Am i doing the right thing?

[ProudMama]

My ex is an alcoholic.
We have a 3yo daughter.
We split up due to his failure to stop drinking 6 months ago.
He moved in with his friends, who are also alcoholics. His drinking became worse than ever.
He spent that 6 months telling me he was serious about wanting to stop, but couldn’t do it while living there. He begged me to help him get away from that environment, and said that 6 months had taught him that changes needed to be made. I eventually agreed to let him sleep on my sofa on the condition that he does not drink at my home, or elsewhere if he was planning to return to my home afterwards. I made it clear this was me trying to help him, and not us getting back together. He agreed.
3 days later, I collected our child from nursery straight after work, and returned home to find him drunk. He denied he had been drinking, accused me of cheating, swearing at me, raising his voice. I asked him to leave as this was not an acceptable state to be in with our child present. He refused. I called the police.
While I was on the phone to them, he continued shouting. He clipped me across the back of my head with an open hand whilst I was holding our child, who was crying at the time. It wasn’t forcefully, but he had never raised a hand to me before, so that was a red flag. Escalation from the verbal abuse I was used to when he was drunk. I took our daughter outside while I continued to wait for the police to arrive. He followed us out, took my phone from me, ended my call and took my phone back into the house.
He then came back outside, told me to “get in” as our daughter was upset, and clipped me across the back of the head again.
I took our daughter inside and closed the door so that he was unable to gain access.
The police arrived shortly after. They picked him up at my local shop buying a bottle of vodka. They arrested him for common assault, and he gave a “no comment” interview the following morning. He was released on bail with conditions not to contact me directly or indirectly. The police asked me if I was willing to support this, and wether I would be willing to go to court if it got that far. I said yes.
Because our child was present, social services had to be notified. I’m waiting to hear from them. I’m worried they will blame me for being naive enough to let him stay on my sofa on the condition that he doesn’t drink, after 6 months of promising he wouldn’t.
Will they say I failed to protect her? Am I doing the right thing by pressing charges for him hitting me while I was holding her, even though it wasn’t forceful? I do have many messages in which he has been verbally abusive while drunk, threats, suicide threats and alleged suicide attempts.. also messages saying that he “can’t wait to take our daughter away from me” when I have refused to allow him access to her while drunk.. he has also been in court for drunken assault against his friend a couple of years ago, and his own parents once had a restraining order against him.
His friend text me today asking to collect his belongings as he’s in court tomorrow for an unrelated offence (trespass and burglary, again whilst drunk) .. he said that my ex told him I had hit him 3 times in the house. I didn’t, but I have no evidence of this. Him clipping me across the head outside the house was however caught on my neighbour’s camera.
I told him not to text me for any reason other than to arrange collection of my ex’s belongings.
I’m now worried if this goes to court, they will believe I hit him? Even though he didn’t mention this in his interview (he answered no comment to everything) and I have no previous criminal record.

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear ProudMama

Welcome back to the parents’ discussion board. Thank you for your post. My name is Suzie. I am Family Rights Group’s online adviser.

I am very sorry to hear about your difficult family situation. It must be very stressful for you.

You provide a background history of your daughter’s father's alcohol misuse, domestic abuse, and alleged criminal activity where alcohol use has been a factor. You explain that although you separated six months ago due to his alcohol use you recently allowed him to sleep on your sofa (as he was living with other drinkers which prevented him from trying to stop drinking). You describe how you set very clear boundaries prohibiting him from drinking or coming to your home if he had been drinking and that you were not resuming a relationship with him.

Unfortunately, he did not keep to the conditions you set, and you returned home with your child to find him drunk. When challenged he was abusive to you and struck you while you were holding your already distressed child. You called the police. This was the right thing to do. And you took your daughter outside while speaking to them; you describe how your partner then took your phone from you and ended your call, telling you to go back inside your property and that he ‘clipped’ you across the back of the head again, captured on a neighbour’s CCTV. Your daughter was present at the time. You had to lock your ex-partner out of your home, to keep yourself and your daughter safe. He was subsequently arrested for common assault, he was buying alcohol at the time. He is subject to bail conditions not to contact you. You have agreed to proceed with the case against him. You explain that he has also made a range of threats to you in the past that he will take his own life and that he wants to take your daughter off you, when you have prevented him from seeing her as he was drinking. Threats of this kind are common in domestic violence situations, and it is good that it did not stop you from seeking help.

