3 children in care

[Mona-Lisa]

Hi, my name is XXXXX and I’m new here. Well to be honest I have registered some years ago but never had the strength to disclose my family situation here. I also have 3 children taken away to the care system. It’s heartbreaking in so many levels to compartmentalise everything that has happened and how it has happened. My health also has become worse especially my mental health, I try to keep strong but there’s so much a human being can take until all the hope is gone. I have been treated as criminal without any offence, I have been taken the right to privacy and family life, as it states on the article 8 of ECHR. This could have been overridden if in fact my children were in some sort of danger but I always cared and tried my best to protect my children, even with difficult marriage where I was not supported by my children’s father. I have a history of domestic abuse perpetrated by my husband at the time, however I have fought to keep my family but I was coerced into divorce to avoid having my baby adopted but this did not make any difference. I changed my circumstances and left my husband’s flat and been living separately and alone for years. I was not given a chance to have my children returned to my care. In fact, they continue separated in different care placement, my youngest 7 been adopted when was 2-3 years old, my middle child been in foster care since 5 years old because the adoption placement was broken down and my eldest son has been in children home since 14 to 19 years old, he has now transitioned to shared home scheme as an vulnerable adult where he’s living with elderly carers because he is autistic. I have seen only the two older children sporadically in supervised contact centres, because the court decided I could only see my (middle daughter who’s 11 now) 3 times a year. My baby was adopted without parents consent, without a chance of letter box until after many attempts to request in 5 years since the adoption order. My children were very attached to me as they were very well nurtured since birth and this process was a nightmare for them, having to endure bullying at school because of this and the separation of siblings was all very traumatic. I tried so much to fight in court as litigated in person or represented, either way my case has always been dismissed, ignored or rejected. My children never been in such danger or significant harm that can justify this cruelty in the system, where families are being separated by superficial reasons such as “likely to suffer significant harm” where children never been exposed to neglect. Not minimising that emotional distress may have played part into emotional abuse due to D.V but this was not intentional and I have cooperated with social services only to feel that I gave my children away to the system, because I felt guilty and ashamed of my marriage dysfunction. For this I have lost all my rights and therefore faith in the legal system.

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear Mona Lisa,

Thank you for your post and welcome to the parents’ forum.

I am sorry to read that you have had such painful experiences; that you are living apart from your children and that your physical and mental health have deteriorated.

You may be aware that you can ask your GP to refer you for counselling or mental health support. I am also sending you a link to British Association of Counsellors and Psychotherapists’ directory of practitioners here.

I want to draw your attention to some organisations that offer targeted support to mothers living apart from their children.

Family Rights Group have developed a birth parents’ map that can help you find relevant support in your local area. You can link to the birth parents’ map here.

Pause is an organisation that offers 1 to 1 support to mothers who have had children removed from their care. They are a national charity but only have projects in specific areas. You can link to their list of practice areas here and website is here.

Even if there is not a Pause practice in your area - the podcasts, short films and written resources on their website may be helpful to you. Many in your situation report feelings of unwarranted guilt and shame. This state of mind can restrict enjoyment of life and affect health negatively. Some people living apart from their children find that reading and viewing others’ experiences helps them feel less alone and become less harsh and critical of themselves.

Match Mothers are a peer support organisation that bring mothers living apart from their children together. You can link to their website here.

Pac-UK exists to support anyone affected by issues of adoption and permanence. They have many ways of supporting birth parents both emotionally and practically. You could discuss your experience of letterbox contact with them. You mention that you have made many attempts to secure letterbox. I wasn’t clear from your post what your current letterbox arrangement is. I have listed Pac-UK’s services for birth parents and relatives below and you can link to the website here.

• National PAC-UK Advice Line
• First Family Service
• Face-to-Face & Telephone Counselling
• Support Groups
• 'The forgotten voices of birth families' short-film
• 'The missing piece' short-film

You acknowledge that your children experienced emotional harm as a result of the domestic abuse that occurred. I can imagine that this is very painful for you to think about. Most adults who experience domestic abuse in a past relationship are affected by post-traumatic distress even years later. There are domestic abuse recovery services available to you. You can find out more about these here.

As I read through your post I wondered if your children have had any support in keeping a connection/being aware of their siblings. As your children are such different ages, at different developmental stages and each in a different living arrangements- their continuing awareness of each other and individual identity as one of a group of three birth siblings may not have fully explored. You could enquire if any life story work has taken place or is planned. As your middle daughter is a looked after child in foster care, she will have regular looked after child reviews and you can ask her social worker and the independent reviewing officer if her knowledge and curiosity about her siblings could be addressed in her care plan.
I hope that this response helps.

You can post here again if you wish, and bear in mind that you can speak with an experienced adviser on the telephone advice line on 0808 801 0366 (Mon-Friday 9.30am-3pm)

Best wishes,
Suzie