Hi
I call the police 31st July regarding domestic violence happened for nearly 8 months. And me and my kids placed in an emergency accommodation and now we moved to our own place.
My husband was in custody and bailed with conditions that he can’t have any contact with me. Social services told me that if he need to see the kids he need to go to court and ask for supervised visit.
I told the police that I want to live with him again. My kids are 5 and 3 and they are asking about their dad all the time. I am worried about their mentality as well. They witness that my husband beat me once and police and social services aware of this. My husband was a good father and he loves the kids a lot. Social worker told me that they need to do a risk assessment before everything. I am worried about my kids. Currently they are with me.
How can I tell social services that I am okay to get back with him and continue as a family. Social services didn’t tell me about the next steps.
Can anyone please guide me
Thank you.
Social worker said need a risk assessment
Re: Social worker said need a risk assessment
You could be seen as putting your relationship before your children.
Children that witness domestic violence are by extensions victims of abuse and you wanting to return to the perpetrator shows you do not take that seriously.
Children that witness domestic violence are by extensions victims of abuse and you wanting to return to the perpetrator shows you do not take that seriously.
Re: Social worker said need a risk assessment
Hi Happybunny,
I've just read your post, and my heart goes out to you. It is a completely natural and loving instinct to want your family to be together, especially when you see your children missing their dad. It's an incredibly painful and confusing situation to be in, and you've already been through so much.
The other poster, Spinnnn, has given you a very direct and honest warning about how social services will see this. It might feel harsh, but it is the truth of their perspective, and understanding it is the first step to taking back control of your situation.
From their point of view, the fact that your children witnessed violence means that they are also victims. Their biggest fear will be that by wanting to get back with your husband, you are not prioritising your children's safety from that risk.
But this does not mean your family is doomed. It simply means you cannot just "tell" them you want to get back together. You have to prove to them, with overwhelming evidence, that the risk is gone and will never return. You have to be strategic.
Here is a proactive plan to give you the best possible chance of safely reuniting your family.
Your Reconciliation Action Plan
You need to shift from being the subject of their risk assessment to being the authors of your own safety plan.
Step 1: Your Husband Must Lead the Change (This is Non-Negotiable)
Social services will see him as the source of the risk. Therefore, he is the one who has to do the most work to prove he has changed.
He needs to immediately and proactively contact an organisation like Respect. They run accredited Domestic Abuse Perpetrator Programmes (DAPPs).
Just making that phone call and self-referring is the single most powerful piece of evidence he can create. It says, "I know what I did was wrong, I am taking full responsibility, and I am actively working to ensure I am a safe partner and father."
Step 2: Your Own Support and Insight
Social services will want to see that you understand the impact of domestic abuse on your children and that you have a plan to protect them.
You should contact a support service like Women's Aid. You can tell them you are not looking to leave, but that you need to understand how to create a safe future for your children. This shows them you are child-focused and are developing your own protective strategies.
Step 3: Create Your "Future Safety Plan" Together
Once you have both engaged with support, you need to create a detailed, written plan together. This is the document you will eventually give to the social worker. It should include:
Insight: A joint statement acknowledging that what happened was unacceptable and harmful to the children.
Triggers: An honest list of what causes arguments to escalate (e.g., alcohol, financial stress).
De-escalation Rules: A clear set of rules you will both live by. For example: "If an argument begins, the person who is most upset will leave the room for 30 minutes. We will not discuss sensitive topics after 9 pm or after drinking alcohol."
Proof of Change: Include confirmation that your husband is on the waiting list for, or has started, a perpetrator programme.
Step 4: Presenting to the Social Worker
Once you have done this work, you can go to the social worker with a united and powerful message:
"We know what happened was wrong and that it put our children at risk. We have taken this incredibly seriously. [Husband's Name] has self-referred to the Respect programme to address his behaviour, and I have engaged with Women's Aid to build my own safety awareness. We have created this detailed safety plan to show you the rules we will live by to ensure this never happens again. We are now ready for your risk assessment."
By doing this, you are no longer just asking for permission. You are demonstrating with concrete actions that you are responsible, insightful, and protective parents who have already solved the problem. This is the only path that gives you a real chance of bringing your family safely back together.
