Please help me.

[Donotuseaname]

Hello. I’m very much in need of help. I’m scared of what will happen if I keep my unborn child.

My ex partner/childs dad has suffered with alcohol abuse for a very long time, I was obviously unaware at the time we met and had a child in 2018, moving forward to the arrival of our first child, I also had a child from previous relationship. In 2019 a made a report to the police after he grabbed me by my throat. At the time I had a baby under one and a two year old. The social worker at the time was the absolute worst told us to leave the family home as it was in his name and not to go back or I’d lose my children with absolutely zero support while we slept on family sofas for the best part of 3 months. Since we built a beautiful life, with my son visiting his dad every other weekend. With a healthy co parent situation.

Fast forward to 2023, 4 years since the relationship ended my ex partner/childs dad lost his other parent, this had a big effect on his substance abuse. He had some allegations of DV in his relationship at the time, unfortunately he met another addict and they both were really bad together this lead to the social services requiring supervision contact with our child we share, I had already stopped contact at this point anyway. I knew things were bad.

Child’s dad come to me in April of this year wanting help to stop the drink so he could be a dad again, so I tried to help got him a job and put a stop to the drinking things were going well until a night in June when unfortunately he attacked me at my home under the influence ( children not present ) and I’ve ran from my home and the police have seen me. He’s due to go to trail in crown court soon for 2 offences - strangulation and assault this is a victimless prosecution. With bail conditions that he isn’t aloud near me or my home.

Social services felt there wasn’t a need to be involved as I wasn’t in a romantic relationship with his dad and that I required a 12 week probation period with fort Alice.

Now I have stopped all contact in the time since and he’s been trying to get his life back on track so his family says, but a night in august end I’ve been out drinking and bumped into dad we’ve got to talking and one things lead to another and I’ve spent the night with him. Now I’m 9 weeks pregnant.

Now you have the complete back story I’m absolutely petrified of keeping this child and social services removing all of my children due to a one night stand with him. But I also know that my mental health wouldn’t be able to deal with a termination either. So my biggest concern is if I keep this baby will I lose all 3 of my children if they learn he’s my unborn babies father. I’m massively at fault for my actions and it’s a stupid mistake of my own but I don’t deserve my children to be taken surly. Please help me, I’ve considered going to SS and telling them about the one night stand and what the situation now is with the pregnancy and them taking my 2 children that are in a very happy home just because I can’t be strong enough to have a termination.
Thank you for taking the time to read this I’m completely broken and I just need some advice.

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear Donotuseaname

Welcome to the parents’ discussion board. Thank you for your post. My name is Suzie. I am Family Rights Group’s online adviser.

I am sorry to hear that you are in a difficult situation and are very worried. I can see that you are in a dilemma, that you want to do what is best for all your children but are frightened about how to proceed.

You are pregnant with your third child. You are worried because of the circumstances which led to your pregnancy and the possible repercussions for the baby and your two other children. However, you think that you will continue with the pregnancy as you would not be able to have a termination. I am not able to advise you about continuing with your pregnancy or not as that is a decision that only you can make. I am only able to advise you about children’s services involvement. But I hope that you can access support and advice to help you. There are pregnancy advisory services you can talk to and get advice from as well as your GP and NHS website information.

You explain how children’s services were involved in the past and quite recently. The unborn baby’s father is your ex-partner. He is the father of your second child too. He has long-standing alcohol misuse issues and is a perpetrator of domestic abuse. He has assaulted you on at least a couple of occasions and is also alleged to have been domestically violent to another partner. He is currently on bail in relation to 2 charges of strangulation and assault. You explain that this is a victimless prosecution and will be heard in the crown court soon.

You stopped all contact following the incident in June when your ex-partner assaulted you. His bail conditions prohibit him from contacting you or coming to your home. Children’s services did not remain involved after that as they concluded that you were not in a relationship with him and recommended a domestic abuse programme.

You describe the circumstances which led to you becoming pregnant; you explain that it was a one-night stand. You are now 9 weeks pregnant and very scared that this will lead to children’s services involvement again and potentially remove all three of your children. You regret what happened and want to do the right thing. It is positive that you are seeking advice and thinking through your options.

It is important to highlight that your ex-partner has broken his bail conditions which is a serious matter for him. It can have criminal consequences.

In your situation, children’s services may be concerned that you could be at risk of harm or vulnerable to your ex-partner which potentially puts your children at risk too. As you know, domestic abuse is taken very seriously due to the harm it causes to children. You are aware of this and have considered contacting children’s service directly to inform them that you are pregnant with your ex-partner’s child and to work openly with them. This is a very good idea. It shows that you are being transparent and can work with professionals. It is better to self-refer. The midwife at your booking appointment would refer anyway if aware of the situation. And your ex-partner could report this too, so it is best if you are able to do so first.

We have lots of advice and information about pre-birth assessments which I would encourage you to read here and information about child in need assessments or child protection enquiries . There are different possible outcomes to these assessments as it depends on the specific circumstances and risks identified. I cannot predict what will happen. However, you have cared safely for your two children, kept them in your care and worked with children’s services in the past. So, by being open, honest, and engaging early, this will influence their assessment. Your ex-partner’s behaviour is a serious concern, and they will want to make sure that you and the children are safe.

I hope this is helpful. Please note that our advice relates to children’s services in England; if your family lives in another country you may be able find advice and information to assist your by scrolling down this page.

I hope this is helpful to you.

Best wishes

Suzie