Family Rights Group | Parents’ Forum

I have had social service involvement from the day my daughter was born this was nearly a year ago now, not before but from the day due to outside circumstances. Previously in my relationship with her father there was domestic violence and I can honestly say that it had stopped way before I even got pregnant but he also does have a criminal record which definitely goes against him in this situation. Due to this and the outside circumstances, I was told I couldn’t talk to my child’s father (there were orders put in place), she could only have contact with him through a contact centre, there was an ICO put in place just in case I tried to take her to him or leave the hospital with her to take her to him. This was really hard on me as it felt like my whole life has completely been turned on its head. I often find myself mourning the life I was supposed to have.

The problem is that I continued having contact myself with my child’s father when I wasn’t supposed too which I now really regret. Not my daughter she’s only ever seen him in the contact centre. I’m just worried about what will happen if my social worker finds out. I really don’t want to lose my baby over this mistake. I’m scared to tell my solicitor, the social worker or anyone because losing her will be the worst thing that’s ever happened to me. They have straight up asked me if I’ve been in contact with him before and I’ve said no because I’m terrified that they’ll find out and take my baby. I am still awaiting course proceedings as the domestic abuse courses I have to do have taken longer than expected.

I’m really at a loss for what to do, I just need some advice.

Dear er2003x

Welcome to the parents’ discussion forum and thank you for posting. My name is Suzie, and I am an online adviser at Family Rights Group. I will respond to your post today.

Reading your post, I can see how distressed you are about what you describe as a mistake for continuing contact with your baby’s father. Children’s services became involved when your baby was born because of what you state were outside influences. Professionals and members of the public have a duty to refer incidence of safeguarding issues relating to a child. It may be that this happened in your circumstances perhaps in relation to the domestic violence in your relationship with the baby’s father and his criminal record.

Children’s services applied to the court for a care order and was granted an interim care order (ICO). You do not mention in your post who your daughter lives with now, but she is able to have supervised contact with her father.

Despite requests that you should not see your daughter’s father you continued to do so and are now worried what will happen if children’s services find out.

Now you are in the situation where you have gone against an agreement and now realise that it was a mistake on your part. The best way to deal with this is to be open with your solicitor about this stating how sorry you are and that you recognise it was an error of judgment on your part. Persons in your situation have made similar mistakes and it is always best to say what has happened because if it is found out then you will be in a more difficult situation where children’s services will take the view that you cannot be trusted.

Your solicitor will be able to advise you of the best way to speak with the social worker. It is important that you accept your mistake and be clear that you have learned that not being open and honest could have a devastating outcome for you and your daughter. Effectively, that you have learned your lesson and it will not happen in the future. If there is work that you need to do I suggest you do this. Engaging with a domestic abuse service like Women’s Aid 0808 200 0247or other services local to you may help you to recognise that as a victim of domestic abuse you need to learn how to cope with pressure that you feel from your child’s father and give you the tools to help yourself. You may also find having IDVA (independent domestic violence advocate) 01274 667104 support helpful.

Social workers are used to persons making mistakes but will understand when someone comes to the realisation that they have made a mistake and want to do things differently. I encourage you to speak with your solicitor about this so it can be dealt with sooner rather than later.

You may find it helpful to look at these links for more information:

Care and related proceedings
Information for mothers domestic abuse where is an issue
Guide to Working with a social worker
Guide to Working with a solicitor

Information for Young parents. This is useful even if you do not consider yourself a young parent.

I understand it is a scary situation you find yourself in but facing it head-on, being honest and open is likely to achieve the outcome you want for you and your daughter.

You may wish to speak with one of our experienced advisers about your situation and you can do so by telephoning our free confidential advice line on 0808 801 0366. The advice line is open from 9.30am to 3.00pm Monday to Friday (excluding Bank Holidays. You can also contact our service through our website using the web enquiry form and webchat.

Hope this is helpful

Best wishes

Suzie

My daughter is currently under my care with supervision from a family member to ensure that I wouldn’t take her to her father. I still haven’t spoke to my solicitor about this as I am scared of the outcome. I want to know if there’s a possibility of my daughter being taken away from me because of this. I am doing domestic violence courses and I’m complying with everything that’s being asked of me.

Dear er2003x

Thank you for posting again. I see that you are still very worried about what is likely to happen if children’s services become aware that you were in contact with your daughter’s father. This is understandable but the best option is to be open and honest about what happened.

