CS complaint

[cada1981]

Hi everyone!
Quick history. Partner has 2 children with ex wife. She had affair and moved 70 miles away, she is violent and so is her new husband towards us. Resulting in me being attacked outside our home, and her husband breaking my disabled partners wrist. CAO put in place for our own safety, We now meet in middle at a pub with CCTV.
In 3 years ex has broken CAO probably 50 times or more. She ignores email regarding schooling, wellbeing and medications. Lies to us about the decisions shes made, doesnt involve partner. List goes on! It's very frustrating. Last year 8 year old said SF was pulling knickers down and tickling/smacking bum and she didnt like it, told us this twice. Also mouth being washed out with soap, violence in the home. All reported to NSPCC to got CS involved. They did nothing. We complained and they have recently done an assessment.

They tried to go to the girls home on the friday, mother didnt open door. Ignored all calls from social services. I suspect to coach the girls into what to say. Assessment went on for 4 weeks. Assessment came through which more or less just slags myself and my partner off. 11 year old what she is saying to social worker is obviously her mums words as she says same words to us in emails. Such as " it's your way or no way" if she breaches the order and we remind her. I was told I was emotionally abusing the girls because on one occasion I made a remark about their mum after we had received a voice note from daughter (then 7) saying her mummy doesnt like me and therefore I am blocked from speaking to her.
The fact we have voice notes from both girls saying things is all historical, the fact that we got attacked by them both also doesnt count because it is historical. I find this utterly disgusting. My partner has been made out to be an awful dad. He is disabled and we drive 2 hours every other weekend to collect his girls, take them on holidays when mum doesnt, take them to appointments as mum doesnt. They didnt come to our home, didnt ask my own children questions though they asked her son (his previous step son from 5 years ago, when ex wife left to be with lover, my partner ended up looking after him for 6 months as he refused to move with his mum). Shouldnt they have gone to both homes or questioned both sides? the 8 year old told my own children about these concerns of hers and they would have been fine to have spoken to CS>

The social worker even told partner he is unable to communicate to his daughter regarding periods as hes a man and couldnt possibly understand! Lots of the report was incorrect, even DOB and she had information regarding CMS wrong making it out like partner was refusing to pay. He was out of a job for over a month so was on NIL payment, had to wait another month for them to recalculate payments. She didnt understand how to CMS worked but made out he didnt want to pay. The list can go on. It was obvious in the report she favoured the mum.

In her "recommendations" it says girls can choose whether they come to stay every other weekend or not and can simply choose not to come . So last weekend, they didnt come. We were really upset and made plans, my own daughter is now really upset and doesnt want to talk to the 11 year old and they are very close. We cant book holidays now or weekends away as we are worried they just won't come! Also as my partner is disabled, i have to drive him meaning own time away from my kids. Is it worth enforcing the order? Ive been told no point for the 11 years old but she needs to understand she cant have it both ways, however the 8 year old loves being here when she is here and its all very saddening.

The assessment proved the SF was pulling down knickers, however it was a game and has apparently stopped. So that makes us correct into reporting it however we are the abusive ones

Any advice welcome and sorry for the rant! Just feel the system really is not on our side!

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear Cada1981

Welcome back to the parents’ discussion board. Thank you for your post.

I am sorry to hear of the difficulties that you and your family continue to experience. I can understand how frustrating the situation is for you. You and your partner are committed to trying to retain a relationship with his children from a previous marriage but this is very challenging, despite a Child Arrangement Order (CAO) in place to allow this to happen.

You reported your concerns to both the NSPCC and Children’s Services about comments your partner’s 8 year old had made about her stepfather’s behaviour to her e.g. pulling down her underwear, as well as other concerns about violence in her mother’s home. You had to make a complaint to get children’s services to assess the situation which they have now done. You did the right thing by sharing concerns and following up on this by a complaint when your concerns were not looked into.

Unfortunately, you are very unhappy with the outcome of the assessment, how it was conducted and information contained within it which was incorrect. You feel that you and your partner have been portrayed in a negative light. You think that the assessment was biased in favour of the children’s mother. The social worker has recommended that it is up to the girls whether they want to come to stay with their father and you and your children. I understand that the CAO remains in place. The children did not come last weekend and you are concerned that they may not come again or not regularly. This makes it difficult for you to plan activities and holidays for the whole family.

I can provide you with some advice about the assessment which children’s services did. I think this was a child in need assessment.

Your views should be recorded in the assessment so you can comment on what has been written and the recommendations made. You can ask (in writing) that any factual errors are corrected. If there are parts of the assessment where you have been misquoted or information taken out of context you can also clarify this in writing and ask that this be attached to the assessment.

If you wish, you can make a complaint about the assessment and its recommendations. You have made a complaint before but I will attach the relevant information here too to assist you if you decide to do so. A complaint could address your concerns about bias and errors and re-consider the recommendations made but may not result in a different outcome.

You are querying whether children’s services should have come to your home too and spoken with your children. The assessment was in relation to the needs of your partner’s daughters who primarily live with their mother so the social worker did need to see them there. Children’s services would not be required to visit and talk with your children but could have considered doing so, with your consent, to have an overall picture of the children’s experiences. You could suggest how you think this would have been helpful if you are following up or making a complaint.

You ask if you if is worth enforcing the existing CAO for contact. You have had some advice that it may not be worthwhile in relation to the older child who perhaps is stating that she does not want to come. You think that the younger child may wish to come as she loves spending time with her father and your family when she is with you. I can see your dilemma. We do not advise on private law matters so you may wish to get some specific advice about enforcing a CAO from Child Law Advice or Rights of Women. You and your partner will need to decide what you think is best for you and your children. I hope that you are able to work this out.

I hope that this has been helpful.

You are welcome to post again on this forum if you have any further queries about children’s services’ role. You can also get advice by calling our freephone advice line on 0808 8010366, Mon to Fri (9.30 am to 3.00 pm) or using our advice enquiry form or webchat facility.

Best wishes

Suzie