Father who previously harmed my child asking for increased contact

[FaeryMaiden93]

I’d like some advice, please. My son sees his father for two hours face to face supervised contact a month, plus a 30 minute video call (so one face to face and one virtual contact a month).

Father served a 22 month prison sentence for assaulting our son when he was 8 weeks old. Our son suffered a brain bleed and it was later determined he had a healing fracture (indicating two separate incidents). Father received 11 months in custody and 11 months on licence, all of which concluded in 2024. Thankfully our son seems to have made a full physical recovery but I can’t ever shake the fact that he could’ve killed him.

The above contact has been ongoing as above since our son was around 18 months old (with the exception of when he was in prison). We went through the family court process between 2019 and 2021 and I have custody of our son under a child arrangements order; so he lives with me but has supervised contact (by paternal grandmother) with his father. My mum also attends at my request as an extra pair of eyes.

Around a year ago he asked for the contact with our son to be increased and I refused, though he did challenge this and ask what my reasons were. I heard nothing about it again until now. The first time he asked for increased contact he asked for my mum not to go on contact as well. I send my mum to contact as an extra pair of eyes because of what he did to our son. The Court granted paternal grandmother supervision responsibilities but it’s my job to keep our son safe and I don’t attend the contact! I’ll never fully trust Paternal grandmother because she doesn’t think what her son did to my son was his fault , they push the contact to the absolute maximum (max 2 hours and they always go slightly over) and the first time they went on contact she put them in the back of the car together (when the Order states the contact is in a public place), but I can’t go against what is ordered by the Court and that is that she supervises. So I send my mum and that reassures me.

The final court order makes provision for the arrangements to change subject to my agreement and the local authority either saying they don’t need to be involved, or agreeing to the changes. The local authority said they don’t envisage contact increases being in my son’s best interests in the short or medium term (from the order in 2021). I contacted the LA about this the first time he asked for an increase in contact and they basically said I can refuse and he’d have to seek an assessment from them/own legal advice. They wouldn’t give me any indication as to whether they’d support an increase in contact or not. It’s my understanding that if I don’t agree, he can take the matter to Court.

The Court appointed psychologist during family proceedings was very clear about the significant risk he poses to our son, but the LA and Court still allowed him access and now he wants more. The psychologist said it was highly unlikely he would ever change and not pose a risk. It also transpired during the proceedings that he killed our 4 month old kitten several years previously and hid this from me.

I feel sick to my stomach that this man thinks he’s served his sentence and that absolves him of his crimes. He’s never said sorry for what he did to our son, or showed any remorse. He never assures me that he knows what he did is wrong and that he would never do it again. Does anyone have any advice or been through similar? Things have been as amicable as possible and he’s chosen the dates for contact that suit him, I’ve been as flexible as possible with it all. I don’t think he’ll ever be safe to be unsupervised around our son, but I feel like this is the start of asking for more and more time and increasing the risk. I don’t want to agree to more time and increase the risk, in my eyes.

If I say no again, I know he can take it to Court but I’m terrified they will grant it or potentially give him more time.

Thank you for reading

[Winter25]

Hi FaeryMaiden93,

I am so incredibly sorry you are having to carry this. What he did to your baby was horrific, and the fact that your son physically recovered does not make any of this feel safer for you. Your instinct to protect him is not irrational, vindictive, or anxious. It is exactly what a protective parent should be doing, and you are doing it brilliantly so well done for that!

The truth is that your fear is completely understandable, but you need to know that you are not powerless here. You do not have to agree to increased contact just because he asks for it. The fact that he has finished his prison sentence or his license has expired does not wipe the slate clean in family law. Family court is not about whether a father feels he has "done his time"; it is entirely about the welfare and safety of the child. When there is a history of proven, serious physical harm, the court operates under strict rules, specifically Practice Direction 12J, which forces them to prioritize safety above all else.

If you say no, he can absolutely apply back to court, but that does not mean he automatically gets more time. He would have to prove to a judge that there has been a fundamental change in his risk level since the 2021 order. Given that an expert court psychologist explicitly stated he poses a significant, unchanging risk, and there is zero evidence of remorse or rehabilitation, a judge is not going to just hand him more time.

You actually hold a very strong hand here, especially regarding the supervisor. If his own mother is already pushing the time limits and breaking the public-place condition by putting them in the back of a car together, you need to start a quiet, strictly factual written log. Document every single date, start time, finish time, overrun, and rule breach. Do not put any emotion in it, just facts. Keep sending your mum to observe, because having your own trusted person taking notes is your best defence. If he drags you to court, that log will prove his chosen supervisor cannot be trusted to protect your son.

