Bail

[Princessleia]

Hi

My now ex partner was arrested a month ago for assaulting me. He is currently on bail for 28 days and I've been told that will likely be extended.

He is not allowed contact with me and the kids which I understand. Social services are naturally involved and I am happy to work with them to ensure mine and my children's safety. We are currently living in a hotel and the youngest has had to start full Time nursery as my ex was the primary care giver.

I am however seriously concerned for the wellbeing of my 3 year old. She doesn't understand and over the last week she has become a different child. It is heartbreaking. She is clearly suffering from separation anxiety and I'm having to collect her early from nursery as she will not settle. She constantly sobs for her dad. She seems to have no energy and doesn't want to have fun. Yesterday while at the park she just sat there. I am trying my best to reassure her but there's only so much I can do.

If bail gets extended am I able to request his bail is amended? I feel supervised contact is in her best interests and probably his too. Police and social aren't saying much at all. I do not wish to have contact with him nor be in a relationship but I do feel my daughter needs him. Even an hour a week. I'm scared if I request this however they will think I'm not safeguarding her

[KatKat10]

If you show sympathy for your attacker, the SS will see this as being in denial and not safeguarding your children. Your children will naturally be upset at not having contact with their father and as you say your youngest is unsettled. The SS may imply your children have witnessed attacks and you have not done enough to protect them. The SS have a habit of blaming women in these types of situations.
I am on the assumption that any contact arrangements would be supervised at a contact center, but this request would need to be made by your partner to the SS. His bail conditions might have restrictions on them, so would prevent any contact request being granted. The SS are not your friends, do not be taken in by them. Please read everyone's experiences on this forum and get legal advice.

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear Princessleia

Welcome to the parents' discussion forum and thank you for your post.

In your post you stated you're currently living in a hotel with your children and there is no contact between your partner and you because of bail conditions as well as keeping you and the children safe. You are very worried about the impact the separation from her father is having on the well-being of your 3-year-old daughter and want to know whether there can be some contact between her and her father.

Whilst you are happy to remain separated from your partner and work with children’s services new name for social services] You are very worried about how children services view you wishing to ensure that your daughter whom you believe is suffering from separation anxiety have some contact with her father. From what you say in your post your daughter who is still very young has had to cope with significant changes in her world. She's no longer in her home, she's living in a new environment, started full time nursery, meeting new people and her primary caregiver is no longer there, so it is understandable that she would upset by these changes and have difficulties processing it. It would be difficult for an adult and she is only 3 years old.

From your post it appears that you are taking seriously the assault upon you as you have moved away from your partner and are working with children services. I do not think that children services will believe you are not willing to protect your children if you discuss with the social worker your concerns about how the changes have impacted the children and in particular your 3-year-old daughter. The nursery will be able to support you regarding how your daughter presents and how unsettling she is finding it at nursery. A all cases are dealt with based on their circumstances. I suggest you speak to the social worker about contact and how this could be facilitated for the children.

Since it is likely that your former partner has a solicitor advising him in respect of the criminal investigation, I do not think that it is for you to request changes to his bail condition as he can ask his solicitor to do that. If your former partner believes that he needs to have contact with his children then he is able to speak with his solicitor or the social worker. You have not mentioned in your post that the father has made any request for contact with the children. Your role as a protective parent is to put your children’s needs before your own and to do what it's necessary to keep them safe. From your post it appears that you are doing this, and I think it unlikely that children services will see you as not safeguarding the children.

I am including links to information on our Website relating to working with a social worker, when domestic abuse is an issue and what happens when children services receives a referral. I hope you will find this information helpful.

Should you wish to speak with an adviser you can telephone are free confidential advice line 0808 801 0366. The advice line is open from 9:30 AM to 3:00 PM Monday to Friday [except bank holidays].

Best wishes

Suzie

[Princessleia]

Thank you very much Suzy. I appreciate your response. It is a very challenging time and I'm reading so many negative stories about social services that it is making me very nervous.

I have had very Little contact with my social worker so far. She has visited me twice so far and said she will arrange another visit soon. I have the health visitor this week who I am hoping can advise me on dealing with my daughters emotions. I also have an appointment with a solicitor to discuss a non mol order and a CAO. I will be starting therapy next week and have referred my girls for support via various agencies. I have kept in touch with the older girls schools who have said they are doing well and they have no concerns. If there is anything else you can suggest for me to do in order to help my family move on I would appreciate it. Again I really appreciate your time

[Princessleia]

Hi

Just wanted to update this.

