Family Rights Group | Parents’ Forum

I’m the new partner of someone who has a 4 year old with their ex. I’m looking for advice because the boy has just disclosed to my partner that his mum is hitting or ‘slapping’ him on the face and legs. This was recorded on the bedtime monitor.

They’re still married and child custody is managed informally. The mum essentially has custody but my partner gets him over weekends, occasionally a night during the week and when the ex is travelling for work.

We’re going to report the disclosure but there’s additional issues that make the situation more complicated. I’m trying to work out the different possibilities that could happen over the coming days, weeks and months. I’d really appreciate any insight and help from those who’ve maybe been through similar.

Since I’ve been dating my partner I’ve been concerned about the boy, though until now didn’t have any direct evidence that something was wrong. The boy didn’t have marks on his body. But he was adamant he didn’t want to go back to his mums, he would sometimes reach hysterics. Once he asked me if he punctured my car tyre would that stop me taking him home. When we collected him from hers he’d be silent and only whisper. If upset he’d hide in corners or in furniture like wardrobes. He didn’t have anything positive to say about his mums. There’s other concerning things in his development, he’s behind basically.

In the past she accused my partner of domestic abuse and controlling coercive control. I wasn’t there, but I do believe my partner on balance of all the evidence I’ve got. He denies it, and I wonder if he was given bad legal advice.

3 years ago she got a non-molestation order, but after 6 months my partner was back involved with her consent in looking after the boy. He’s a very good dad. It’s been largely amicable since, though she does control things and at a whim can remove access. She did this earlier this year when she wasn’t happy with me, a non Muslim, being around her son. Shes also threatened to take him out of the country and not return, basically abduction. The boy is British and born here but his mum’s from abroad. In the end this time she did bring him back, but the risk is there that she will try to take him especially if given warning of social services becoming involved.

My partner does need to get divorce proceedings under way and the formal custody process. But this issue with child protection I presume will make certain things move faster. I want to try to work out what social services and the courts might do, so we can be prepared.

Essentially i think the real abuser is the ex. And she has essentially lied, manipulated and embellished things. Though I’m well aware the court and CS won’t know that. Or believe it even with some evidence.

His solicitors at the time of the NMO told him to not fight it, so he now has that on his record. She’d got video of him taking drugs, which he couldn’t deny. They’d both agreed to do drugs for ‘therapy’ separately and when alone. But on his turn she came down, with the young child, and filmed him. He’s now stopped doing that and got other support instead. Who knows about her, though she didn’t disclose any of her side of that I don’t think.

She has also admitted on tape, subsequently, that my partner has never physically hurt her, despite making a serious allegation he did. From what I know of the relationship, she more likely was controlling him, such as what he was allowed to do, who he could see etc. she was also quite emotionally cruel.

On top of this, post birth a psychiatrist told them she mostly likely had multiple personality disorder. Which tracked with what my partner said she was like, very changeable, different names, forgetful, and sometimes aggressive/ semi violent. It’s a trauma related disorder. I don’t know if she was formally diagnosed as my partner thinks she withdrew from the process. What I know about this condition is it can potentially be dangerous for kids, though this depends on the person and how it’s being managed.

Given all this. Im obviously nervous how things are going to go. I know my partners a good dad, he cares, he puts lots of effort in and he’s never harmed him, the opposite. I’m alive to that some people might think I’m naive or missing something. He also knows he can’t let her harm his child and standby, something has to change no matter what. But once we report this, it’s out of our hands and into the system. Will he be believed, will the boy end up in temporary care, will they believe the allegations at all, will the boy just go back to his mum. Will they blame my partner instead especially if they say he could have reported concerns earlier. I’m trying to plot the potential outcomes

I want to add that the ex who was on a spousal visa, then was able to get indefinite right to remain using the domestic abuse exemption from the home office. The system as its stands is very well meaning but also could encourage false allegations.

I don’t know whether she did this but it’s a possibility.

My partner doesn’t like to dwell on the negatives and constantly gives her the benefit of the doubt. She’s a good mother, she means well, shes had a traumatic life etc. he also minimises the way she treated him. I do personally think he’s been a victim of abuse and on top of everything has had the system weaponised against him. To the point now that reporting child abuse allegations are heartbreaking because of what can happen next, whether he’s believed or accused of being malicious, or he loses access to his son altogether (who desperately loves him and wants to stay with his dad). Decisions over whether to even dispute her previous allegations now he’s got a chance or whether that would just look bad.

Dear Liverpoolhome

Welcome to Family Rights Group’s parents’ discussion board. Thank you for posting. My name is Suzie. I am Family Rights Group’s online adviser.

I am sorry to hear about your difficult family situation. You are worried about your partner’s 4-year-old son. He lives with his mother but spends regular time with his father, by agreement. The parents are still married despite the child’s mother obtaining a non-molestation order (NMO) against your partner three years ago. You believe the allegations were false. The child’s mother obtained indefinite leave to remain as a victim of domestic abuse.

You plan to report concerns as the child has recently said that his mother is hitting or slapping him on the face and legs. You are worried about the impact reporting these concerns will have due to the parents’ history and the current informal contact arrangements. You say your partner needs to begin divorce proceedings and formalise arrangements for his son. You are worried that his wife may use the NMO/domestic abuse history and past drug use against him in these proceedings.

You also have other concerns about the child's behaviour and development and that his mother may have a personality disorder which could impact on her parenting.

