Ongoing Abuse

[Brother1986]

I recently put mine and my wife's names forward for assessment for special guardianship of my neice. My mother also put her name forward and as a result, me and my brothers were asked to give reports on our childhood and her general personality & parenting, which we were honest about, and ultimately reflected very poorly on her, potentially stopping her for getting guardianship, and now she is in a spiral of being confrontational and abusive.

Regardless of the typical concerns and processes, upon learning that I have put myself forward my mother - who has always been quite volatile and difficult to deal with - has begun messaging me, guilt tripping me for my intentions of taking custody of my neice, creating issues for any visitation *IF* we are selected, but she is now resorting to insults and accusations which are actually quite hurtful.

I am trying my best to not respond to her, not lowering myself to her level, and although this behaviour was enitrely expected, it doesn't make it any less difficult to read the things she is saying.

In regard to the social services processes, should I inform them of her recent communication towards me (I am taking screenshots of every message), but I feel they may see this as an outside issue, unattached to the guardianship assessments. I do not want her behaviours, and how I am coping with them to affect our application for guardianship, and really not sure what to do about her.

[Robin D]

My view is that anything less than honesty will come back to bite you. The issue may be that you would be expected to protect the child from your mother. You would be expected to at least have thought about how you would handle the situation. Think too about what other support you would have. Taking on a child is not all sweetness and light, and there will be times you will need to call on others for support. Any assessment will consider those points, so best to think about it now.

Good luck .... Robin

[Robin D]

Sorry, I would add one thing. You might gently point out to your mother that if you fail the assessment, the likely outcome of the parallel planning that Children's Services will already be doing is that the child will be placed for adoption by strangers meaning she will be lost to your family (and therefore your mother) for good. Wouldnlt it be better to have her placed securely within the family?

That's not saying anyone should be deceptive, but equally making false and malicious allegations is not helpful to the child.

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

I recently put mine and my wife's names forward for assessment for special guardianship of my neice. My mother also put her name forward and as a result, me and my brothers were asked to give reports on our childhood and her general personality & parenting, which we were honest about, and ultimately reflected very poorly on her, potentially stopping her for getting guardianship, and now she is in a spiral of being confrontational and abusive.

Regardless of the typical concerns and processes, upon learning that I have put myself forward my mother - who has always been quite volatile and difficult to deal with - has begun messaging me, guilt tripping me for my intentions of taking custody of my neice, creating issues for any visitation *IF* we are selected, but she is now resorting to insults and accusations which are actually quite hurtful.

I am trying my best to not respond to her, not lowering myself to her level, and although this behaviour was enitrely expected, it doesn't make it any less difficult to read the things she is saying.

In regard to the social services processes, should I inform them of her recent communication towards me (I am taking screenshots of every message), but I feel they may see this as an outside issue, unattached to the guardianship assessments. I do not want her behaviours, and how I am coping with them to affect our application for guardianship, and really not sure what to do about her.

Dear Brother1986

Thank you for your update and your question regarding disclosing the recent communication that your mother has been sending to you to a social worker.

It is always a good idea to be honest with children’s services about any difficulties that arise when one is being assessed to care for a child. I imagine that the whole process is stressful to yourselves and the wider family (including your mother). You may want to ‘frame’ your communication with the social worker about the ‘worry/concern/stress’ the whole situation has ‘placed’ on your family, reassure them that you are seeking solutions (or ask them to suggest solutions) that will ‘enable’ everyone to be ‘content’ with the proposed care or permanence plan for your niece.

May I suggest that you review our webpages about care and related proceedings where you will see the what the likely or possible outcomes are when children in care are under an interim care order, including what the family court considers when making decisions for children.

It may be helpful for you to review our advice sheets about kinship care and special guardianship orders. Advice sheets 2g, 2a, 2b, and 2c may be insightful at this time.

Best wishes
Suzie