You are aware that police will have made a referral to children’s services and are worried:

• That they will criticise you for allowing your daughter’s father back home and say that you failed to protect your daughter
• Whether you are doing the right thing by pressing charges (as you say he did not hit you forcefully)
• That your daughter’s father alleged to his friend that you had hit him x 3 time in the house and how this will be interpreted if he says this in court. You are clear that this did not happen.

Children’s services will assess the situation as from the information described your daughter was exposed to domestic abuse from her father who was under the influence of alcohol and ‘clipped’ you while you were holding your child. You are not responsible for her father’s behaviour as he is the one who failed to keep to the agreement that he would not drink and who you describe was abusive to you in the presence of and while you were holding your child. You acted responsibly and protectively by calling the police.

You may find it helpful to read about how children’s services work and why they are concerned about domestic abuse and parental alcohol abuse.

I would encourage you to discuss your reasons for allowing your ex-partner to stay, the safety plan you put in place and the details of what happened with the social worker in the same way that you have shared on this forum. They should understand the complexities of family life and the dynamics of domestic abuse. It sounds as if you wanted to support your ex-partner’s attempt to stop drinking. In hindsight perhaps this was not the best approach as he probably needs professional support, and he is not your responsibility. You did put boundaries in place which he did not respect. Social workers will be aware that sometimes perpetrators of domestic abuse make allegations against their victims. You did the right thing by calling the police when the situation became unsafe.

While you cannot change what has happened, what you do now is important. I would encourage you to engage with a domestic abuse service. You can discuss your situation with them including how you feel about pressing charges. You can find details of domestic abuse services here . The National Domestic Violence Centre is also worth knowing about.

The best thing to do now may be to engage fully with children’s services and the professionals involved with you and your daughter so that you can work together to make sure she is well and protected from abuse. These tips for working with a social worker may help you to make sure that you can work in partnership together.

Once the social worker begins their assessment you can post back or contact the advice service via one of our other advice options here for more specific advice.

I hope this helps.

Best wishes

Suzie

[ProudMama]

Thank you Suzie. Children’s services have been in touch and are thankfully happy that I took the necessary steps to safeguard our daughter, by calling the police and pressing charges. The police referred me to a domestic abuse organisation which I am also engaging with, I have an appointment for an initial assessment later this month. Ex has already breached the terms of his bail (no direct/indirect contact with myself, is allowed third party contact to arrange seeing our daughter), he has emailed me (8 times now) .. only 2 of those were to ask about child contact, the others were to apologise and ask me to withdraw my statement, and to ask me to return the child support he had given me since he is no longer staying at my house.
I have reported these breaches to the police, but as yet have had no response and he still continues to contact me. Which makes me wonder if the police are taking it seriously. His friend also contacted me offering me money to withdraw my statement, which I have also reported with no response as yet. Ex asked for a video call with our daughter, which I ignored as that would go against the purpose of the no contact conditions. I would have to facilitate and have involvement in that call, as she’s only 3 so is unable to do so herself.
My worry now is that since I’ve had no response from the police after reporting his bail breaches, the outcome will be no further action and he will be allowed to contact me as he pleases. I also worry that things may escalate as he will think he’s untouchable if nothing is done.

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear ProudMama

This is Suzie, Family Rights Group’s adviser. Thank you for your updating post. I am glad to hear that children’s services agreed that you had acted protectively by calling the police and pressing charges. I hope that this was reassuring for you.

I am sorry to hear that your ex-partner has breached his bail conditions by contacting you directly and that his friend contacted you offering money if you withdrew your complaint. You have rightly reported these serious matters to the police but unfortunately have not had any response yet which is a concern. Police could arrest your ex-partner for breaching his bail conditions. I would suggest that you:

• Contact the police again for an acknowledgement that you have reported this and an update on what action they will take.
• Seek support from the domestic abuse charity that you have been referred to. They may have a ‘duty’ type service while you are awaiting an appointment or to be allocated an IDVA.
• Update children’s services too, so that you can clearly show that he is not complying and you continue to be protective.

I understand your concerns about your ex-partner’s behaviour and your worries that it may escalate. Notifying the agencies above means that you are letting the statutory services know that he is breaching his bail conditions and that this is worrying you as you are trying to keep your family safe. Your domestic abuse service should be able to support you further with this too. They can also advise about civil legal options, if needed. Please see our specialist domestic abuse FAQs here.

I hope this is helpful.

Best wishes

Suzie