Do not get drawn into long arguments with him. You do not need to negotiate your son’s safety. Send him one clear email and then stop responding. You can say something like:

"I do not agree to any increase in contact at this time. Given the history of serious harm to our son, the findings made during the previous proceedings, and the absence of any professional evidence demonstrating a reduction in the risks previously identified, I do not consider an increase to be in his best interests. The current arrangements remain the position under the order. If you wish to take legal advice or make an application to court, that is a matter for you."

That is all you need to say. It is calm, child-focused, and gives him absolutely nothing to argue with. Stand your ground. Saying no is not unreasonable OK it is protective.

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For full transparency, I am not an official adviser. I am a parent with lived experience of the family court system, offering strategic guidance. Always consult with a solicitor regarding ongoing safeguarding and court orders.

[FaeryMaiden93]

Thank you so, so much. I can’t thank you enough for this incredibly helpful reply. There is no mention in his requests of contrition or acknowledgement that he caused serious harm (and that he’d never do it again!) just that he thinks more face to face contact with our son would be better for building his relationship with him. I think he has completed some courses previously but he hasn’t shown me any demonstrative evidence that he’s changed. I am not sure what he would present to a court to show that he has changed.

Your comments about keeping a log are so helpful, I was wondering how to manage this without rocking the boat. On his first supervised contact session paternal grandmother hid him behind tinted windows in the back of her car (inappropriately supervised, if all as she was concentrating on driving and it is supposed to be in a public place). We immediately raised this with social services, who effectively told us it was no longer their concern (as the case had finished) so I started sending my mum because I knew I couldn’t trust his mum and can’t go against a court order. But sadly the LA thought they could trust her and so she is the supervisor. It’s frustrating because they made it clear it’s my job to protect him (and it is) but it’s out of my hands during contact. Thank you for validating my concerns with really helpful advice.

[Winter25]

Hi FaeryMaiden93,

you are very welcome, What you have just described reinforces exactly why you are doing the right thing. He wants a better relationship with his son, but wanting a relationship is not the same thing as showing insight, taking accountability, or proving real change. In a case involving such horrific harm to a baby, simply saying "I want more time" is nowhere near enough. A parent who has genuinely rehabilitated understands that the burden of proof is heavily on them to show how the risk has reduced; they don't just expect more time as a given.

You are absolutely right that this puts you in a deeply unfair position. Social Services told you it is your job to protect your son, but then the court tied supervision to a grandmother you cannot fully trust. That is exactly why your own quiet record-keeping matters so much. You may not be able to rewrite the court order yourself, but you can build a factual history that proves the current setup is already being pushed to its limits.

The best way to manage this log without rocking the boat is to keep it incredibly boring. Think of it as a contact diary, not a complaint diary. No emotion, no adjectives, no big conclusions in it ,just raw facts. For example, you would write: 3 April 2026. Contact due 2pm to 4pm. Paternal grandmother supervising. Child and father placed together in the back of the car behind tinted windows at the start of the session, despite the order stating contact must take place in a public place. Contact exceeded two hours by 12 minutes.

That is all you need. If he ever drags you back before a judge, a clean, factual diary is infinitely more credible than an emotional one. It proves your concerns are based on actual conduct during contact, not just fear. Keep doing exactly what you are doing. Stay calm, keep things amicable but firm, and do not agree to more time just to avoid conflict. Keep building your paper shield, let your mum keep observing, and let him complain.

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For full transparency, I am not an official adviser. I am a parent with lived experience of the family court system, offering strategic guidance. Always consult with a solicitor regarding ongoing safeguarding and court orders.

[FaeryMaiden93]

Thank you so much for this. Do you think it matters that I haven’t kept a diary until now? I’ve just started one with the notes that I remember and will keep one going forward. That’s such a good and pragmatic idea. I know my mum keeps good tabs on what they do and don’t do, which is helpful, but like you say, keeping a factual and unemotional account is a good way forward. I even challenged paternal grandmother at the time about the safety issues of putting them in the back of the car together and how it’s her job to protect my son and not once did she ever acknowledge that it’s her job to do so and she truly takes this seriously. I did read that they’re changing the law in respect of a child’s right to see both parents taking priority when there is a risk of abuse and I’m hopeful that might have some bearing on our situation going forward.

