Drink Driving kids in car

[Averagemind]

Me (Father) and my ex partner (mother) broke up over 2 years ago, We have 3 children together all under 6, The break up was mainly around her misuse of alcohol impacting our relationship which her family were very aware of, she also had been battling depression for quite some time and i think she still is although has told her parents she is no longer on her the tablets for it.

At the time the issue with alcohol was not impacting our children in anyway, since our split we have had a bit of a frosty relationship with a few arguments along the way but have for the last year been able to get along amicably, I’ve never really been able to gauge what is happening behind the scenes although I knew my ex partner was still drinking quite heavily.

To my surprise I received a call from children services 3 months ago regarding my ex's alcohol abuse, Which had been reported by people close to her (friends, Work colleagues), When i spoke to her freinds they had said she was now drink driving with our children in the car and getting to the point where she blacks out after drinking so much.

Since that day I had been going round supporting her most days with cleaning (she is extremely untidy, Just crap everywhere, clothes, mouldy dishes and cups) & was helping with the children getting them to bed etc so had her friends been helping in this way. Although she had admitted to me she has a problem she is still in huge denial about the seriousness of it, We never really discuss it, and i think maybe she plays it down to her friends even though they know what she is like. Good news she is receiving help from alcohol support group, however as no one close to her is in attendance in these sessions no one really knows what's said. She is still drinking heavily and lying to her friends, family etc about it but they know as they check her house & she also has been round friends houses a few times and blacked out secretly drinking without them seeing whilst our children are still there, ( one of the friends being who had inatially reported her to children services) If she is unable to control herself round her friends we dredd to think what she may be doing by herself in the evenings.

Her mother has asked us to stop going round helping with cleaning etc as she thinks this is not helping as it is creating a false image when the children services have been round to do there assessments as if we do not help the house quickly deteriorates.

Everyone around my ex partner now knows what's going on which must be extremely difficult as she must feel she is being judged in her every move i really do feel sorry for her, (I have to add if you saw her & spoke to her never would you be able to guess what is going on in her life she looks and sounds so innocent). Her mother and father say she very manipulative, Obviously this is because of the alcohol addiction and her trying to mask over everything as if its all fine and that she is making progress (she really isn't).

The major concern for us all is the drink driving, Especially with the children in the car this has happened many times now, Friends have reported her to the police & multiple times to children services for this.
Unfortunately we all agree she is extremely unlikely to change unless something awful happens, Her mother has also reported to children services, and is very much wanting the children to be taken off her, until she gets help / showing progress that she will change, If I have to care for my children full time i will do so with no hesitation but they need there mother in there lives.

My question is are social likely to remove the children from her just based on the school, close friends & her family reporting her multiple times, I know they only remove them in extreme circumstances but the drink driving is huge issue for us all.

I hope this all starts going in the right direction and she can beat the addiction.

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear Averagemind,

Thank you for your post. I am sorry to hear about the difficulties that your ex-partner is going through and I hope that the following advice is of some help to you.

Firstly, I am afraid that I cannot comment on how likely it is that children’s services will remove the children from your ex-partner’s care. This will depend on their assessment of the situation and whether they feel that the children are at risk of significant harm in her care. If they do feel that the children are at risk of significant harm then it is possible that they may start care proceedings (the process of applying to the Family Court for a care order or supervision order), or they may feel that the risk can be managed under a child protection plan. You can find more information about care proceedings on our website HERE.

I would advise you to make sure that children’s services are fully aware of the fact that you and other members of the family have been going round to the house to clean, tidy, and help with the children. It is important that they have a full understanding of the current situation and, as your ex-partner’s mother has said, it is possible that your ex-partner is managing to ‘mask’ the impact of her alcohol misuse with the extra support she is getting. I would suggest that you send an email to the social worker, copying in their manager, explaining what support you and other family members have been offering, and what your concerns are about the condition of the house and the safety of the children. I would also suggest that you encourage other members of the family/friends to share their concerns in the same way with the social worker and manager.

Ultimately, if you feel that your children are unsafe in your ex-partner’s care then you could decide to keep the children in your care and not return them until you feel that it is safe to do so. In the longer term, if you feel that your children cannot return to their mother’s care then you may wish to make an application for a child arrangements order. This is a private law order which states where the children will live and what contact they would have with the other parent. Any arrangements made can be changed over time, depending on the circumstances of your ex-partner and yourself, but in the short term it seems most important to prioritise the immediate safety of your children (given the information you have shared).

I hope that this is of some help. If you have any further questions please feel free to post again, or you can call our confidential adviceline on 0808 801 0366 (Monday to Friday, 9:30am – 3pm). We also have a webchat service available several afternoons a week.

Best wishes,
Suzie