Hello, please be kind, I'm really struggling.
My children are under a CIN plan. My ex partner (children's dad) goes through fazes where he sends a huge amount of nasty texts telling me how awful I am, how the Social worker & everybody at school are on 'his side', how I cannot handle my children, I'm horrible which is why I have no friends, the children don't like being with me, calling me thick. Etc.
After one kf these times recently, I couldn't handle it & told the Social worker that the children should stay with their dad & pretend that I never existed. I've struggled with depression previously & believe everything that he say(s) about me is true.
The social worker gave me a lot of support, I sent her screenshots of the messages & eventually I agreed that I'd see the children. She told me that she cannot decide who the children live with/contact hours, & that myself & my ex have to do this. She said that she spoke to my ex about the 'alleged' abusive messages.
He has been trying to change contact around (it was every other weekend & Wednesday evening with him) so he wants 'my' hours. Again, the social worker refused to get involved. She set up a group WhatsApp which my ex mainly used to send huge long messages about how awful I am. She didn't tell him to stop this.
When my children are with me, they tell me they want to stay with me. When they are with dad, they tell him they want to stay there. The social worker acknowledges this previously.
Today, after my ex had spent yesterday & this morning sending angry messages on there, instead of answering my messages of 'Can we sort out contact?' She comes on & says that we need to switch so that dad has 'my' days. I tell the social worker that I don't agree to this & she ignores me. She says that it is my children's wishes (I assume she has seen them today) I tell her it may be there wishes today but those will change the next time they are with me (ignored) & that she told me that she cannot decide on contact (ignored) & that I am their mum & I do not agree to this (ignored)
Is there anything that I can do about this situation?
Social worker, abuse & contact.
-
Suzie, FRG Adviser
- Posts: 4722
- Joined: Mon Jul 04, 2011 1:57 pm
Re: Social worker, abuse & contact.
Dear GreySpottedPony,
I am very sorry to hear that you have been receiving abusive texts and putdowns from your children’s father. It is understandable that this has influenced your self-esteem.
You mention that you have experienced depression in the past and at one point you became overwhelmed by the messages and lost confidence to the extent that you told the social worker that the child should remain with their father, and you withdrew from the situation. You explain that the social worker felt this was not in the children’s best interests, they needed to see their mother, and she worked with you towards restoring the arrangements.
You could seek help from a domestic abuse support organisation about your ex’s ongoing emotional abuse of you. Contact details for Refuge’s national domestic abuse helpline are here. You can read about the role of independent domestic abuse advisers (IDVA) IDVA here. DVACT have a page on post-separation abuse here. Family Rights Group have a web page on domestic violence here.
The web page for mothers may also be a useful read for you here.
You explain that the children are on a child in need plan. You can read detailed information about the child in need framework here. A discussion of what should be in a child in need plan is here. If your children are aware of the hostility and nasty messages from your ex it may well be causing them emotional distress and this is an aspect the social worker should consider in the child in need plan. It sounds like you are doing everything in your powers to stop the children feeling in the middle but the situation must be difficult for them.
Arrangements on contact and residence for the children cannot be the decision of the social worker, but I do see that it is difficult for you to negotiate these when your ex is behaving in an emotionally abusive way towards you. I will write more about private family law ways to establish arrangements where parents are in dispute later in this reply.
You write that the social worker set up a WhatsApp group so that the arrangements for the children can be posted and negotiated. I do understand that it is upsetting for you to see that the social worker has seen the abusive posts on this platform. In the past the social worker has asked your ex to refrain from this behaviour but he has continued regardless.
Seeing the comments does not mean that the social worker agrees with them. However, I think that you and she need to have a conversation about whether a 3-way WhatsApp is still a good idea given that your ex continues to use this platform in a demeaning way and her witnessing of this causes you further acute distress.
It sounds like there have been points when you and the social worker have established a good working relationship and worked through difficult situations, and I am hoping that you can do this again when you have managed this setback in your work together. Family Rights Group have a guide to working with social workers which it may be helpful for you to read through here.
You do not say whether there is a child arrangements order in place that lays down the details of the shared care arrangement or whether you and your ex have informally agreed.
You can read more about child arrangements orders in the context of parental disputes on the Child Law Advice website here.
If there is evidence of domestic abuse you may be eligible for legal aid to cover the cost of a solicitor to represent you in court. You can read more about this here.