I've just read your post, and my heart goes out to you. It is a completely natural and loving instinct to want your family to be together, especially when you see your children missing their dad. It's an incredibly painful and confusing situation to be in, and you've already been through so much.
The other poster, Spinnnn, has given you a very direct and honest warning about how social services will see this. It might feel harsh, but it is the truth of their perspective, and understanding it is the first step to taking back control of your situation.
From their point of view, the fact that your children witnessed violence means that they are also victims. Their biggest fear will be that by wanting to get back with your husband, you are not prioritising your children's safety from that risk.
But this does not mean your family is doomed. It simply means you cannot just "tell" them you want to get back together. You have to prove to them, with overwhelming evidence, that the risk is gone and will never return. You have to be strategic.
Here is a proactive plan to give you the best possible chance of safely reuniting your family.
Your Reconciliation Action Plan
You need to shift from being the subject of their risk assessment to being the authors of your own safety plan.
Step 1: Your Husband Must Lead the Change (This is Non-Negotiable)
Social services will see him as the source of the risk. Therefore, he is the one who has to do the most work to prove he has changed.
He needs to immediately and proactively contact an organisation like Respect. They run accredited Domestic Abuse Perpetrator Programmes (DAPPs).
Just making that phone call and self-referring is the single most powerful piece of evidence he can create. It says, "I know what I did was wrong, I am taking full responsibility, and I am actively working to ensure I am a safe partner and father."
Step 2: Your Own Support and Insight
Social services will want to see that you understand the impact of domestic abuse on your children and that you have a plan to protect them.
You should contact a support service like Women's Aid. You can tell them you are not looking to leave, but that you need to understand how to create a safe future for your children. This shows them you are child-focused and are developing your own protective strategies.
Step 3: Create Your "Future Safety Plan" Together
Once you have both engaged with support, you need to create a detailed, written plan together. This is the document you will eventually give to the social worker. It should include:
Insight: A joint statement acknowledging that what happened was unacceptable and harmful to the children.
Triggers: An honest list of what causes arguments to escalate (e.g., alcohol, financial stress).
De-escalation Rules: A clear set of rules you will both live by. For example: "If an argument begins, the person who is most upset will leave the room for 30 minutes. We will not discuss sensitive topics after 9 pm or after drinking alcohol."
Proof of Change: Include confirmation that your husband is on the waiting list for, or has started, a perpetrator programme.
Step 4: Presenting to the Social Worker
Once you have done this work, you can go to the social worker with a united and powerful message:
"We know what happened was wrong and that it put our children at risk. We have taken this incredibly seriously. [Husband's Name] has self-referred to the Respect programme to address his behaviour, and I have engaged with Women's Aid to build my own safety awareness. We have created this detailed safety plan to show you the rules we will live by to ensure this never happens again. We are now ready for your risk assessment."
By doing this, you are no longer just asking for permission. You are demonstrating with concrete actions that you are responsible, insightful, and protective parents who have already solved the problem. This is the only path that gives you a real chance of bringing your family safely back together.
-
Confusedmam
- Posts: 3
- Joined: Sat Feb 22, 2025 12:36 pm
Re: Social worker said need a risk assessment
Winter25 are you really encouraging OP to go back to an abusive relationship where her husband 'beat her' in front of their small children.
I've seen quite a few of your replies and you seem hellbent on people fighting social services no matter what the situation is.
OP you should not get back with your husband, he is abusive and he beat you in front of your children. Children witnessing domestic violence and abuse can cause very long standing and serious mental health issues far into adulthood, there is also the risk that by extension he may in the future become physically abusive to them. You're worth more than this, and as a single mom of 4 children, one of whom is disabled, with no support system at all and working full time, I can tell you that you CAN do this alone, and your children will be safe and you'll be giving them far better protection for their mental health by staying away from a man who would beat you Infront of them.
If your daughter came to you in 20 years and said 'mam my husband beat me in front of my children' what would you want for her? What would you tell her to do?
I've seen quite a few of your replies and you seem hellbent on people fighting social services no matter what the situation is.
