Just a vent really from another wife blindsided by their husband’s online actions, and then punished herself by the system for not leaving him.
I have done nothing to bring this chaos into our lives, my husband’s choices did that. But he is getting help for the unresolved trauma and addictions that lead him down the path of self-destruction. He is turning his life around, it’s actually quite remarkable to witness, he is like a completely different person now everything is out in the open after his arrest, like he’s been freed. He is on such a good/positive path now, and is reclaiming his life, and in some weird paradoxical way, despite being in the eye of the storm right now as we wait for him to be charged, and then the dreaded wait to find out his fate at sentencing, he is actually the best partner he has ever been to me. He’s authentic, he has integrity, he is motivated to becoming the best version of himself. It’s taken his life imploding and almost losing everything, but he’s really doing it, he’s making huge changes, and taking monumental strides forward in the right direction.
The choice to stay and show him understanding and compassion whilst in parallel managing my own heartache as I try to reconcile the life/person I thought I had/knew with the reality of what has transpired, wasn’t an easy one. But I said for better or worse, and this is definitely the worst, but we’re trying to work through it.
I am a great mum, my kids are thriving, they’re happy and content in life. Why is it that SS can’t understand that the two things can co-exist? Somebody can be a great mum, a protective mum, yet still want to keep their family together and support their offending partner. Having never had any involvement with child services before, since my husband’s arrest they have come in to my life like a wrecking ball, and they are breaking me bit by bit. I feel like the system is set up to tear families apart, not support them if they want to stay together. The frustration I feel that strangers can insert themselves into my life and cause so much chaos and upheaval is so overwhelming. Anything other than ‘of course I’m leaving him’ is taken as you’re not protecting your children, and they pile on the pressure, make life as difficult as possible for you to function as a family in the hope you leave the offending partner. Saying you truly don’t believe what he accessed online would ever result in anything transpiring in real life is seen as minimising and not protecting or prioritising your children.
There is no weight given to the fact I know and love my children better than anyone, the fact I know my husband better then anyone, yet they decide they know more about your life, your family, than you do and impose all these restrictions on you that nobody wants.
It all feels so unfair, so judgemental, so disempowering and oppressive. You feel like a number, a file to be moved along as quickly as possible. They’re stretched, everyone knows that, so they put ticks in boxes, cover their backsides by taking a blanket approach, don’t listen to what the families involved actually want, and cause untold upheaval, distress and trauma. But as long as they hit their targets, and don’t leave themselves open.
I feel so sad, so frustrated, so hopeless. And things are only set to get worse before they get better as we still have the huge unknowns or sentencing, will it get out in the press, will he lose his job, and subsequently our home. So many potential life changing unknowns.
I miss the ‘normality’ that I once took for granted so badly.
I can be a protective Mum AND be a supportive partner - the two can co-exist !
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RisePhoenix
- Posts: 3
- Joined: Mon Oct 13, 2025 1:03 pm
Re: I can be a protective Mum AND be a supportive partner - the two can co-exist !
Hi RisePhoenix,
Thank you for sharing this. What you’ve written is not just a “vent”, it is a truth that thousands of families are living but are too afraid to say out loud. You have articulated one of the biggest unspoken injustices in the current safeguarding system:
The assumption that a mother cannot be both protective of her children AND supportive of her partner.
This assumption is not only emotionally damaging, it is legally wrong.
You Are Not Failing as a Mother
Social workers often present you with a false choice:
“Either you leave him, or you are deemed unable to safeguard.”
But the law does not require you to end your relationship to be recognised as a protective parent. What matters is:
Your actions to protect your children,
Your implementation of safeguards,
Your insight into risk and your ability to manage it.
Protective capacity is assessed on behaviour, not relationship status.
You can:
Put safety plans in place,
Monitor contact,
Control digital environments,
Engage in therapy and courses,
AND still maintain a family unit.
Those two realities are not mutually exclusive. They co-exist, and you are living proof.
