Extremely worried about a third possible SS involvement.

[faithinus]

Hi! I would like to receive some guidance, I am extremely worried about what will follow and what steps I should make in order to protect my child.
It is a long story, so bear with me please.
I have been together with my partner for 10 years, on and off.
He deals with alcohol addiction.
The first police visit, he threatened that he will kill me, got arrested, no charges, SS did a RA, they took his statement, mine, and concluded NFA,son was 2, but they advised that he should seek therapy and alcohol addiction treatment. His English was bad, so AA meetings were out of the question, but he had remote therapy, he got better, still getting drunk, but not aggressive, until 2020, when around Christmas, we had a massive fight, and I called the police again. Police advised him to spend the night elsewhere, didn’t arrest him, SS came for a visit to our place, closed the case, because he was already moved out, so there was no risk to me or my child.
I should mention that he was not abusive to my child and also that my child is disabled. Has a serious life altering health condition. He moved back in shortly after, but we didn’t resume a relationship. I stayed in the bedroom, he lived in the living room. He moved out again in winter 2021, at my request. April 2022 I filed a police complaint for harassment, but he stopped before I was due to give a statement. December 2021, I called the police to report him for threat of attempted suicide while drunk driving, they arrested him, released 2nd day.
We got back together in summer of 2022, he moved back in, he was still in therapy, things were good, until a few months ago, when he started drinking again, being very abusive verbally and emotionally, mostly to me, but also sometimes to my child.
He would exaggerate in shouting at our child for very insignificant things, no patience with him. Other times, he would make my child feel like a burden for asking for simple favours or for not being able to do certain things ( he is 8). At the same time, he would spoil him, by buying expensive things or taking him out with his friends and allowing them all to splurge. A very contrasting behaviour, it affected my son, because he never knows what to expect from his dad.
My son is very sensitive, but also very mature, and unfortunately, he has intervened between our fights numerous times. He is doing very well in school and he is a role model as per his teachers words for his classmates, we often have play dates, parties and sleepovers, he is adored by other kids and he is not conflictual.
Our fights would always start bc of how he would treat our son and I would react negatively to that.
Last night, after 4 weeks of constant fighting and him getting drunk almost every day after work, he promised he would pay a short visit to a friend and then come back to do my son’s evening routine and watch a movie with him while I finished ironing; I was super pressed about this, because I had promised my son we would play Scrabble yesterday, and I couldn’t keep my promises bc of housework and cooking, and he promised he will take over and spend some time with him, our son was disappointed his friends didn’t want to come for a play date, and he was very bored and upset bc his dad spent the whole weekend working on the pigeons enclosure. My son has a good life, he has his own room with loads of toys and games, we visit museums, farms, zoos, he does extracurr activities, we go on holidays, he has a phone, laptop,etc. Because my partner is an addict (makes people not care about daily routines) and bc he works 12 hours a day and has an extra hobby as a pigeon fancier, the burden of all care for my son, and all thing related to our life falls on me: I cook every single day fresh meals from scratch, I do the shopping, school pick up, drop off, booking after schools, lunches, dr apps, shopping and ordering our son’s medical supplies, bills, prescriptions, the gas readings, the washing, the ironing, the cleaning, etc., he only gives our son a bath three times a week, sometimes washes the dishes, he will catheterise my son or administer his treatment, go for periodic haircuts and handle the garden care.
I am a PhD cand, and work atm as an unpaid Res Ass.,so I have more time, but I have ADHD, so I do get overwhelmed and hyper stimulated, and fights between us start from this as well, also money issues, bc when he gets drunk, he has no control over finances.
His short visit yesterday turned into a 5 hours drinking session, and I got exasperated about it and texted him continuously to plead with him to come home and stop drinking. I was angry, I cut some of his clothes, because he kept saying that I can do whatever I want with his things, he doesn’t care about anything when I told him to move out and get his things. When he came home and saw that I actually did that, he became very, very angry and was about to throw all my clothes out the window, kicked my iron and my ironing board, and kept saying that he will make sure that I will lose my child and I will get kicked out of the house we rent together, that he will not move away anymore; my son was not present. I said he should stop or I will call the police.
He kept saying, call them, call them, knowing that after the two SS visits in the past, I became “afraid” to call the police when we fight because I didn’t want any more SS involvement. I ended up calling the police, they came, I told them nothing physical happened, I just wanted him to sober up and let me go to sleep. Police took no action, told him to go sleep it off elsewhere. He left for the evening, he was still very angry, kept saying how I will be kicked out, he will get a solicitor, etc. He came during the night, and slept in the garage.
My extreme worry is: after this incident, considering our past history and conflicts, what will SS most likely do?
He is adamant that this time, he will not move out because he spent 10k for the pigeons loft, and I have to be the one moving out.
I am already a recipient of UC, not receiving DLA or CA atm because I contested the decision and I am in tribunal, however, we live in London, and rents are extremely high, and I don’t have money to pay upfront 1 month rent and deposit.
If SS do decide to make a further assessment, what should I say or ask from them in order for them to realise that I am not neglecting my son’s wellbeing by having his father back into our lives?
For me to move out, I can’t see the way: I can’t apply for a loan, I am under an IVA, because in 2018 I took out multiple loans to cover gambling debts he made while he was on a bender and I couldn’t pay. I do not have family in the UK, or close friends.

