long term foster care because of a past relationship I was involved in everything was fine until he got placed with new fc and now he has gone from desperately wanting to come home to her basically telling me that he doesn’t anymore she is constantly undermining me I have spoke to sw about it and nothing happened she is taking over she started calling herself his foster mum after a few weeks and it’s really upsetting now she is saying about planning family extras for him but I’m not invited she has changed him so much it’s like he has to look at her for approval can I get some advice please

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear Bubbles92

Welcome back to the parents’ discussion board. Thank you for your post.

I am sorry to hear that you continue to be worried about your son’s foster carer, how she relates to you and how she behaves towards your son. This is distressing you. It sounds as if it is a difficult situation for you to deal with.

I know you have raised similar queries with your son’s social worker before, and I provided some advice about what you could do.

It is important that you update your son’s social worker again and ask that they check and let you know how your son is doing. You can ask them to clarify what these ‘family extras’ are. The social worker can liaise with the foster carer’s supervising social worker who oversees her care of your son.

There may be different explanations for the above and it may be that the foster carer wants to help your son feel safe, settled and part of their family while he lives there. This is for your son’s benefit. Foster carers also have delegated authority to allow them to make decisions which relate to the child’s normal life and activities. But it is also essential that your views as a mum are heard and that you are reassured about how your son is doing in his foster home. You shouldn’t feel undermined so best to let the professionals involved know the impact on you.

Your son’s IRO is crucial in reviewing your son’s care plan and the arrangements for him to see you and other family members. You should of course be consulted and informed about what is happening. So do get in touch with your IRO if you need more clarity or support around this.

You are your son’s mum and always will be. Foster care works best when everyone involved including the foster carer and the child’s parents work together to make sure that all his needs are met and he feels fully supported. The social workers may be able to support you and the foster carer to reduces tensions and help you and the foster carer have a constructive relationship to help your son thrive.

The charity MATCH mothers ) (mothers apart from their children) offers emotional support to mothers struggling with separation from their children. You may want to look into whether you would find this helpful. Their helpline number is 0800 689 4104.

I hope this is helpful.

Please post again or contact the advice service via one of the options linked to here if you have a query about children’s services.

Best wishes

Suzie

[Bubbles92]

I feel like it’s a losing battle I have spoke to the social worker on multiple occasions about her behaviour it’s so unprofessional to the point she asks me personal questions and then give me her opinion on the situation that I’m in at the moment also doesn’t feel like she is encouraging mine and my son relationship like she should I understand her trying to make him comfortable within her family but there is a line like saying in front of me that he asked her son if they were brothers assuming it’s okay to call him her child in front of me and other people on public places discussing my situation is that even allowed I thought they were supposed to have boundaries and I feel she’s over stepping them

[Bubbles92]

Also the social worker seems fob me off saying it’s not there fault that what my son is coming out with yet it never happened until he was placed there also doesn’t seem to want to get to the bottom of it and ask my son why he is feeling that way and if he has been brainwashed or spoke to about things he shouldn’t be spoken to about

[Bubbles92]

I have just had my FaceTime with my son and from a misunderstanding the fc shouted at me over FaceTime in front of my son and belittled me for a misunderstanding is that allowed

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear Bubbles,

Thank you for your updated posts. I will reply to all three posts here.

I am sorry to hear about the tensions and misunderstandings you describe. I can see that this is a distressing situation for you and your son must be feeling very uncomfortable if there are times when he notices disagreement between you and his foster carer.

The reply on 4th July gave details of the role of your son’s social worker, the independent reviewing officer and the supervising social worker who works with the foster carer. Each of these professionals has a role in ensuring that your son’s placement continues well and the way that you and the foster carer relate to and understand each other and the tone of your interactions in front of your son are vital.

I would suggest that you ask for a discussion with both the social worker and the independent reviewing officer, either at the next looked after child review or before that if the next planned review is not for some time.

You can read more about the role of the independent reviewing officer here and read about looked after child reviews here.

As previously mentioned, every foster carer has a supervising social worker. Their role is to provide the foster carer with ongoing support, guidance and supervision.
The supervising social worker is not the same person as the foster child’s social worker. The two social workers will work closely together, so you could ask your son’s social worker how she thinks the supervising social worker may can help with resolving some of the difficulties.

The supervising social worker visits the foster carer regularly to make sure she is meeting your son's needs. There may be training available to the foster carer that could help. You can read more about the role of a supervising social worker here.

It may also help to think about your son’s developmental stage. You have noticed changes since he moved to this placement. I am not trying to minimise the possible thoughtless of the foster carer and your feelings about this, but we should not lose sight of how children do change as they go through the years and how the way that they express themselves and the circle of people who are important to them also changes.

You will always be mother to your son, nothing will alter that, and it sounds like you do everything you can to show him how much you care and that he is always kept in mind. All the work you do to keep that vital connection to your son is the most important thing here. It would be tough for your son to always feel ‘in the middle’ if interactions between you and his foster carer continue to be strained, so I would urge you to go back to the social worker and ask how they are involving the independent reviewing officer and supervising social worker in working through these issues.

A previous response gave details for MATCH mothers – a support organisation for mothers living apart from their children. I think this could be a very helpful group for you, so I will repeat the link here.

I hope this helps.

Best wishes,
Suzie