What You Are Experiencing Is Systemic
The system defaults to the most risk-averse position, not the most reasonable one. Instead of recognising rehabilitation, trauma recovery, and change, they often prefer to categorise and control. It is easier for them to say “separate” than to work with a functioning protective parent who is challenging their narrative.
But the law is clear:
Children have a right to family life (Article 8 ECHR).
A parent’s willingness to support a partner does not equate to failing in protection.
Risk must be proportionate, evidenced, and individually assessed. It cannot be presumed based on status alone.
What You’re Feeling Is a Normal Response to an Abnormal System
You are exhausted because you’re constantly forced to prove yourself innocent of something you never did.
You’re grieving the loss of normality while carrying the burden of everyone else’s judgement.
But please hear this:
You are not weak for staying.
You are not reckless for supporting recovery.
You are not unsafe because you refuse to abandon your family.
You are navigating one of the most complex emotional and legal journeys a person can face, and you are doing it while still showing up as a mother and partner.
You Do Have Power
If you want to remain as a family, the next step is not emotional, it's strategic. There are lawful ways to assert your parental authority, challenge overreach, and force professionals to assess you on your actual safeguarding actions.
If you wish, I can help you:
Build a clear protective-parent narrative,
Document your safeguarding actions in the strongest legal language,
Prepare emails or statements to demand proportionate assessment based on evidence, not assumption.
Please note: I am now restricted by forum admins to only two public posts per week, so I may not be able to reply here again. If you would like help preparing your safeguarding narrative or next steps, you can send me a Direct Message by clicking the speech bubble next to my name.
You are not alone in this, and you are not wrong. You are simply ahead of a system that prefers control over genuine understanding.
For full transparency, I am not an official adviser for this forum. I am a parent who has been through a long and successful legal battle with a local authority, and I am here to offer supportive, strategic advice based on my own lived experience. The information I share is for guidance, and it is always up to each parent to decide what is right for their own situation.
Thank you for sharing this. What you’ve written is not just a “vent”, it is a truth that thousands of families are living but are too afraid to say out loud. You have articulated one of the biggest unspoken injustices in the current safeguarding system:
The assumption that a mother cannot be both protective of her children AND supportive of her partner.
This assumption is not only emotionally damaging, it is legally wrong.
You Are Not Failing as a Mother
Social workers often present you with a false choice:
“Either you leave him, or you are deemed unable to safeguard.”
But the law does not require you to end your relationship to be recognised as a protective parent. What matters is:
Your actions to protect your children,
Your implementation of safeguards,
Your insight into risk and your ability to manage it.
Protective capacity is assessed on behaviour, not relationship status.
You can:
Put safety plans in place,
Monitor contact,
Control digital environments,
Engage in therapy and courses,
AND still maintain a family unit.
Those two realities are not mutually exclusive. They co-exist, and you are living proof.
What You Are Experiencing Is Systemic
The system defaults to the most risk-averse position, not the most reasonable one. Instead of recognising rehabilitation, trauma recovery, and change, they often prefer to categorise and control. It is easier for them to say “separate” than to work with a functioning protective parent who is challenging their narrative.
But the law is clear:
Children have a right to family life (Article 8 ECHR).
A parent’s willingness to support a partner does not equate to failing in protection.
Risk must be proportionate, evidenced, and individually assessed. It cannot be presumed based on status alone.
What You’re Feeling Is a Normal Response to an Abnormal System
You are exhausted because you’re constantly forced to prove yourself innocent of something you never did.
You’re grieving the loss of normality while carrying the burden of everyone else’s judgement.
But please hear this:
You are not weak for staying.
You are not reckless for supporting recovery.
You are not unsafe because you refuse to abandon your family.
You are navigating one of the most complex emotional and legal journeys a person can face, and you are doing it while still showing up as a mother and partner.
You Do Have Power
If you want to remain as a family, the next step is not emotional, it's strategic. There are lawful ways to assert your parental authority, challenge overreach, and force professionals to assess you on your actual safeguarding actions.