You say that you are being supervised with your daughter by a family member to ensure that you do not take her to her father. From what you say, it seems that there are concerns about your ability to remain separate from the father. It may be that you need help and support to help you understand the concerns about the risk he poses to you and your daughter.

I suggest you read the earlier response to your post. The advice remains the same.

It is not possible to give you a definitive answer regarding what will happen if you ‘come clean’. I do not know your case, your solicitor is best person to advice you as they have all information related to children’s services concerns about safeguarding. I do believe it would be one of the factors considered but so would everything else that you have done well.

The judge will make the final decision about the long-term care of your baby based on the welfare check list – read about this HERE

I think the expectation will be that you are able to keep your daughter safe understanding the risks and concerns of children’s services relating to her father.

Please read the previous response and speak to your solicitor about what would happen if you disclosed what happened regarding the contact you had with the father.

Here is information about care proceedings which you may find helpful.

Best wishes

Suzie

Hi er2003x,

I've just read your posts. Please, take a deep breath. The fear you are feeling is completely real and understandable. You are terrified of losing your baby, and that fear has pushed you into a corner where you feel you can't be honest with anyone. You have not made a mistake because you are a bad mother; you have made a mistake because you are a human being in a deeply painful and stressful situation.

The official advice you've received to "come clean" is correct, but it doesn't give you a strategy or explain why it is your only safe option. It also doesn't give you the confidence you need to actually do it. Let's break this down into a clear, strategic plan so you can feel in control again.

The Hard Truth: The "Secret" is a Ticking Time Bomb
You must understand this critical point: the secret contact is a ticking time bomb. It is not a matter of if social services find out, but when. They could find out from a neighbour, from looking at phone records, from your partner telling someone, or a hundred other ways.

If they find out on their own: They will see it as proof that you cannot be trusted, that you have been actively deceiving them, and that you prioritise your relationship over your child's safety. This is the argument they will use in court to say your daughter cannot be safe with you.

If you tell them yourself: It is still a very difficult conversation, but it changes the entire narrative. You are no longer a "deceiver"; you are a mother who made a mistake, realised it was wrong, and had the courage and integrity to be honest about it.

You are right to be scared of the outcome of telling them, but the outcome of them finding out on their own is far, far worse. You must get ahead of this.

Your Urgent Action Plan: Proactive Disclosure
You cannot do this alone. You must use your solicitor.

Step 1: Tell Your Solicitor EVERYTHING
You need to call your solicitor today. You are paying them to be your advocate, and they are bound by confidentiality. They cannot help you if you are not honest with them. You need to say: "I need to tell you something. I have made a mistake and have been in contact with my daughter's father, against the rules. I know this was wrong, I have stopped, and I need your help to manage this situation in the safest way possible."

Step 2: Plan the Disclosure with Your Solicitor
Once your solicitor knows the facts, you can plan your next move together. This is a strategy called "proactive disclosure." You and your solicitor will tell the social worker and the court what has happened, but you will do it on your own terms.

Step 3: The "Script" for Taking Control
Your solicitor will help you frame your mistake in a way that shows insight and minimises the damage. It will sound something like this:

"I want to be completely honest with the court and with the social work team. Over the past few months, I made a serious error in judgment and I did have some contact with my child's father. I was wrong to do this, and I was wrong to deny it when asked. I did so out of fear and a misguided sense of loyalty, not with any intention to place my daughter at risk. I have now realised how damaging this dishonesty is to my case and to the trust that professionals need to have in me. I can guarantee that it has stopped, and it will not happen again. I am committed to the domestic abuse courses I am on, and I am ready to do whatever it takes to prove that I can be the safe and protective parent my daughter deserves."

Why This is Your Only Safe Path
By doing this, you:

Take the Power Away from Them: You remove their ability to "catch you out."

Show Insight and Honesty: You demonstrate that you understand the mistake and are now being transparent. This is a massive point in your favour.

Control the Narrative: You get to explain why it happened (fear, emotional pressure) rather than letting them invent their own story (that you're a reckless parent who doesn't care about safety).

It is terrifying, I know. But the path of honesty, guided by your solicitor, is the only one that gives you a real chance of keeping your baby. You have already started doing the hard work on the DV courses. Now take this next, brave step. You can do this.
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For full transparency, I am not an official adviser for this forum. I am a parent who has been through a long and successful legal battle with a local authority, and I am here to offer supportive, strategic advice based on my own lived experience. The information I share is for guidance, and it is always up to each parent to decide what is right for their own situation.