OP you should not get back with your husband, he is abusive and he beat you in front of your children. Children witnessing domestic violence and abuse can cause very long standing and serious mental health issues far into adulthood, there is also the risk that by extension he may in the future become physically abusive to them. You're worth more than this, and as a single mom of 4 children, one of whom is disabled, with no support system at all and working full time, I can tell you that you CAN do this alone, and your children will be safe and you'll be giving them far better protection for their mental health by staying away from a man who would beat you Infront of them.
If your daughter came to you in 20 years and said 'mam my husband beat me in front of my children' what would you want for her? What would you tell her to do?
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Suzie, FRG Adviser
- Posts: 4782
- Joined: Mon Jul 04, 2011 1:57 pm
Re: Social worker said need a risk assessment
Dear HappyBunny,
Thank you for your post and welcome to the Parents’ Forum. I am Suzie, an online adviser replying to you today.
I am really sorry to hear about your experience of domestic violence. You explain that you and your children were placed in emergency accommodation for safety and that you now live separately from your husband with the children in your own independent accommodation. Your husband was held in police custody after the attack and currently has bail conditions that prevent him having any contact with you due to the risk.
Children’s services are involved due to concerns about your children being harmed by witnessing the violence, and risk of future domestic violence taking place.
It’s important not to underestimate the effect on the children of witnessing the attack on you, even, as you say, they have only seen this once. Children who live in a household where someone else is harmed suffer emotional harm themselves from witnessing abuse and also of living in fear that everyday conflict could tip into an episode of violence.
Children’s services have a legal duty to protect children from significant harm. You can read more about what is meant by the term significant harm here and child protection procedures here.
The Family Rights Group web pages on domestic abuse provides information that will be useful to you in thinking through your next steps here.
There is a domestic abuse advice page on how children’s services should work with mothers affected by domestic violence here. The Freedom Programme offers courses that can help you reflect on how the domestic violence began and continued and how you can protect yourself and the children now and in the future. You can read about the Freedom Programme here.
A list of other organisations that can advise and support around domestic violence and support is here.
Children’s services have told you that they would need to carry out a risk assessment on the safety issues raised by your husband living with the family again - if or when his bail conditions change / and if you were to agree to this prospect. You are thinking ahead to the future, which is understandable, but you must start from where you are now. From your description this was a very serious recent attack on you, witnessed by your children. It meant that you had to leave your home and all that is familiar and comforting to you and the children just to be safe.
In assessing the risk from your husband returning to the family in the future, children’s services would want to know if your he has a beginning insight into his behaviour; of why he loses control of his actions at times; the impact on you and his children, and whether he is willing to work with a support service and do everything possible to ensure that the violence is not repeated and everyday disputes can be handled safely.
Children’s services have assessed you as able to protect the children from the harm of witnessing further domestic violence and feel that they can work with you collaboratively and that you are listening to them about your concerns. This is a very wise approach. You may find the guide to working with social workers helps you plan for meetings and other communications. You can link to it here.
If you have not done so already, I would advise you to seek help and advice from an independent domestic violence advocate to help ensure you and the children’s continuing safety in the here and now - as it can be difficult to do this without the right support. Indeed sometimes risks increase when an abused partner leaves the relationship and you may need advice on legal protection available to you. You can read more details about IDVAs here.
I would suggest that it is up to your husband to find out more about how what support and training is available to him to begin the work towards changes. The social worker could help him find local resources if he asks. Even when people are highly motivated to change it is hard going and takes time. As a first step your husband could contact Respect to enquire about their programme for perpetrators. Their website is here.
I am not suggesting that you pass this information on to your husband. His bail conditions mean that he is not to contact you, and starting this conversation could place you at more risk. I just want to make you aware of the options available to your husband. It’s not all on your shoulders.
Family Rights Group also have a page on how children’s services work on domestic violence and abuse with fathers here. The social worker could discuss the help available locally with your husband. It is not your responsibility.
You have been placed in such a difficult position and I am glad you are reaching out for support.
Further ways to contact Family Rights Group are listed below.
• A free telephone advice line open Monday to Friday between 9.30am and 3pm (excluding Bank Holidays) on 0808 801 0366
• Easy-to-follow online information. Features include an A-Z, FAQs, films, ‘top tips’ and legal advice sheets;
• A webchat service where you can message an adviser online, who will help you find information and advice to support you.
• Submitting an email enquiry via the here to receive a response within 5 working days.