If you wish, I can help you:
Build a clear protective-parent narrative,
Document your safeguarding actions in the strongest legal language,
Prepare emails or statements to demand proportionate assessment based on evidence, not assumption.
Please note: I am now restricted by forum admins to only two public posts per week, so I may not be able to reply here again. If you would like help preparing your safeguarding narrative or next steps, you can send me a Direct Message by clicking the speech bubble next to my name.
You are not alone in this, and you are not wrong. You are simply ahead of a system that prefers control over genuine understanding.
For full transparency, I am not an official adviser for this forum. I am a parent who has been through a long and successful legal battle with a local authority, and I am here to offer supportive, strategic advice based on my own lived experience. The information I share is for guidance, and it is always up to each parent to decide what is right for their own situation.
Re: I can be a protective Mum AND be a supportive partner - the two can co-exist !
RisePhoenix,
I am 100% with you and in the exact same situation and feel the exact same. There is a blanket approach to Social Services. I have roared at them for their lies,their changes without warning and no reasoning and demanded justification for their actions. I have advised them a complaint will be going in, i just dont actually have energy for it atm. I think this is what got them to review our safety plan. 12 weeks in and they gave OH a few more hours in our home. My OH had a very traumatic past and is doing everything to sort himself out also. His mental health is rock bottom and he has done so much already. He just keeps getting let down by our health system to so i am looking at private therapies. We cant afford this plus him renting elsewhere but whatever it takes we will somehow make it work. I feel very low atm myself, frustrated by the system, and no help offered, it is up to us to find it and thats not easy.
Winter25 reading what you wrote was great to read and helped me this morning. You are so knowledageble and have been a great help to me. Sad the forum is limiting you as i am sure you have helped so many.
Social Services are not trained correctly to deal with specific cases so blanket approach taken and it is damaging families not helping them. They are the ones affecting children not safeguarding them! The system needs a complete overhaul!
I am 100% with you and in the exact same situation and feel the exact same. There is a blanket approach to Social Services. I have roared at them for their lies,their changes without warning and no reasoning and demanded justification for their actions. I have advised them a complaint will be going in, i just dont actually have energy for it atm. I think this is what got them to review our safety plan. 12 weeks in and they gave OH a few more hours in our home. My OH had a very traumatic past and is doing everything to sort himself out also. His mental health is rock bottom and he has done so much already. He just keeps getting let down by our health system to so i am looking at private therapies. We cant afford this plus him renting elsewhere but whatever it takes we will somehow make it work. I feel very low atm myself, frustrated by the system, and no help offered, it is up to us to find it and thats not easy.
Winter25 reading what you wrote was great to read and helped me this morning. You are so knowledageble and have been a great help to me. Sad the forum is limiting you as i am sure you have helped so many.
Social Services are not trained correctly to deal with specific cases so blanket approach taken and it is damaging families not helping them. They are the ones affecting children not safeguarding them! The system needs a complete overhaul!
-
RisePhoenix
- Posts: 3
- Joined: Mon Oct 13, 2025 1:03 pm
Re: I can be a protective Mum AND be a supportive partner - the two can co-exist !
That last paragraph = nail on head!!Mango1 wrote: Sun Nov 02, 2025 12:36 pm RisePhoenix,
I am 100% with you and in the exact same situation and feel the exact same. There is a blanket approach to Social Services. I have roared at them for their lies,their changes without warning and no reasoning and demanded justification for their actions. I have advised them a complaint will be going in, i just dont actually have energy for it atm. I think this is what got them to review our safety plan. 12 weeks in and they gave OH a few more hours in our home. My OH had a very traumatic past and is doing everything to sort himself out also. His mental health is rock bottom and he has done so much already. He just keeps getting let down by our health system to so i am looking at private therapies. We cant afford this plus him renting elsewhere but whatever it takes we will somehow make it work. I feel very low atm myself, frustrated by the system, and no help offered, it is up to us to find it and thats not easy.
