My child has to move out for me to be kinship foster carer for my grandchild

[Nana81]

My son and his girlfriend had a baby when they were 17. They all lived with us through the pregnancy and till our grandson was 7 months old. Their relationship broke down ans mum and grandson moved to mum and baby unit. She wasn't coping and sadly made a suicide attempt after about 8 weeks. Our grandson has since lived with his dad (our son) and us for the last 8 months.

My grandson is on a CP plan due to domestic violence between the parents and mums mental health. They have started a PLO. My son recognises he is unable to care for his son alone and wants us to be SGO. Social services are assessing us and want us to be kinship foster carers and then SGO, if mum is unable to make the necessary changes.

Now they have suddenly said that for us to be kinship foster carers our son may have to move out. There are no issues at all of him being a danger to our grandson. Mum has made some allegations of drug use and he's agreed to a drug test which we are waiting on. Social worker has said if anything shows up on that test then he won't be able to live with us, but even if its clear then it might still be an issue.

Is it right that they can say he has to move out? He's only 18, is neurodiverse and we adopted him. I can't believe they can be this cruel to make us choose between the two of them when we've all been living together perfectly well that last 8 months and all the reports say our grandson is thriving.

[Robin D]

Hello @Nana81 and welcome here. My apologies that I or no-one lese has responded to your message.

@Suzie, one of the FGR advisors will respond when workloads allow. I am just an ex carer with a interest in this area.

I think the key word used 'may' have to move out. I understand that. At present they probably have little idea of the family dynamics when the parents were together, and it's likely that they will have received several versions of the same story. Were they to find that the domestic violence was primarily started by your son (I am not saying that is true, but at this stage they don't know, and sadly, whatever your own thought's, most parents will automatically support their own children), then they would be absolutely right to put the protection of the children first and foremost. They have to proceed with an abundance of caution. So say for instance the mum has claimed that the reason for the suicide attempt was his controlling behaviour, violence and threats, however you look at it, they have to take that seriously, and, if he were in the house, the children could be at risk 'behind your back'.

I can't suggest you do more but say to the social worker that you understand their concern, but will ensure that one of you, or you husband is always present when your son is there. Also is there anyway you could partially segregate the house so he has limited access to the areas where the children are. I suggest you talk that through with your son before you say anything to anyone else. You can point out that you believe him, and trust him, but ask him why the social worker should. Seek his views on how to mitigate any perceived risk.

If it helps, years ago (coming up to 30) one of our long term foster daughters came to stay with us with our baby grandson after a terrible fight. The father took the matter to court making also sorts of allegation about her care of the child, none of which we believed, but had to take at face value. We resolved it by me making a written declaration to the court, that the two of them would stay with us, but that she could leave at any point, but not with child, and that I would call the police should she attempt to. It was to give the authorities time to properly review the evidence and complete a report to the court. That of course showed that he had a history of lying controlling behaviour and had made false allegations to the court. Our 'grandson' then lived with his mum until he went off to university at 18 and they remain close now even though he is working abroad.

The father went on to have another child with a new partner following which there was almost a repeat performance, and that child ultimately stayed with the mum. Father is a nasty piece of work but 'charming'.

Good luck. It's not going to be easy, but working with the authorities, accepting the concerns but making sensible proposals might mean, that the word 'may' never becomes 'must'.

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

My son and his girlfriend had a baby when they were 17. They all lived with us through the pregnancy and till our grandson was 7 months old. Their relationship broke down ans mum and grandson moved to mum and baby unit. She wasn't coping and sadly made a suicide attempt after about 8 weeks. Our grandson has since lived with his dad (our son) and us for the last 8 months.

My grandson is on a CP plan due to domestic violence between the parents and mums mental health. They have started a PLO. My son recognises he is unable to care for his son alone and wants us to be SGO. Social services are assessing us and want us to be kinship foster carers and then SGO, if mum is unable to make the necessary changes.

Now they have suddenly said that for us to be kinship foster carers our son may have to move out. There are no issues at all of him being a danger to our grandson. Mum has made some allegations of drug use and he's agreed to a drug test which we are waiting on. Social worker has said if anything shows up on that test then he won't be able to live with us, but even if its clear then it might still be an issue.

Is it right that they can say he has to move out? He's only 18, is neurodiverse and we adopted him. I can't believe they can be this cruel to make us choose between the two of them when we've all been living together perfectly well that last 8 months and all the reports say our grandson is thriving.

Dear Nana81,

Welcome to the kinship carers’ forum. My name is Suzie and I am the online adviser for Family Rights Group. Please accept my apologies in the delay in responding to you. I can see you have had some helpful advice from RobinD already, and I hope that the following information and advice is also helpful. You can click on the hyperlinks below to take you to more information on our website.

Firstly, I am sorry to hear about this very difficult situation. It seems that you are doing all you can to support your son as a young father and to protect your grandson from any harm. It is good to hear that your grandson is likely to be able to stay in your care if he is unable to return to his mother’s care.

As RobinD has explained, during the early stages of an assessment children’s services do need to consider all eventualities. It is important that they are upfront and transparent about the possible scenarios which may unfold and this may include your son needing to move out of the property (if there is a concern that he poses a risk to your grandson). Ultimately children’s services need to know that you will prioritise your grandson’s safety and wellbeing, even if this means making difficult decisions about your son.

As RobinD has suggested, I would advise that you have an open conversation with the social worker and ensure that you make it clear that you will always prioritise your grandson’s safety. This could include an agreement that you will supervise your son when he is looking after your grandson, or calling the police if you have any concerns that your son is under the influence of drugs (as an example). Although it is understandable that you wish to support and stand up for your your son (especially given that you have no reason to think that he poses any risk to your grandson), it is really important that children’s services feel confident that you would prioritise your grandson and not be ‘blinded’ to risk that your son may pose.

You and your son may find the information on our website HERE helpful. It has some information about how children’s services should work with young fathers. The section titled “Risk vs Resource” may be particularly helpful as it gives some tips if young fathers are viewed as a ‘risk’ to their child rather than a ‘resource’ to help and support their child.

It may also be helpful for you to read information on our website HERE about kinship care and special guardianship.

I hope that this is of some help. Please post again if you have any further queries or you can call our free, confidential adviceline on 0808 801 0366 (Monday to Friday, 9:30am – 3pm). We also have a webchat which is currently open on Monday and Thursday afternoons.

Best wishes,
Suzie