Best wishes,
Suzie
Thank you for your post and welcome to the Parents’ Forum. I am Suzie, an online adviser replying to you today.
I am really sorry to hear about your experience of domestic violence. You explain that you and your children were placed in emergency accommodation for safety and that you now live separately from your husband with the children in your own independent accommodation. Your husband was held in police custody after the attack and currently has bail conditions that prevent him having any contact with you due to the risk.
Children’s services are involved due to concerns about your children being harmed by witnessing the violence, and risk of future domestic violence taking place.
It’s important not to underestimate the effect on the children of witnessing the attack on you, even, as you say, they have only seen this once. Children who live in a household where someone else is harmed suffer emotional harm themselves from witnessing abuse and also of living in fear that everyday conflict could tip into an episode of violence.
Children’s services have a legal duty to protect children from significant harm. You can read more about what is meant by the term significant harm here and child protection procedures here.
The Family Rights Group web pages on domestic abuse provides information that will be useful to you in thinking through your next steps here.
There is a domestic abuse advice page on how children’s services should work with mothers affected by domestic violence here. The Freedom Programme offers courses that can help you reflect on how the domestic violence began and continued and how you can protect yourself and the children now and in the future. You can read about the Freedom Programme here.
A list of other organisations that can advise and support around domestic violence and support is here.
Children’s services have told you that they would need to carry out a risk assessment on the safety issues raised by your husband living with the family again - if or when his bail conditions change / and if you were to agree to this prospect. You are thinking ahead to the future, which is understandable, but you must start from where you are now. From your description this was a very serious recent attack on you, witnessed by your children. It meant that you had to leave your home and all that is familiar and comforting to you and the children just to be safe.
In assessing the risk from your husband returning to the family in the future, children’s services would want to know if your he has a beginning insight into his behaviour; of why he loses control of his actions at times; the impact on you and his children, and whether he is willing to work with a support service and do everything possible to ensure that the violence is not repeated and everyday disputes can be handled safely.
Children’s services have assessed you as able to protect the children from the harm of witnessing further domestic violence and feel that they can work with you collaboratively and that you are listening to them about your concerns. This is a very wise approach. You may find the guide to working with social workers helps you plan for meetings and other communications. You can link to it here.
If you have not done so already, I would advise you to seek help and advice from an independent domestic violence advocate to help ensure you and the children’s continuing safety in the here and now - as it can be difficult to do this without the right support. Indeed sometimes risks increase when an abused partner leaves the relationship and you may need advice on legal protection available to you. You can read more details about IDVAs here.
I would suggest that it is up to your husband to find out more about how what support and training is available to him to begin the work towards changes. The social worker could help him find local resources if he asks. Even when people are highly motivated to change it is hard going and takes time. As a first step your husband could contact Respect to enquire about their programme for perpetrators. Their website is here.
I am not suggesting that you pass this information on to your husband. His bail conditions mean that he is not to contact you, and starting this conversation could place you at more risk. I just want to make you aware of the options available to your husband. It’s not all on your shoulders.
Family Rights Group also have a page on how children’s services work on domestic violence and abuse with fathers here. The social worker could discuss the help available locally with your husband. It is not your responsibility.
You have been placed in such a difficult position and I am glad you are reaching out for support.
Further ways to contact Family Rights Group are listed below.
• A free telephone advice line open Monday to Friday between 9.30am and 3pm (excluding Bank Holidays) on 0808 801 0366
• Easy-to-follow online information. Features include an A-Z, FAQs, films, ‘top tips’ and legal advice sheets;
• A webchat service where you can message an adviser online, who will help you find information and advice to support you.
• Submitting an email enquiry via the here to receive a response within 5 working days.
Best wishes,
Suzie
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edenarcadia91
- Posts: 3
- Joined: Thu Aug 28, 2025 3:51 am
Re: Social worker said need a risk assessment
Social Services may say that you are unable to safely safeguard your children because of the increased risk of recurring domestic abuse. I was once in this position myself and, at the time, I felt trapped I was coerced into believing that if I left my ex-partner, he would take my children and I would never see them again. Social Services held me responsible for the harm caused to my children, which was incredibly difficult to hear.