Winter25 reading what you wrote was great to read and helped me this morning. You are so knowledageble and have been a great help to me. Sad the forum is limiting you as i am sure you have helped so many.
Social Services are not trained correctly to deal with specific cases so blanket approach taken and it is damaging families not helping them. They are the ones affecting children not safeguarding them! The system needs a complete overhaul!
-
Suzie, FRG Adviser
- Posts: 4782
- Joined: Mon Jul 04, 2011 1:57 pm
Re: I can be a protective Mum AND be a supportive partner - the two can co-exist !
Dear RisePhoenix
Welcome to the parents’ discussion board. Thank you for your post. My name is Suzie. I am Family Rights Group’s online adviser.
I am sorry to hear about the difficulties your family are experiencing. You have explained very clearly the impact that your husband’s arrest for an online sexual offence involving children has had on you, your children, and your husband. It can be a very traumatic experience for the whole family. You have highlighted several key issues for families in these situations. There is often limited support available for partners and children. There is also often not enough available information to families about what happens at each stage of the process; this has been compared to being in a maze. You describe how you are trying to work through this while dealing with the uncertainty of the outcome of the criminal investigation and any future criminal trial.
As the lead agency responsible for protecting children and promoting their welfare children’s services must be involved. I am sorry to hear that this has been a negative experience so far for you. You feel they have not worked well with you, that they query your ability to protect your children while also supporting your husband and maintaining a relationship with him. Their role is to look at your children’s specific needs and how to safeguard them taking into account both risk and protective factors. It is good to hear that your husband is getting help and making changes to his life.
It is important that the social worker can work well with you and your children, listen to your views, that there is a shared understanding of risk and that they have a full understanding of the nature of your husband’s offending behaviour, his history and what he is doing now that is different. Children’s services play a key role in assessing both risk and protective parenting and coordinating safe plans for children. So, it is essential that you continue to find a way of working with your children’s social worker to ensure that the best family safety plan is in place for your children especially if you want to challenge or change their perspective of your family situation. This guide to working with a social worker offers suggestions about how to do this.
You have not sought any specific advice in your post but may find it helpful to refer to the information below:
• Child in need
• Child protection
• Complaints
• Sexual abuse.
You have said that you are worried about the possible wider impact on your family e.g. if your husband’s case is reported in the press. There are a couple of things that you/your husband can do to try to minimise this if necessary. You can ask the police to consider whether it is necessary to share information about the case with the media, as this could be a safeguarding issue for your children who live in the family home. If there is a criminal trial your husband can ask his solicitor to request that this is held at a court outside your local area, as there are children involved.
If you have any queries, I encourage you to call the freephone advice line to discuss your situation with an experienced adviser who can provide you with targeted advice. The freephone advice line (0808 8010366) is open from 9.30 a.m. to 3.00 p.m. Monday to Friday. If you prefer, please post back, send an advice enquiry form or contact an adviser via webchat.
I hope that the signposting information below will be useful to you and other parents on this forum as they may be able to offer support and services for your family.
Talking Forward
ACTS Fast
Stop it now
Hope after Harm – works in named areas only
Lucy Faithfull Foundation Inform
StopSo.
I hope this is helpful.
Best wishes
Suzie
Welcome to the parents’ discussion board. Thank you for your post. My name is Suzie. I am Family Rights Group’s online adviser.
I am sorry to hear about the difficulties your family are experiencing. You have explained very clearly the impact that your husband’s arrest for an online sexual offence involving children has had on you, your children, and your husband. It can be a very traumatic experience for the whole family. You have highlighted several key issues for families in these situations. There is often limited support available for partners and children. There is also often not enough available information to families about what happens at each stage of the process; this has been compared to being in a maze. You describe how you are trying to work through this while dealing with the uncertainty of the outcome of the criminal investigation and any future criminal trial.
