Sick with worry about potential move

[Ogg72]

I’m f52 and a grandmother to f3 granddaughter via my son and soon to be ex daughter in law. They both have a myriad of issues such as autism, adhd and possible bipolar disorder between them. We have helped financially, emotionally, physically in every way possible as they both need support and myself and my m52 husband could sort of ‘minimise the chaos’ if you like with security and zero chaos. Granddaughter has slept over with me once or twice sometimes more a week since birth.
Now they have split my possible bipolar daughter in law flips between wanting my son to have primary custody so she can move 1.5 hours away to be with her girlfriend to wanting to take 3yo with her.
They’ve needed support EVERY week and that was with both of them! With our son living with us again he has plenty and 3yo is settled, but with mum she is in clothes that don’t fit, shoes too small (this happened when together but I’ve always kept clothes here for her). I’m at my wits end if she takes 3yo with her for a ‘fresh start’- no support, no one to take her to and from school or watch her until mum comes home. Or strangers anyway. She won’t even tell my son the address. She’s done so much since the split and I just want to find out as much as I can. She is a loving mum, has some great qualities, but she needs so much support and to take herself away from family and friends who have all been heavily involved is so traumatic especially for 3yo. I can supply more information if needed. Can anyone think what I could help with? Many thanks

[Robin D]

If your son and DIL are divorcing as you suggest, then I always understood that a Child Arrangement Order was mandatory before the divorce absolute, but it's not an area I have any real experience of. That child arrangement order should set out what will happen to the child after the divorce. Your son therefore has the right to affect what will happen unless they were not married when the little one was born, or his name is not on the birth certificate.

If a CAO cannot be agreed between the parties then the court will decide and make the order.

Your son needs to speak to his legal representative and stress his concerns assuming he shares yours.

@Suzie the FRG advisor may offer better advice, but your options seem limited unless you want to embark on a legal route yourself as a significant person in the child's life.

I wish you luck.... Robin

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

I’m f52 and a grandmother to f3 granddaughter via my son and soon to be ex daughter in law. They both have a myriad of issues such as autism, adhd and possible bipolar disorder between them. We have helped financially, emotionally, physically in every way possible as they both need support and myself and my m52 husband could sort of ‘minimise the chaos’ if you like with security and zero chaos. Granddaughter has slept over with me once or twice sometimes more a week since birth.
Now they have split my possible bipolar daughter in law flips between wanting my son to have primary custody so she can move 1.5 hours away to be with her girlfriend to wanting to take 3yo with her.
They’ve needed support EVERY week and that was with both of them! With our son living with us again he has plenty and 3yo is settled, but with mum she is in clothes that don’t fit, shoes too small (this happened when together but I’ve always kept clothes here for her). I’m at my wits end if she takes 3yo with her for a ‘fresh start’- no support, no one to take her to and from school or watch her until mum comes home. Or strangers anyway. She won’t even tell my son the address. She’s done so much since the split and I just want to find out as much as I can. She is a loving mum, has some great qualities, but she needs so much support and to take herself away from family and friends who have all been heavily involved is so traumatic especially for 3yo. I can supply more information if needed. Can anyone think what I could help with? Many thanks

Dear Ogg72,

Thank you for your post and welcome to the kinship carers’ forum. I am Suzie, an online adviser for Family Rights Group responding to you today.

I am sorry to hear about the confusing and stressful situation you are in. This must be a very difficult time.

You describe your grandchild's mother as your ‘soon to be ex daughter in law’ so it seems like she and your son are currently married but in the process of divorcing.

Married fathers automatically have parental responsibility (in law). If they are not married he will have parental responsibility if he is named on his child’s birth certificate.

If neither of these apply it is still possible for your son to obtain parental responsibility. You can read more about parental responsibility and when fathers have or how they can acquire it here.

Family Rights Group have a page for fathers that may be useful to your son here.
It seems that the parents have not agreed a plan for their child now that they have decided to part ways.

