CAFCASS / Refuge / MASH - Regarding new partner

[DGDG22]

Good afternoon,

I’ll try to explain this as best as I can from the beginning to the current situation.

I split up with my ex partner and was placed into a refuge, which is based upon domestic violence. He’s since taken me court for joint custody, in the mean time, I got into a relationship with another man, and have been with him for around 5 months now.

During our relationship there has been no arguments, no raised voices, just love and undoubtedly unconditional at that.
He’s gentle, he understood what I was going through and has supported me during all of it.
CAFCASS, had to do a safeguard check, and he has flagged up with “serious” concerns, and told me I need to end it with him, or risk my ex partner getting full custody during this court hearing (goes back on may 20 for the 2nd arrangements plan).

My current partner has told me about his history, and has changed, I personally can vouch for that, and can see how loving and caring he really is, it’s just unfortunate it’s on his record.
I’ve cut contact but we really didn’t want this to happen, we’ve been forced out of happiness, love and solidarity.
His history was domestic violence, however, the assault by beating was him pushing his ex, it was more arguing than anything else.
He did a domestic course for that , that was around 11 years ago since the above.

There were accusations from a partner of his for strangulation and assault, however that was to be found NOT guilty, it was in fact her assaulting him, however its on his file.
Incident of him debagging a girl when he was 13 at school.

Once this court proceeding is out of the way, what can we do to enable us to be together, what would be the possible occurrences , assessments etc.

He’s done a domestic abuse course with certification, he has anger management and coping techniques certification, as well as safeguarding children and vulnerable adults, change grow live, he works every week with probation, he’s attending mental and well being course every 2 weeks.
I feel like they’re using his past against a person he no longer is.
Everyone can change if they as a person want that change, and he really is such a lovely guy.

All of my family love him, he isn’t a threat to myself or my son, and I would instantly have dismissed the relationship if I felt at all like there was safeguarding concerns

Do we get together after court, and then tell them that we’re together?

Really we are both stuck with this.

Thank you

[Confusedmam]

It's obviously completely your life but I can tell you what cafcass will be thinking when assessing the risk. It sounds like your new partner has quite a serious and extensive pattern of domestic violence, whether found guilty in court or not they will assess the reports as fact. Whilst there is the possibility that he is telling the truth domestic abusers often go through cycles in new relationships, they minimise their previous behaviour (she pushed me, she said this/did this, she was crazy) and they actually as very best partner, they show more love and understanding than you've had before 'love bombing', they often pick women that have previously been in abusive relationships because having just survived that your self esteem is probably low, your seeking safety and a feeling of love that is opposite to what you've just survived, so they embody that. This stage can go on for a long time until occasionally small abuses/gaslighting will slip in and they'll apologize and you'll think they are so amazing it's just a few slip ups and then it builds and builds. Whilst you don't feel you or your child are in danger it reads on paper as high risk and if I was you I would not resume this relationship, social services would potentially see you as placing this relationship above your child's safety and this would be amplified as you deny the risk. It's totally your life and only you know your life best but I would run a mile.

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear DGDG22

Welcome to the parents’ discussion board. Thank you for your post. My name is Suzie. I am Family Rights Group’s online adviser.

I am sorry to hear about the difficulties your family is currently experiencing.

You were in a domestically abusive relationship with your son’s father from whom you separated. You were placed in a refuge. He has made an application to the court in relation to shared care of your son. You have a further hearing in the family court about this in about a month. You don’t say if you are represented by a solicitor. However, as you have evidence of domestic abuse due to being placed in a refuge, hopefully you have been able to get legal aid and are represented. We do not provide advice about private law matters or the role of CAFCASS but your solicitor will and I will also provide you with information about additional sources of private law advice if you are not represented.

You explain that you are in a new relationship (5 months) and CAFCASS checks show that your new partner has a concerning history of domestic abuse. You say that you have not experienced or witnessed any abusive behaviour from him, and you are satisfied that he has taken on board learning from courses he has done and the support he continues to access. You believe that he has changed. You don’t think that there are any safeguarding concerns.

However, CAFCASS’ assessment contradicts this to the extent that they have suggested you end the relationship and that if you remain in a relationship with your new partner then the court may decide to make a Child Arrangements Order in favour of your son’s father. Although you have now stopped contact, you are wondering if you should resume a relationship once the court process has ended and tell the professionals afterwards.

You have already had a detailed response from another parent who has considered your situation and the dynamics of domestic abuse and provided helpful and insightful advice, based on the information provided in your post.

The number and pattern of allegations raised over a period is a concern. You may find it helpful to read this advice about domestic abuse for mothers. I would encourage you to also get in touch with a domestic abuse service even though you are clear that you have not experienced domestic abuse from your current partner. You can have a discussion with a domestic abuse specialist about the implications for you of your partner’s history.

Social workers worry that past behaviour can be a predictor of future behaviour. They also worry about minimisation and would be concerned if a parent prioritises an adult relationship over the safety and wellbeing of their child. As an adult you can make your own decisions but as a parent, decisions you make also impact on your child. This is where the courts or children’s services have a duty to focus on the child’s needs.

It is never advisable to be dishonest about a relationship to the courts or to social workers as this makes them concerned about your decision-making and your ability to work with professionals. So, if you choose to maintain a relationship with your partner, it is best that you do so openly having sought legal advice about this as the family court adviser has expressed how this may result in the court deciding that your son should live with his father. Please discuss with your solicitor and if you do not have one you can get legal advice from one of the services below:

Rights of Women
Child Law Advice

You don’t say if children’s services are currently involved although you mention MASH in the title of your post. Based on the same information, they are likely to share CAFCASS concerns. They could become involved now or in the future (e.g. after your private law court case has concluded) if they believe that you and your son are being put at risk of domestic abuse by your continued relationship with your partner.

Please see our advice about how children’s services work which explains their role, how they work with families via different processes including child in need and child protection.

I understand that this situation is difficult and how you (and your partner) feel stuck. It is good that you are seeking advice and thinking things through.

I hope that this response has helped.

If you do have any queries about children’s services’ involvement, please post back or contact the advice service via one of the options linked to here.

Best wishes

Suzie