As the lead agency responsible for protecting children and promoting their welfare children’s services must be involved. I am sorry to hear that this has been a negative experience so far for you. You feel they have not worked well with you, that they query your ability to protect your children while also supporting your husband and maintaining a relationship with him. Their role is to look at your children’s specific needs and how to safeguard them taking into account both risk and protective factors. It is good to hear that your husband is getting help and making changes to his life.
It is important that the social worker can work well with you and your children, listen to your views, that there is a shared understanding of risk and that they have a full understanding of the nature of your husband’s offending behaviour, his history and what he is doing now that is different. Children’s services play a key role in assessing both risk and protective parenting and coordinating safe plans for children. So, it is essential that you continue to find a way of working with your children’s social worker to ensure that the best family safety plan is in place for your children especially if you want to challenge or change their perspective of your family situation. This guide to working with a social worker offers suggestions about how to do this.
You have not sought any specific advice in your post but may find it helpful to refer to the information below:
• Child in need
• Child protection
• Complaints
• Sexual abuse.
You have said that you are worried about the possible wider impact on your family e.g. if your husband’s case is reported in the press. There are a couple of things that you/your husband can do to try to minimise this if necessary. You can ask the police to consider whether it is necessary to share information about the case with the media, as this could be a safeguarding issue for your children who live in the family home. If there is a criminal trial your husband can ask his solicitor to request that this is held at a court outside your local area, as there are children involved.
If you have any queries, I encourage you to call the freephone advice line to discuss your situation with an experienced adviser who can provide you with targeted advice. The freephone advice line (0808 8010366) is open from 9.30 a.m. to 3.00 p.m. Monday to Friday. If you prefer, please post back, send an advice enquiry form or contact an adviser via webchat.
I hope that the signposting information below will be useful to you and other parents on this forum as they may be able to offer support and services for your family.
Talking Forward
ACTS Fast
Stop it now
Hope after Harm – works in named areas only
Lucy Faithfull Foundation Inform
StopSo.
I hope this is helpful.
Best wishes
Suzie
Do you have 3 minutes to complete our evaluation form ? We would value your feedback on the parents’ forum.
-
Suzie, FRG Adviser
- Posts: 4782
- Joined: Mon Jul 04, 2011 1:57 pm
Re: I can be a protective Mum AND be a supportive partner - the two can co-exist !
Dear Mango1Mango1 wrote: Sun Nov 02, 2025 12:36 pm RisePhoenix,
I am 100% with you and in the exact same situation and feel the exact same. There is a blanket approach to Social Services. I have roared at them for their lies,their changes without warning and no reasoning and demanded justification for their actions. I have advised them a complaint will be going in, i just dont actually have energy for it atm. I think this is what got them to review our safety plan. 12 weeks in and they gave OH a few more hours in our home. My OH had a very traumatic past and is doing everything to sort himself out also. His mental health is rock bottom and he has done so much already. He just keeps getting let down by our health system to so i am looking at private therapies. We cant afford this plus him renting elsewhere but whatever it takes we will somehow make it work. I feel very low atm myself, frustrated by the system, and no help offered, it is up to us to find it and thats not easy.
Winter25 reading what you wrote was great to read and helped me this morning. You are so knowledageble and have been a great help to me. Sad the forum is limiting you as i am sure you have helped so many.
Social Services are not trained correctly to deal with specific cases so blanket approach taken and it is damaging families not helping them. They are the ones affecting children not safeguarding them! The system needs a complete overhaul!
Suzie (FRG Adviser) here, thank you for your updates and comments about your situation. We offered some advice and suggestions in an earlier post to you about what might happen during an assessment. I hope that information was helpful.
May I now signpost you to charities/ organisations that may offer you support or information. This publication called Managing Risk and Trauma after Online Sexual Offending: A whole family safeguarding guide may be informative. The Mental Health Foundation may be helpful and Safer Lives too.
Best wishes
Suzie
Family Rights Group Adviser
Do you have 3 minutes to complete our evaluation form ? We would value your feedback on the parents’ forum.
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