There are several steps your partner can take, as a concerned and involved father, with parental responsibility (PR) for his son.

My advice will focus on the role of children’s services. Your partner should seek urgent private law advice about what he can do to safeguard his child (e.g. how he can exercise his PR or apply for a prohibited steps or emergency child arrangements order(CAO) ) or to make future arrangements. Unfortunately, private law is outside our remit but I will signpost to specialist advice and services.

As you and your partner are worried that your son’s mother is hitting or slapping him on the face and legs then you should share these concerns promptly with one of the agencies below, asking that they refer or investigate his situation:

• NSPCC
• Police
• Children’s services – children’s services in the local authority area where the son lives permanently.

You may find it helpful to see our FAQ: raising concerns if a father is worried that his child is not being kept safe. You can call children’s services or MASH team directly to make a referral but it is best to follow up with an email setting out :

• A clear list of the main concerns
• Relevant details about what your partner’s son said and in what context, and what he understands by hitting or slapping
• Whether you have discussed your concerns with the child’s mother and your reasoning for this
• Details of anything you feel needs to change
• A request for a written response to the email.

Children’s services must decide within one working day whether to assess/what type of assessment to do e.g. to offer a voluntary child in need assessment (section 17)focusing on support or to make statutory child protection enquiries (section 47).

I know that you want to make sense of what the outcome of referring your concerns will be and if children’s services become or remain involved. This will depend on the specific circumstances and information gathered during the assessment. Our advice on how children’s services work shows the different processes and the principles they must follow and how the way they are involved can change over time, if the situation It changes.

It may be a good to idea to read our guide to working with a social worker to get off to a good start and so that you have information about what to do if any difficulties arise.

I know one of your worries is that your partner’s son could end up in temporary foster care. This is an understandable concern but can only happen in specific circumstances. Social workers must work with families to keep children safe and at home where possible and can only remove a child from their parent if the family court has approved a plan for removal and made an order allowing children’s services to do so or if a parent (or another) with parental responsibility has voluntarily agreed to the child being removed (and no one who can object does object).

You have a concern that the child’s mother may abduct her son abroad. Child Law Advice provide advice on how to prevent this; you can find by scrolling down this page to the relevant FAQ.

In addition, your partner can get advice/information on divorce and making arrangements for children from:

• Advice Now
• Resolution
• Gov.UK
• A solicitor via the Law Society find a solicitor website
• Support through court

You and your partner are doing the right thing by wanting to make sure that his son is safe and his home situation is investigated because of the concerns you raise. As you say, your partner knows that something has to change and cannot standby if worried for this son’s welfare. There are unknowns in relation to what will happen but working positively with children’s services and accessing specific private law legal advice will mean that the current situation will move forward.

I hope this helps.

If you need any further advice about social work involvement, please post back, call our freephone advice line, send an advice enquiry or use webchat.

Best wishes

Suzie

Thanks for your advice. We’re going to get private legal advice, though I’d not thought we could get an order knowing suggested so that’s something we can ask about.

The other thing I’m realising is that this whole nightmare could - worst case scenario- have an impact me personally. And if I choose to have my own child with my partner, which I was considering. I just don’t know how I’ll cope if due to this woman’s previous allegations social services end up wanting to be involved with my own child. And what that will look like. Whether justified or not. I mean I know I need to be aware I could be duped and these allegations are true, but at the moment I just don’t think they are.

The other thing I’ve not understood is how the NMO could just be in place, and then it’s not. It expired and was time limited. If people were concerned - whether the ex and presumably whoever else knew about the NMO then I would have thought that there would have been issues with my partner having access to his son in the last few years. But that’s not the case.

What’s the normal procedure for NMOs that run out. …

Dear Liverpoolhome

Thank you for your further posts.

You are worried about what would happen if you and your partner decided to have a child together and if this would lead to children’s services becoming involved in your family life. This would depend on the circumstances and whether you needed support or there were risks. This would include the outcome of children’s services assessment of your partner’s son’s situation following your referral to them about your concerns that he says his mother is hitting him. There can be many different outcomes to an assessment as discussed in my previous response depending on any risks/harm/support needs identified. In very serious cases, where a child is removed from a parent’s care under care proceedings that parent should expect children’s services to assess if they are expecting a new baby, even with a new partner. But many parents go on to successfully have a new baby if they have had a lower level of social work involvement. If you want to know more about potential social worker involvement with parents to be please see here.

The most important thing at the moment is for your partner to address his concerns about his son and to cooperate with any assessment.

You have some valid questions about what happens when a non-molestation order expires. The applicant could apply for it to be extended if there is further evidence or risk. You may find it helpful to look at the charity Rights of Women’s guide to legal injunctions ; this guide also sets out how a NMO can protect a child too, so you may want to read that. Perhaps your partner can explain a bit more about what happened when the NMO ended.

I hope this is helpful.

If you need any further advice about children’s services, please contact the advice service again.

Best wishes

Suzie

Thanks

I do know what happened. After it expired they briefly resumed their relationship and she moved in for about 2 months. This was largely to facilitate access to his son and they now have an informal arrangement where he has him at weekends.

So my question is, if there were serious allegations in a court order, though no finding of fact or admission. Why didn’t social services get notified. Because to me it seems they weren’t. And that either suggest to me that the allegations were not treated as serious, or the court made a mistake. It doesn’t make any sense to me