My wife needs help

[Bluemoon87]

My wife needs help

Two boys: 3YO and 6 month old.

I feel like my wife is struggling at home. So much so I am no longer convinced my boys welfare is certain. I must start by saying I am deeply in love with my wife, and know she is deeply in love with the boys. I am also extremely aware of the difficulty at these young ages. This is why I am unsure of what to do and am reaching out. There are a number of factors which I detail below, but here is the situation:
I work away with the military. I am fortunate to be able to be home on weekends at a minimum, and usually wfh for a couple of days in the week to be around to support. My wife is on maternity still and my eldest is booked in to nursery three days a week.

Throughout the early months of our first things were different. We would go out every weekend and do activities. Could be a visit to a farm or a sensory class. Our love life did take a dip but our messages to each other were loving and cheery. The early months this time round are totally different. She is a different woman. We just bought our first house and I got promoted, things on paper were perfect. Slowly she started displaying signs that things weren’t right. She stopped replying (or even reading) my texts. Simple tasks weren’t (and aren’t) being done. Things like bathing, taking nappies out to the bin, tidying up after each activity weren’t being done. Sometimes I would come home on a Thursday and every room would have dirty nappies in it, there would be dozens of different jigsaws scattered over every floor, hardened food on the side and unwashed dishes in the kitchen. She even stopped taking my eldest to nursery. That’s when I knew something was wrong because in my simple brain I thought getting rid of the boy for the day would make life easier. Turns out she was unable to even get out of bed let alone leave the house. She doesn’t answer her friends messages, doesn’t talk to her family, and doesn’t talk to me. I could go on but the factors that I need you to consider are in no particular order:

Depression. She has a history of it and I sense post natal depression is having an effect. She has voiced this and we have tried to talk about what is needed to get her help. She refuses professional and medical support, why I find infuriating as she admits she feels it, yet won’t help herself.

Barriers. She will not open up. she won’t talk to me about it and the second I mention anything about standards she gets extremely aggressive and shuts down the conversation, scolding me for suggesting she ‘is a s**t mum’. If I mention our relationship she just responds with ‘we are not splitting up I wouldn’t put the boys through it and I don’t want to lose the house’.

Social media addiction. I put this last but this is in my mind the biggest factor. She is chronically addicted to tiktok. I feel the app is single-handedly ruining her life. She spends (and I am not exaggerating) about 18 hours per day online. Remember I said she was on maternity. She watches live streamers and messages this online community every day until the early hours. She even uses other apps to support her tiktok addiction: WhatsApp, telegram, discord, Instagram. She not only has it on throughout the entire time with the boys, she even has it on in public. We recently met with friends (I was delighted I got her out) and she genuinely sat there watching videos in front of them, to the point I got messages off them asking what was wrong with her. It has her possessed and I’m convinced there will be some kind of study over this thing because I’ve never seen anything like it. Going back to barriers, she is happy to open up on there. I should have mentioned she uses an alias, and sometimes she will wait for me to walk in, complain she has a headache and going to bed and then 10 minutes later she is laughing and joking online to these people. There is a significant amount of manipulation that goes on, and she also has started putting money into it through a ‘gifting’ process. I will also add in at this point she is talking romantically with one user that she knows I am aware of. Probably for another forum though that one.

So the million pound question is what do I do? I don’t want to leave her, I still love her. And with my work being far away from our family home it adds to the complications. I also don’t want to call social services on my own wife. If she found out it was me it could push her over the edge. I really don’t feel I am overreacting. I am torn between sympathy towards her as I can’t imagine how difficult it must be during the week and she’s clearly struggling, to anger because I know she’s sabotaging herself online and regardless of difficulty, basic tasks such as putting a nappy in a bin is the bare minimum. The refusal to talk to me and more so the refusal to seek medical help is breaking me.

Thanks if you read this far.

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear Bluemoon87,

Welcome to the parents’ forum and thank you for your post.

It sounds as if you are very worried about your wife, and consequently about your young children.

From the information you have given it may be that your wife is suffering from post-natal depression, some other mental health disorder, or she may simply be overwhelmed and stressed because she is caring for two young children. Becoming a parent for the second time can be very difficult, and caring for two children can feel extremely overwhelming as it can be difficult to keep on top of the household tasks.

My first suggestion would be for you to think about whether there are any friends or family members who might be able to offer some help. For example is there anyone who would be willing to come and cook dinner once a week? Or help by doing some laundry? These things can make a big difference. Is there anyone who would be willing to come and look after the baby for a few hours so that your wife can get some rest or can get some jobs done? You mentioned that some of your friends expressed concern about your wife – perhaps you could have a sensitive conversation with them and ask if anyone could spend some time with your wife during the week when you are away.

It may also be a good idea for you to consider whether it’s possible for you to take any time off work so that you can be around to help your wife at this difficult time. Obviously I understand that this is not always possible, but it is worth considering.

I would suggest that you contact the health visitor assigned to your baby. The health visitor is there to offer support to a family and I would suggest that you explain your concerns to them. They should be able to talk with you confidentially and they may be able to visit your wife and children and may be able to offer some practical and emotional support to her.

It may also be a good idea for you to reach out to your local Early Help team. Early Help aims to support families as soon as problems arise. You could call them for a chat, or you could visit a local children’s centre and talk with someone there.

You say that your older son goes to nursery. I would suggest that you have a chat with the manager and let them know what you are worried about. You can ask them to speak with you confidentially and you can ask them to keep a special eye on your son. They may also be able to give you some more advice as they will know your wife and children better than I do.

I am concerned about your comment that your wife has started giving money through a ‘gifting process’ online and that you feel there is a ‘significant amount of manipulation’ that goes on. It is possible that your wife is being financially abused. If her mental health is suffering then she is likely to be more vulnerable to abuse and manipulation. If you feel that this continues, or you are worried about this, then I would suggest that you discuss this with the health visitor, adult social services or another health professional. Speaking with friends and family about this would also be advisable as they may be able to offer advice and support.

Ultimately if you are concerned that your children are not safe in your wife’s care then you must act to protect them. This may mean discussing your concerns with children’s services, the health visitor or another professional. They would then be able to advise you about what you should do to ensure that your children are kept safe.

Finally I would suggest that you continue to try and talk with your wife about what you are worried about. It is important that she understands what you are worried about and why.

I hope that this is of some help. Please post again if you have any further queries or you can call our free, confidential adviceline on 0808 801 0366 (Monday to Friday, 9:30am – 3pm). We also have a webchat service and an advice enquiry form.

Best wishes,
Suzie