Sick with worry about potential move

[Ogg72]

I’m f52 and a grandmother to f3 granddaughter via my son and soon to be ex daughter in law. They both have a myriad of issues such as autism, adhd and possible bipolar disorder between them. We have helped financially, emotionally, physically in every way possible as they both need support and myself and my m52 husband could sort of ‘minimise the chaos’ if you like with security and zero chaos. Granddaughter has slept over with me once or twice sometimes more a week since birth.
Now they have split my possible bipolar daughter in law flips between wanting my son to have primary custody so she can move 1.5 hours away to be with her girlfriend to wanting to take 3yo with her.
They’ve needed support EVERY week and that was with both of them! With our son living with us again he has plenty and 3yo is settled, but with mum she is in clothes that don’t fit, shoes too small (this happened when together but I’ve always kept clothes here for her). I’m at my wits end if she takes 3yo with her for a ‘fresh start’- no support, no one to take her to and from school or watch her until mum comes home. Or strangers anyway. She won’t even tell my son the address. She’s done so much since the split and I just want to find out as much as I can. She is a loving mum, has some great qualities, but she needs so much support and to take herself away from family and friends who have all been heavily involved is so traumatic especially for 3yo. I can supply more information if needed. Can anyone think what I could help with? Many thanks

[Robin D]

If your son and DIL are divorcing as you suggest, then I always understood that a Child Arrangement Order was mandatory before the divorce absolute, but it's not an area I have any real experience of. That child arrangement order should set out what will happen to the child after the divorce. Your son therefore has the right to affect what will happen unless they were not married when the little one was born, or his name is not on the birth certificate.

If a CAO cannot be agreed between the parties then the court will decide and make the order.

Your son needs to speak to his legal representative and stress his concerns assuming he shares yours.

@Suzie the FRG advisor may offer better advice, but your options seem limited unless you want to embark on a legal route yourself as a significant person in the child's life.

I wish you luck.... Robin

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

I’m f52 and a grandmother to f3 granddaughter via my son and soon to be ex daughter in law. They both have a myriad of issues such as autism, adhd and possible bipolar disorder between them. We have helped financially, emotionally, physically in every way possible as they both need support and myself and my m52 husband could sort of ‘minimise the chaos’ if you like with security and zero chaos. Granddaughter has slept over with me once or twice sometimes more a week since birth.
Now they have split my possible bipolar daughter in law flips between wanting my son to have primary custody so she can move 1.5 hours away to be with her girlfriend to wanting to take 3yo with her.
They’ve needed support EVERY week and that was with both of them! With our son living with us again he has plenty and 3yo is settled, but with mum she is in clothes that don’t fit, shoes too small (this happened when together but I’ve always kept clothes here for her). I’m at my wits end if she takes 3yo with her for a ‘fresh start’- no support, no one to take her to and from school or watch her until mum comes home. Or strangers anyway. She won’t even tell my son the address. She’s done so much since the split and I just want to find out as much as I can. She is a loving mum, has some great qualities, but she needs so much support and to take herself away from family and friends who have all been heavily involved is so traumatic especially for 3yo. I can supply more information if needed. Can anyone think what I could help with? Many thanks

Dear Ogg72,

Thank you for your post and welcome to the kinship carers’ forum. I am Suzie, an online adviser for Family Rights Group responding to you today.

I am sorry to hear about the confusing and stressful situation you are in. This must be a very difficult time.

You describe your grandchild's mother as your ‘soon to be ex daughter in law’ so it seems like she and your son are currently married but in the process of divorcing.

Married fathers automatically have parental responsibility (in law). If they are not married he will have parental responsibility if he is named on his child’s birth certificate.

If neither of these apply it is still possible for your son to obtain parental responsibility. You can read more about parental responsibility and when fathers have or how they can acquire it here.

Family Rights Group have a page for fathers that may be useful to your son here.
It seems that the parents have not agreed a plan for their child now that they have decided to part ways.

A first step to making child arrangements concerning where their daughter should live and who she should have contact with would be to arrange mediation. You can read more about mediation here. There is information and contact details about organisations that offer mediation on this web page.
If the parents cannot reach agreement via mediation, your son could apply for a child arrangements order. Family Rights Group do not advise on private family law but there is relevant information on the Child Law Advice website here.

Should you as a grandparent become concerned, now or at any point in the future, that your granddaughter’s physical, emotional and practical needs are not being met and that neither parent is able to prioritise her and agree a plan for her consistent and safe care – or accept help from you -you could make a referral to your local authority children’s services. The contact details will be on the council website.

Children’s services have a duty to make enquiries if they are given information that suggests that a child may be at risk of significant harm or need befriending and assistance. You can read more about child protection enquiries here.

One of the ways in which children’s services can help families where there is concern about a child’s welfare is by arranging a family decision-making meeting called a family group conference to discuss ways in which extended family and friends’ network can offer support to the child. You can read more about family group conference here.

I hope that your granddaughter’s parents can reach an agreement that is in her best interests. It sounds like you as grandparents are doing everything that you can to create a good and safe environment by supporting both parents to work through the current issues and focus on her needs.

I am also sending you a link to information from Kinship ( a charity that supports kinship carers and relatives who may be concerned about a child). Kinship have an information leaflet which details the ways in which grandparents could apply for a child arrangements order to step in and provide care – should this become necessary.

You can read the Kinship guide to child arrangement orders here.

I hope this is of some help.
There are many different ways to contact Family Rights Group if you seek further advice in the future:

• A free telephone advice line open Monday to Friday between 9.30am and 3pm (excluding Bank Holidays) on 0808 801 0366
• Easy-to-follow online information. Features include an A-Z, FAQs, films, ‘top tips’ and legal advice sheets;
• A webchat service where you can message an adviser online, who will help you find information and advice to support you.
Submitting an email enquiry via the here
• to receive a response within 5 working days.

Best wishes,
Suzie