Your mental health and wellbeing have been undermined and it is important that you seek emotional support for yourself. You could ask your GP to refer you for counselling help or ask the social worker to refer you. British Association of Counsellors and Psychotherapists have a database here, but there is a charge for these services in general, though reduced rates may be available depending on your circumstances.
I hope this information was useful to you.
There are many different ways to contact Family Rights Group if you seek further advice in the future:
• A free telephone advice line open Monday to Friday between 9.30am and 3pm (excluding Bank Holidays) on 0808 801 0366
• Easy-to-follow online information. Features include an A-Z, FAQs, films, ‘top tips’ and legal advice sheets;
• Online forums where families can receive advice, discuss issues, and find support;
• A webchat service where you can message an adviser online, who will help you find information and advice to support you.
Best wishes,
Suzie
I am very sorry to hear that you have been receiving abusive texts and putdowns from your children’s father. It is understandable that this has influenced your self-esteem.
You mention that you have experienced depression in the past and at one point you became overwhelmed by the messages and lost confidence to the extent that you told the social worker that the child should remain with their father, and you withdrew from the situation. You explain that the social worker felt this was not in the children’s best interests, they needed to see their mother, and she worked with you towards restoring the arrangements.
You could seek help from a domestic abuse support organisation about your ex’s ongoing emotional abuse of you. Contact details for Refuge’s national domestic abuse helpline are here. You can read about the role of independent domestic abuse advisers (IDVA) IDVA here. DVACT have a page on post-separation abuse here. Family Rights Group have a web page on domestic violence here.
The web page for mothers may also be a useful read for you here.
You explain that the children are on a child in need plan. You can read detailed information about the child in need framework here. A discussion of what should be in a child in need plan is here. If your children are aware of the hostility and nasty messages from your ex it may well be causing them emotional distress and this is an aspect the social worker should consider in the child in need plan. It sounds like you are doing everything in your powers to stop the children feeling in the middle but the situation must be difficult for them.
Arrangements on contact and residence for the children cannot be the decision of the social worker, but I do see that it is difficult for you to negotiate these when your ex is behaving in an emotionally abusive way towards you. I will write more about private family law ways to establish arrangements where parents are in dispute later in this reply.
You write that the social worker set up a WhatsApp group so that the arrangements for the children can be posted and negotiated. I do understand that it is upsetting for you to see that the social worker has seen the abusive posts on this platform. In the past the social worker has asked your ex to refrain from this behaviour but he has continued regardless.
Seeing the comments does not mean that the social worker agrees with them. However, I think that you and she need to have a conversation about whether a 3-way WhatsApp is still a good idea given that your ex continues to use this platform in a demeaning way and her witnessing of this causes you further acute distress.
It sounds like there have been points when you and the social worker have established a good working relationship and worked through difficult situations, and I am hoping that you can do this again when you have managed this setback in your work together. Family Rights Group have a guide to working with social workers which it may be helpful for you to read through here.
You do not say whether there is a child arrangements order in place that lays down the details of the shared care arrangement or whether you and your ex have informally agreed.
You can read more about child arrangements orders in the context of parental disputes on the Child Law Advice website here.
If there is evidence of domestic abuse you may be eligible for legal aid to cover the cost of a solicitor to represent you in court. You can read more about this here.
Your mental health and wellbeing have been undermined and it is important that you seek emotional support for yourself. You could ask your GP to refer you for counselling help or ask the social worker to refer you. British Association of Counsellors and Psychotherapists have a database here, but there is a charge for these services in general, though reduced rates may be available depending on your circumstances.
I hope this information was useful to you.
There are many different ways to contact Family Rights Group if you seek further advice in the future:
• A free telephone advice line open Monday to Friday between 9.30am and 3pm (excluding Bank Holidays) on 0808 801 0366
• Easy-to-follow online information. Features include an A-Z, FAQs, films, ‘top tips’ and legal advice sheets;
• Online forums where families can receive advice, discuss issues, and find support;
• A webchat service where you can message an adviser online, who will help you find information and advice to support you.
Best wishes,
Suzie
Do you have 3 minutes to complete our evaluation form ? We would value your feedback on the parents’ forum.
Who is online
In total there is 1 user online :: 0 registered, 0 hidden and 1 guest (based on users active over the past 5 minutes)
Most users ever online was 299 on Mon Apr 07, 2025 12:51 pm