That experience taught me to step back and re-evaluate. As much as you love your partner, the priority has to be safeguarding your children. If you and your partner do wish to reconcile, one way forward could be to show Social Services that you are willing to take their concerns seriously, for example, by offering to complete domestic abuse courses together or engaging in therapy. This demonstrates that you have acknowledged their feedback and are committed to creating a safe and stable family environment.
That experience taught me to step back and re-evaluate. As much as you love your partner, the priority has to be safeguarding your children. If you and your partner do wish to reconcile, one way forward could be to show Social Services that you are willing to take their concerns seriously, for example, by offering to complete domestic abuse courses together or engaging in therapy. This demonstrates that you have acknowledged their feedback and are committed to creating a safe and stable family environment.
Re: Social worker said need a risk assessment
Confusedmam wrote: Thu Aug 28, 2025 12:44 pm Winter25 are you really encouraging OP to go back to an abusive relationship where her husband 'beat her' in front of their small children.
I've seen quite a few of your replies and you seem hellbent on people fighting social services no matter what the situation is.
OP you should not get back with your husband, he is abusive and he beat you in front of your children. Children witnessing domestic violence and abuse can cause very long standing and serious mental health issues far into adulthood, there is also the risk that by extension he may in the future become physically abusive to them. You're worth more than this, and as a single mom of 4 children, one of whom is disabled, with no support system at all and working full time, I can tell you that you CAN do this alone, and your children will be safe and you'll be giving them far better protection for their mental health by staying away from a man who would beat you Infront of them.
If your daughter came to you in 20 years and said 'mam my husband beat me in front of my children' what would you want for her? What would you tell her to do?
Hi Confusedmam,
Thank you for your reply and for sharing your perspective with such passion. I want to start by saying I agree with you 100% on the most important point: domestic abuse is devastating, and the emotional harm it causes children is profound and long-lasting. No child should ever have to witness violence, and a parent's first duty is always to protect their child from harm. We are on the same page about that.
However With respect, I can see that your reply comes from a place of deep and painful personal experience, and your passion for protecting children is clear. Your advice is a reflection of the hard truths you have learned, and it is powerful. But it is also a truth based on your own story. My advice was not to encourage a return to abuse, but to offer a strategic and safe pathway for a parent who explicitly asked how reconciliation could be possible. If the OP sees everyone telling her what she should do in her relationship she will come of this forum getting no honest truths just emotion responses, thats not what the OP needs
It is a path built on the perpetrator taking full accountability for their actions, because people can and sometimes do change, but they must be made to prove it with evidence, not just hope., I think you have misunderstood the intention and the strategy behind the advice I gave to the original poster. The OP actually has stated and she specifically asked, "How can I tell social services that I am okay to get back with him...?"
My post was not an encouragement for her to return to an abusive relationship. It was an answer to her direct question: "If we both follow everything social tell us... would they let us get back together?"
She has a right to an honest answer. Its not for me or you to say what this person should do. My advice was a strategic roadmap outlining the only way a reconciliation could ever be safely achieved in the eyes of the law and social services. It is a plan based on accountability, not on hope.
If you re-read the plan, you will see that the entire burden is placed on the perpetrator to prove he has changed. The very first, non-negotiable step is for him to self-refer to a Domestic Abuse Perpetrator Programme. The plan requires both parents to show insight, create a robust safety plan, and prove with evidence that the risk has been eliminated. It is a path of hard work, not a simple "go back to him."
You also mentioned that I seem "hellbent on people fighting social services." MY GOAL IS NOT TO FIGHT FOR THE SAKE OF IT just so i am clear. Lets be clear, if the LA was to govern its social workers correctly and they all used the law correctly , then most of this forum would not be need. But they do not, many of them do as they please. I am all for the LA to do its job to the LAW and correctly . I am in support of that, but i do not support the ones that abuses, lie, manipulate, make up thins, and try to go around laws and procedures
My goal is to ensure that when parents are dealing with the immense power of the state, they are armed with a full understanding of the law, their rights, and a clear strategy. The system is not always right, fair, or just. Empowering parents to hold that system accountable is, in my view, a fundamental part of keeping children safe.
Ultimately, we must trust parents to make their own decisions. Our role here is to give them the best quality information and strategy possible so that whatever decision they make, it is from a position of strength and knowledge.
With respect
Winter25
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