A first step to making child arrangements concerning where their daughter should live and who she should have contact with would be to arrange mediation. You can read more about mediation here. There is information and contact details about organisations that offer mediation on this web page.
If the parents cannot reach agreement via mediation, your son could apply for a child arrangements order. Family Rights Group do not advise on private family law but there is relevant information on the Child Law Advice website here.

Should you as a grandparent become concerned, now or at any point in the future, that your granddaughter’s physical, emotional and practical needs are not being met and that neither parent is able to prioritise her and agree a plan for her consistent and safe care – or accept help from you -you could make a referral to your local authority children’s services. The contact details will be on the council website.

Children’s services have a duty to make enquiries if they are given information that suggests that a child may be at risk of significant harm or need befriending and assistance. You can read more about child protection enquiries here.

One of the ways in which children’s services can help families where there is concern about a child’s welfare is by arranging a family decision-making meeting called a family group conference to discuss ways in which extended family and friends’ network can offer support to the child. You can read more about family group conference here.

I hope that your granddaughter’s parents can reach an agreement that is in her best interests. It sounds like you as grandparents are doing everything that you can to create a good and safe environment by supporting both parents to work through the current issues and focus on her needs.

I am also sending you a link to information from Kinship ( a charity that supports kinship carers and relatives who may be concerned about a child). Kinship have an information leaflet which details the ways in which grandparents could apply for a child arrangements order to step in and provide care – should this become necessary.

You can read the Kinship guide to child arrangement orders here.

I hope this is of some help.
There are many different ways to contact Family Rights Group if you seek further advice in the future:

• A free telephone advice line open Monday to Friday between 9.30am and 3pm (excluding Bank Holidays) on 0808 801 0366
• Easy-to-follow online information. Features include an A-Z, FAQs, films, ‘top tips’ and legal advice sheets;
• A webchat service where you can message an adviser online, who will help you find information and advice to support you.
Submitting an email enquiry via the here
• to receive a response within 5 working days.

Best wishes,
Suzie

[Ogg72]

Thank you for your reply. It has been chaotic here so this is my first time logging on since reading your message.
My son eventually agreed to take it to court, and his soon to be ex wife has responded to his request for primary custody by asking the court to insist he has supervised visits due to his abusive and controlling behaviour!! I’m flabbergasted. I have assured him that the truth will out but it’s absolutely terrifying how far she has gone to hurt him and get her way. I say this as someone who was manipulated by her to believe my son was unpleasant but it didn’t take long for me to see that was not the case- I kept silent as I figured they’d sort it eventually somehow and also because she always told me not to tell him when she complained about him. I knew she was ill but this is scary- she loves her daughter and her daughter loves her and this is a real escalation in damage. I believe she believes what she says. I’m scared witless. All we can do is keep ‘clean hands’ and be fair and unemotional in response to this and answer everything asked of him and us if we are asked. I’m going to try and go through text messages and gather evidence of behaviours that were manipulative and pass them along if required or requested. How do I support my son and granddaughter? I actually still can’t find myself hating my past daughter in law I feel very worried about her mental health.

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear Ogg72

Thank you for your updating post.

I am sorry that your son and daughter-in-law could not reach an amicable agreement regarding their daughter and the matter is now in court.

You daughter-in-law has made allegations of domestic abuse against your son and the court will consider these allegations to find out the nature and extent of the alleged abuse.

If your son represented, then you may need to inform his solicitor of the role you played their lives when together. If not, then he can ask the court whether you can provide a statement. It is always best to consider what is best for the child in these situations and the court must consider the child’s welfare as it main consideration when making its decision.

The court will ask for a section 7 report, this will be prepared by CAFCASS or children’s services. As your son is living with you, they may want to have your views about your granddaughter and his ability to care and the support you can offer. You could then explain the level of input you had with them as a family in the past.

Hopefully, the parents may still be able to reach a workable solution in the best interests of their daughter.

You may wish to get further advice from Child Law Advice on 0300 330 5480 as they offer advice in respect of private law family matters where a person does not have a solicitor representing them. This does not fall within the remit of our service as we advise where children's services is directly involved with the family.

Hope you find this helpful

Best wishes

Suzie