Thank you and sorry for the long story.

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear faithinus

Thank you for your post and welcome to the forum. My name is Suzie, I am an online adviser and will be replying to you today.

I am sorry to hear of your situation. It sounds like things have been difficult for you for a number of years. You live with an abusive partner, look after your disabled son, you are completing a PhD and managing your ADHD.

You have been in a relationship with your partner for ten years and together you have an eight-year-old disabled son. Your partner has alcohol related issues and is a perpetrator of domestic abuse against you and your son. You have contacted the police several times due to his behaviours, there has been no further action from them and they have made referrals to children’s services (as is their safeguarding duty).

During contact with children’s services, you informed them that your partner had left the family home. As a result of this they were satisfied that you safeguarded yourself and your child and took no further action.

You ask how you should respond to children’s services should they become involved again ‘in order for them to realise that I am not neglecting my son’s wellbeing by having his father back into our lives.’

Concern that a child is experiencing or witnessing domestic abuse is a very common reason why children’s services become involved with families. Research shows that children can suffer long-term. And the legal definition of significant harm specifically includes a child hearing or seeing someone else being harmed (see section 31(9) of the Children Act 1989).

It is important that parents and carers understand what is meant by domestic abuse, and that they understand the ways in which children’s services might become involved. This is because the procedures that should be followed by children’s services will depend on whether children’s services think:

 A child needs extra help and support or
 A child may be at risk of significant harm (child protection involvement).

The law says a child (up to 18 years) old) may themselves be the victim of domestic abuse. This is where:

1. The child sees, hears or experiences the effects of domestic abuse and
2. Any of the following apply:
– The child is a relative of the victim
– The child is a relative of the perpetrator
– The victim has parental responsibility for the child
– The perpetrator has parental responsibility for the child.

There may be many different signs of a domestically abusive relationship including physical, sexual and emotional abuse. Emotional abuse can include psychological abuse. Witnessing emotional abuse can be very traumatic for a child yet this can be minimised and overlooked – even by those involved. It is not always easy to identify. But it can be just as harmful as other forms of abuse. See our Emotional abuse page for more information.

Children can suffer long-term harm from living in a household where domestic abuse is taking place. So, if children’s services receive information about a child and concerns about domestic abuse they will decide:

 Whether to start an assessment
 What type of assessment it should be (for example, whether to focus on support or on child protection)
 Whether the child needs any immediate support or protection.

If the information children’s services have makes them suspect a child has been harmed or is likely to suffer significant harm then they must investigate. This is called making child protection enquiries. They have to do this by law. Please refer to the link HERE for further information and advice regarding this.

Part of a children and family assessment is to find out what support (if any) the family might need to support themselves and the child(ren) they are caring for. You have a disabled child. I do not know what his conditions are and the type and level of support he (and you) might needs. I have added a link HERE to information and guidance regarding children’s services obligations to disabled children. Please do take a look.

I would advise you to be open and transparent with children’s services. If you have informed them that your partner is no longer living with you and this is false, they will be concerned and worry that you are not prioritising your child’s needs above those of your relationship with your partner. I have added a link HERE to our ‘top tips’ when working with social workers. This guide provides ideas and suggestion about how to work well with social workers and what you might like to consider if things are not going so well.

I have added a link HERE to Refuge. They provide a national domestic abuse helpline for victims/perpetrators of domestic abuse and can also support you to move to a safe address should you wish to. This is their number - 0808 2000 247. I would also encourage you to seek further advice and support from their website because it contains lots of advice and information regarding domestic abuse in all of its forms.

It is your partner’s responsibility to seek support for the domestic abuse he is subjecting you and your son to. Also, his use of alcohol. I have added HERE a link to an organisation called RESPECT. This charity supports perpetrators of domestic abuse and this link HERE supports people who have issues with alcohol that you may wish to pass to him, if you feel it is safe to do so.

I hope you find this information helpful. There are many ways to contact Family Rights Group if you seek further advice in the future :

• A free telephone advice line open Monday to Friday between 9.30am and 3pm (excluding Bank Holidays) on 0808 801 0366
• Easy-to-follow online information. Features include an A-Z, FAQs, films, ‘top tips’ and legal advice sheets;
• Online forums where families can receive advice, discuss issues, and find support;
• A webchat service where you can message an adviser online, who will help you find information and advice to support you.

Best wishes, Suzie