Partners parents control everything, we both have autism

[FSEWF1]

Our son and his partner of three years recently had a baby, she is now seven months old. They are in their early 20's and both have autism, they have a great relationship. The baby lives with her at her parents address. He is on the birth certificate.

Prior to having a baby, his girlfriend had always come to see him at his home with her dad dropping her off round the corner and picking her up, she never put any pressure on him to come to her house. However, Since having a baby he had been going on a regular basis to her house to spend time with her and their baby with visits to his home over the past seven months being very little, approximately six or seven short visits amounting to no more that 6 or 7 hours in total with numerous promises of visits that never happened. He has tried to voice his desire for them to spend time with him and his family at his home but he doesn't feel listened to.

After dropping him off at her house recently we received a text message from her parents saying we, the grand parents were no longer welcome at their home due to something we have apparently said about them. We sent a text back outlining our feelings and the need for both families to be involved in the child's life and asked if she could spend one day a week at our son's home as we had spent so little time with her. When we later went to pick him up he told us his partners mother had told him he had to listen to what she had to say, she told him we are nasty and bullies amongst other things, he can only remember some bits that she said as he went into shock. She knew he was vulnerable and would not feel able to respond or escape such a verbal attack on his family, it is also concerning that her own daughter was present and was also very distressed, she was crying. He then went on to tell us he had been pressured on numerous occasions to tell them we had said something bad about them and would not stop until he did. We told him he couldn't return there with this bullying and intimidation and he said he didn't want to as he no longer felt comfortable there. Our attempts to now make proper arrangements for him to see daughter at his home have been ignored with them now stating in a text that we are denying him access to his child because we won't take him there any more! even his partner is now saying he is missing out on quality time with his daughter and should come back.


We have tried in text messages to reason with them, explaining how as parents we should all be supportive towards them and view them as a family in their own right, having autism does not preclude them from bringing a child up if they have the appropriate support, but everything we say seems to fall on deaf ears. The whole situation has become deeply worrying. We think they viewed my son and their own daughter as incapable of looking after a child from the outset and took on the role of parents themselves and as long as our son is under their control and with his family out of the picture there would be no threat to that. Any advice would be great, we don't want to get in between our son and his girlfriend and want to avoid court, we don't think mediation would help as they are so unreasonable and are clearly unable to see anything beyond their own needs or desires. Do you think child services would even be interested? the baby is looked after physically and judging from the 100's of photo's the grand parents have posted on facebook we were able to see (prior to us all being blocked) she looks happy.

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear FSEWF1

Thank you for joining the forum and welcome to Family Rights Group. I am an adviser at Family Rights Group and will be replying to you today. I am sorry to hear of your situation, it must be a stressful time for you all.

Your son and his partner have a seven-month-old child. Both parents are neurodiverse and have autistic spectrum disorder. Prior to the child being born you son’s partner mainly came to your home to spend time together. Following the birth of your grandchild, the mother took the child to her home (she lives with her parents) and your son remained living with you. Both sets of grandparents supported the family with transport to and from their respective houses.

Since the child’s birth, mother and baby have spent very little time with the father at your home. You, your partner and your son mainly see the child at his partner’s home. You were concerned about this as you felt it was important that your son and his child spent some time in your son’s home environment. You raised this with the maternal grandparents, promises were made for mother and child to come over more often, but this did not materialise on a regular basis.

Following a recent visit your son made to his partner and child, you received a text message from the maternal grandparents to say that you and your partner where no longer welcome at their home because of alleged comments you made about them. You made attempts to address these and to outline why you think it is important that both sets of grandparents support the parents in their respective homes and you made suggestions as to how this might work.

When you picked your son up from their home, he told you that the maternal grandparents had told him that you were ‘nasty’ and ‘bullies’ and other stuff some of which he couldn’t remember because he was distressed and shutdown. Following this, you informed your son that he could no longer go to their home because of the intimation he faced and moreover, you son said he did not feel comfortable.

Following this, you made attempts to put arrangements in place for your son to see his daughter at his home but they have been ignored. The maternal grandparents have raised some concerns that your actions are denying him access to his child. You son’s partner has also said this and would like him to come back.

You view is that with support your son and his partner will be able to care for their child. You are worried that this is not the maternal grandparents view and that they are trying to take over the care of your grandchild because they think the parents cannot. You are seeking advice about whether children’s services may be able to offers some support.
You do not think formal mediation will work and you want to avoid court applications if you can.

You say that you do not think formal mediation will work. However, I think it would be worth an attempt. Sometimes when this is set up by a professional, people are more willing to attend. I have added HERE a link to the Family Mediation Council. They have a facility to find a mediator in your area. Please do check out their website.

From the information provided I would suggest the parents have a specialist parenting assessment to assess their strengths and limitations in respect of caring for their child. This will identify what support they need now and as the child grows and develops. It will also give the family the opportunity to think about what realistic support they are able to provide to an ever-developing child and their parents. You or your son can make a referral to children’s services. If you feel it would raise already strained relationships this can be done anonymously to children’s services or the NSPCC.

I have added link HERE to details and information regarding Family Group Conference. A family group conference is a family-led decision-making meeting. A child’s wider family and support network come together to develop a plan to support a child and keep them safe. This network may include grandparents, aunts and uncles and sometimes close family friends. The meeting is supported and facilitated by a trained and skilled independent coordinator. They help the family prepare for the meeting and attend to support.

I have added HERE guidance we have created when working with social workers. How to work with them and what you may wish to consider if things are not going so well.

I hope you find this information helpful. If you would like to talk to an adviser at Family Rights Group about your situation, please call the freephone advice line on 0808 801 0366, Mon to Fri, 9.30 am to 3.00 pm. If you prefer, you can post back, use our advice enquiry form or webchat. Please refer to our website for further information.

Best wishes, Suzie