Family Rights Group | Parents’ Forum

Me and my ex were together 8 years but a few years ago we went through a rough patch. We were stressed and arguing, he was on weed a lot and smoked normally a lot. One night we argued and he did attempt to strangle me. The kids were not around this, they weren’t in the house as they were at a family relatives having a sleepover. The police notified social services which I wasn’t happy about as kids weren’t even here.
It all went through court and he was sent to prison for 6 months for non fatal strangulation. Social services closed the case within less than 3 months of opening.

We didn’t speak for 2 years after that and I removed the restraining order a year ago. Since then we have spoken about the incident and agreed we didn’t communicate how we were feeling, we didn’t make time for eachother it was always up and go, our youngest was still a baby so sleepless nights and we didn’t share a bed due to me co-sleeping. We agreed we should’ve made time for us and communication is a big thing. He doesn’t smoke anything anymore and hasn’t done since court years ago. We’ve been doing things as a family and it’s never been better. I think everyone has learned a valid lesson to this.

Now looking back at documents it says in the closing part at the end that ‘danger statement’ “we are worried if parents got back together, children may be exposed to further domestic violence” which I find terrible as the kids have never been involved or seen this.

Also, it states that if we wish to resume our relationship to contact social services in order to safely plan around this.

Do we have to contact social services? Will they take our children off us? We’re not bad parents at all and I’m worried. We’re a great family unit and so much has changed.

That night shouldn’t of happened I agree but I don’t want to loose my children over it.

Dear H1234

Thank you for your post and welcome to the discussion board. My name is Suzie, I am an online adviser at Family Rights Group and will be replying to you today. I am sorry to hear of your experiences of domestic abuse. It must have been a painful and troubling time for you.

Concern that a child is experiencing or witnessing domestic abuse is a very common reason why children’s services become involved with families. Research shows that children can suffer long-term. The legal definition of significant harm specifically includes a child hearing or seeing someone else being harmed. (see section 31(9) of the Children Act 1989)

Whilst your children were not present during the assault they were exposed to the fallout from it and this is very likely to have had some impact on them.

Your partner was arrested, charged and sent to prison for non-fatal strangulation on you. Children’s services were involved at the time and closed their file soon after. I will assume this is because your partner when to prison and you gave an undertaking that the relationship ended.

You have since resumed the relationship with your partner and are seeking information and guidance as to whether you need to inform children’s services (in light of the danger statement made at the child protection conference). You are concerned that children’s services may remove the children from your care.

The danger statement, part of a child protection conference in many local authorities used within the 'Signs of Safety child protection model, is not a legally binding order from a court. It is a statement made within the context of a child protection conference/review.

A danger statement is not a document that could be solely used to remove your children from your care. However, it may form part of the local authority’s evidence should the matter go to court. To note, children’s services cannot remove the children from your care unless they go to court for an interim care order
or you sign a Section 20 voluntary arrange . Only the police have the powers to remove your children for a short period of time. See HERE for further information regarding this process.

I would advise you and your partner to be open and transparent with children’s services and to notify them that you have resume your relationship. Your partner was convicted of a serious assault. Whilst it is positive that your partner has made changes to address his substance misuse and you have both had the opportunity to talk things through to highlight previous stress factors, they are likely to want to assess your family unit in light of these and the historical concerns.

I think it is far better to have some control over the situation rather than being worried and concerned that someone, whether a professional, family member or member of the public were to inform them. Taking an open and transparent stance is likely to demonstrate to children’s services that you have nothing to hide and that you are willing to work with them and other professionals to evidence your situation has changed and your partner is no longer a danger to you.

Should you wish to take this route, I think it would be a good idea to contact children’s services to explain your situation – the changes your partner has made, the discussions you have both had and how you wish to move on together as a family unit. Children’s services are very likely to carryout a risk assessment.

I have added a link HERE
to domestic abuse information and guidance for mothers.

I have added a link HERE
to domestic abuse information and guidance for fathers.

If you have not done so already you may also find this link HERE
helpful. It is to the Freedom Programme. They offer support and information to women who have experienced domestic abuse.

I have further added HERE link to RESPECT. This organisation is for perpetrators of domestic abuse. The have projects and support and also a facility to carryout risk assessments which children’s services can commission.