Well children services have officially closed the case. They are happy with the steps that I have taken & have said supervised contact is appropriate which is what I wanted.

I have spoken to the police and they are changing the bail conditions so ex can have contact. They have asked me to put someone forward so I have suggested a friend of mine I've known my whole life and who is comfortable being around ex and is able to be neutral. I believe the police are now checking the suitability of her to supervise. Is this normal? I thought this would of been the job of childrens services.

Also as Time progresses there may be times I need to change who supervises contact. My friend would like to have a baby in a few years and obviously she works, has her own life etc. Should I get someone else to supervise at some stage would I need to contact the police to authorise this and do checks?

One more question, our daughter is 3 years old. I believe my ex needs intense mental health support but I hope one day he can be a better person. If in years to come he has demonstrated stability and clear change would we be able to revisit unsupervised contact and if so how does that work? There are no court orders in place

Thanks in advance

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear PrincessLeia

Thank you for your updating post. It sounds as if children’s services agree that you are a protective parent and also agree with you that your ex-partner should only have supervised contact with your daughter. On this basis they have closed the case.

I am unsure if the specific proposals for supervised contact were discussed with the social worker. As you are suggesting that a trusted friend should supervise contact I am surprised that children’s services are not assessing her. From what you say, as you have contacted the police to amend the bail conditions, they are checking your friend’s suitability. Have they explained what they mean by this? I can only guess that this means police-checking her and perhaps ensuring she understands why contact needs to be supervised. They are not social workers so I can’t imagine that the police would do more than this.

Once the criminal justice process is concluded the police will no longer be involved and so would not have a role in authorising future contact supervisors. This would be up to you as a parent with parental responsibility to agree and ensure the person’s suitability. You could discuss with children’s services too . If you no longer feel that supervised contact is in your daughter’s best interests then it would be up to her father to pursue an application for contact by applying for a Child Arrangements Order (CAO) for contact. You mentioned that you were considering applying for a CAO in your last post too. This would be a way of formalising arrangements if needed.

It is good that you want your ex-partner to be able to get the right mental health support to assist him. I hope he manages to do this. If you wanted to move towards unsupervised contact that would be your decision or the court’s if either you or your ex-partner apply for a CAO. The court would make a decision based on the children's welfare and having considered the concerns and risks e.g. re mental health and domestic abuse. The outcome of the criminal process is also relevant here. If the family court is not involved then I would suggest that you/your ex-partner inform children's services of your plan so that they can advise on whether they agree that it is suitable. As previously discussed, children's services see you as a protective parent. However, as they closed the case based on a plan for supervised contact and in view of the concerns around domestic abuse they may have worries if unsupervised contact goes ahead without their or the court's approval. Your ex-partner would need to be able to show that he has accessed help to make changes and that he is no longer a risk.

If you would like further advice. please post back or call our freephone advice line on 0808 8010366, Mon to Fri, 9.30 am to 3.00 pm

I hope this helps.

Best wishes

Suzie

[Princessleia]

Thank you so much for coming back to me.

I was also under the impression that childrens services would assess anyone who will be supervising. I was not asked for any names or info surrounding them. No real specifics were discussed either. In the report I was given it just states that contact is to be supervised & dad is to continue to get help for his mental health & the schools to report any concerns. The assessment was generally very positive. It listed everything I have done since ending the relationship and it also stated that my ex has acknowledged what he has done and is taking steps to help himself. The reports from the schools were all very positive too. I am a little nervous as I don't want to get anything wrong. I dont know for example if he would be allowed to collecf my child from school with supervision for example? Is he allowed to go to things like parents evening? I have had my closure letter now from the social worker so we are 100% discharged from their services

Thank you for also responding regarding unsupervised contact. We are a very very very long way off that. I think I just feel that as our daughter is only very young it's hard to imagine that he will need supervising for the next 16 years! But who knows! I would like to co parent with him in a positive manner which is why I am supportive of him getting help however my daughters safety is the priority and always will be no matter how old she gets

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear Princessleia,

Thank you for your post. As it stands, I would advise that any contact your child's father has continues to be supervised, as per children's services recommendations, until there has been changes that would allow for the situation to be re-assessed. It is not possible for every children's services to give direction for every possible scenario, and therefore you will be expected to act in your child's best interests, which includes deciding whether it would be safe for you to have contact with him in any capacity.

For further advice and information, you may find it helpful to contact Rights of Women on 020 7251 6577.

Best wishes,

Suzie.