Advice about whether to disclose historic assualt

[boopitybop]

Hi,

I've been going through the court/cafcass process with the aim of increasing my time with my 6 year old to 50/50 from 40/60. We are at the final stage now which is a contested hearing.

There is something I have not brought up with anyone involved in the case, or any professional before. It relates to the circumstances around my child’s conception and has been difficult for me to talk about. The mother and I have also not discussed this.

Since then she has continued a pattern of controlling behaviour, repeated boundary crossing, and just generally poor communication wherein she will make negative comments on my personal life and become emotionally manipulative.

I have kept this to myself because I did not want to cause harm or create more conflict, and because all I have to back it up are messages of me disclosing it to a friend and family about 4 years ago (2/3 years after it happened).

I thought I could just keep it to myself and move past it, but I'm struggling. I really don't know whether it's best to continue what I'm doing or to officially disclose it to someone. Would I be doing it for me and not for our child? Would it only have negative consequences for our child and my parenting relationship with the mother?

I would be extremely grateful for any advice.

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear boopitybop

Welcome to the parents’ discussion board. Thank you for your post. My name is Suzie. I am Family Rights Group’s online adviser.

I am sorry to hear about your difficult family situation. You explain that you are involved in child arrangements order proceedings in relation to your 6 year old child. You are hoping to increase the time you spend with your child to 50:50. You are approaching a contested hearing.

You are facing a dilemma about whether to share information with the court about an alleged historical assault around the time of your child’s conception. You describe a history of controlling behaviour from your ex-partner. You are struggling with the issue, don’t want to cause further harm or conflict but it is impacting on you.

I am sorry that you are going through this. However, I can only provide very limited advice and signposting. At Family Rights Group we provide advice and information when Children’s Services in England are involved or when you wish them to become involved in your family life.

From the information you have provided this is not the situation for you and your family.

Instead you are seeking advice in relation to a private law matter, which is when there are disputes between parents or carers about things like where a child lives and how much time they spend with each parent.

Unfortunately, private law matters do not meet the remit of our service, and we are not funded to provide advice in these types of situations.

As you are approaching a contested hearing, are unsure about sharing information and how this might affect your child, please seek legal advice about this.

I would suggest you contact your solicitor, if you have one.

If not, the following organisations, may be able to assist you:

• Child Law Advice. They do have a telephone helpline which you can reach on 0300 330 5480. In addition, they offer helpful information and guidance for parents/carers in your type of situation and have ‘how to’ guides that you can download for around £2 each. Please do check out their website.
• Both Parents Matter is a charity that helps parents (regardless of marital status or gender) navigate family separation and maintain contact with their children. It offers information, advice, support, and advocacy through a helpline, online forum, and branches across the UK.

I would also encourage you to access support and advice from a specialist domestic abuse charity in relation to the concerns you express about your ex-partner’s behaviour towards you now and in the past. You can have an open discussion about your experiences and discuss in more detail your options for addressing this with a specialist adviser.

You may find the organisations below helpful:

Mankind: freephone 0808 800 1170
Men's Advice Line : freephone 0808 801 0327
Supportline: 01708 765 200.

I hope this helps.

If you do have a question about your family’s involvement with children’s services, please do contact us again. You can repost on this forum or send us an advice enquiry form detailing your current involvement with children’s services and your specific question

Our Advice Service also offers:  

Easy to follow online information. Features include an A-Z, FAQs, films, ‘top tips’ and legal advice sheets; 

A  webchat service where you can message an adviser online, who will help you find information and advice to support you. 

A free telephone advice line open Monday to Friday between 9.30am and 3pm (excluding Bank Holidays) on 0808 801 0366.

I hope this is helpful

Suzie