[Winter25]

Hi FaeryMaiden93,

it absolutely does not matter that you haven't kept a formal diary until now. Family courts see backdated logs all the time, and parents usually only start keeping them when a trigger event happens, like him asking for more time. The only rule here is to be completely honest about the timeline. For anything that happened before today, just write a sentence at the top saying "Retrospective notes written from memory on [Today's Date]" and jot down everything you or anyone else that can assist you or helps you as factually as possible. From today onwards, just log things contemporaneously as they happen. If your mum wants to write her own separate, brief account of what she remembers from those early contacts, sign it, and date it, that is even better. Two independent, matching accounts are very hard for a judge to ignore.

Regarding the grandmother, you need to protect your own peace and save your energy. She is his mother, which means she is likely never going to admit that her son did something monstrous, and she will never fully take her role as a protective supervisor seriously because she fundamentally does not believe there is a risk to protect your son from. Stop trying to convince her or challenge her to see sense. It will only cause friction that they will try to use against you to say you are being difficult. Just employ the grey rock method with her, be perfectly polite at handovers, say the absolute bare minimum, and let her make her mistakes while your mum quietly writes them all down. Give her the rope, and let her trip over it herself.

As for the law you mentioned, you are likely reading about the "presumption of parental involvement" under the Children Act. A lot of abusive parents try to weaponize this by telling their exes that the law now gives them an absolute "right" to their child. Please do not lose a single second of sleep over this, because the law actually has a massive, hard-coded exception built specifically for cases exactly like yours.

The law says a court must presume that the involvement of a parent is beneficial, but only if there is no evidence that their involvement would put the child at risk of suffering harm. Because he was criminally convicted of causing severe non-accidental injuries to your baby, and the court psychologist flagged him as a significant risk, that presumption is completely dead in the water for him. He lost that automatic legal assumption the moment he harmed your child. The law is already firmly on your side, and Practice Direction 12J is your shield.

You are doing everything exactly right. Get that refusal email sent off, get your notebook ready, and try to enjoy your weekend with your boy.

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For full transparency, I am not an official adviser. I am a parent with lived experience of the family court system, offering strategic guidance. Always consult with a solicitor regarding ongoing safeguarding and court orders.

[FaeryMaiden93]

Thank you so much, this is incredibly helpful.

I will start a retrospective diary and a contemporaneous one going forward.

In all honesty, I avoid paternal grandmother as much as possible to avoid any conflict. She is very bossy and controlling and consistently tries to have more power in my son’s life.

I think it’s just difficult to see that presumption of parental contact/involvement isn’t a given because he still retains PR and they gave him supervised contact, if that makes sense?

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear FaeryMaiden93,

Thank you for your posts. I am Suzie, an online adviser at Family Rights Group replying to you today. I will address each of your posts in this response.

You explain that your ex-partner and father of your son served a prison sentence for assault on your child when he was an infant. Your ex was then released on licence but this ended in 2024. You have custody of your son under a child arrangements order and contact for the father was set at two hours face to face - supervised by paternal grandmother and in a public place -and one virtual contact monthly. Your son’s father is now requesting an increase in contact. You have not agreed this as you do not feel that this is in your son’s best interests and you have observed that the existing plan has not been fully adhered to. Most importantly you are not convinced that your son would be safe having increased contact with his father under changed arrangements.

You are worried that your ex will now take the matter back to family court for a variation of the child arrangements order. The order made in 2021 provided for potential contact increases subject to your agreement and the local authority either saying that they do not need to be involved or that they agree to the proposed changes. You have discussed the matter with children’s services and been told that they cannot indicate their position on whether they would support a future increase in contact, but have explained that if your ex does make an application to vary the child arrangements order an assessment will be needed.

Family Rights Group are not a specialist agency on private family law matters, so I can best help by signposting you to other organisations that may be of use. You have had advice from another forum user and am glad to read that you have found the suggestion of keeping a log of all contacts very helpful.

Child Law Advice have online resources detailing the law on child arrangements orders. If you experienced domestic abuse from your ex, you may be eligible for legal aid, depending on your income. You can read more about legal aid if you have experienced domestic abuse on the Child Law Advice page here.

Rights of Women have a family law advice line. The national advice line is 02082516577 and the London advice line is on 02076081137. Further details can be found on the Rights of Women website here.

I hope this information and signposting is of use to you.
You can call our free, confidential adviceline on 0808 801 0366 (Monday to Friday, 9:30am – 3pm) to speak in person with an adviser. We also have a webchat which is currently open on Monday and Thursday afternoons, and an advice enquiry form.

Best wishes,
Suzie