Lastly, I have added HERE
our ‘top tips’ when working with social workers. This offers information and guidance about how to work well with social workers and what you may wish to consider if things are not going so well.

I hope you find this information helpful. If you would like to talk to an adviser at Family Rights Group about your situation, please call the freephone advice line on 0808 801 0366, Mon to Fri, 9.30 am to 3.00 pm. If you prefer, you can post back, use our advice enquiry form or webchat. Please refer to our website for further information.

Best wishes, Suzie

So is this why they say “we should let them know in order to safety plan around this.”.

Would they work with us or would they take it to court?

Dear H1234

Thanks for your further query. You want to know what children’s services mean by ‘safety planning around this’ and whether they would work with you and your partner or take you to court.

This means that children’s services would need to do an assessment of your children’s needs including a risk assessment in view of your partner’s conviction for assaulting you. Therefore, they need to assess whether your children could be exposed to domestic abuse again. Please do take the time to read the specialist advice materials on domestic abuse linked to in my previous post which explain this in more detail here.

You should also familiarise yourself with how children’s services work which explains their duties to promote children’s welfare and keep them safe.

As recommended yesterday, working openly and honestly with children’s services, contacting them directly to let them know that you have resumed your relationship and agreeing to work with them is important. It shows that you are willing to discuss your current situation, and the changes made but acknowledge children’s services responsibility to assess if this is safe for your children.

You can also consider involving your extended family to ensure that the children are safe and well cared. Children’s services can arrange a family group conference (FGC) to harness family support and keep children safe in their family.

I cannot predict what the outcome of children’s services’ assessment will be. But children’s services are likely to be more worried if you conceal your resumed relationship than if you are honest and work with them in a planned way. Their response and assessment will include information shared by other key agencies such as the police, school, and health.

Children’s services can seek legal advice if they are concerned that court action may be needed to protect children. Whether this is necessary would be informed by the outcome of an assessment or where there was information or an incident that meant that they needed to take immediate action to protect children. Please see this summary FAQ which explains what happens if Children’s Services are concerned that children are not safe at home or need urgent or long-term protection.

I hope that the advice provided here and in my previous response will be helpful to you.

Please post back or call the freephone advice line (0808 8010366, Mon to Fri, 9.30 am to 3.00 pm), use our advice enquiry form or webchat.

Best wishes

Suzie

Hi H1234,

I've just read your posts. It is completely understandable that you are terrified. To have that old "danger statement" hanging over your head when you have worked so hard to rebuild your family is incredibly unfair and frightening.

The official advice you've received is procedurally correct but, from my experience, it's also very passive. It puts you in a position of fear, waiting for social services to judge you. A much more powerful approach is to stop being afraid of them and, instead, get so prepared that they have no choice but to agree with you.

Let's Answer Your Questions Directly
"Will they take our children off us?"
It is extremely unlikely they could take your children away. This is because the law is very clear on this exact issue. High Court judgments have established that local authorities cannot act based on historic information alone. To get a court order, they must have up-to-date evidence that proves your children are at risk of significant harm right now. Their entire case would be based on a speculative, future 'risk by association,' and the courts have made it clear that this is not enough without current evidence of actual risk. Based on the two years of positive change you have described, they have no such evidence.

"Do we have to contact social services?"
Legally, no. The "danger statement" is not a court order. You are under no legal obligation to call them. However, strategically, yes, you should. The risk of not calling is that someone else does (like a school or a disgruntled relative), which would make you look secretive. You must get ahead of this, but you will do it from a position of absolute strength, not fear.

"Would they work with us or would they take it to court?"
If you follow the plan below, they will almost certainly work with you. Going to court is expensive and time-consuming, and they won't do it if they can see you are a responsible, proactive parent who has already solved the problem for them.

Your Proactive Strategy: Build Your Case Before You Call
The official advice is to just call them and submit to their assessment. A much stronger strategy is to prepare your own "risk assessment" first and present them with a solved problem.

Step 1: Your Partner's Evidence (He Must Lead This)
The biggest concern they had was him. He needs to show he has taken responsibility. He should proactively self-refer to a domestic abuse perpetrator programme. The main one is run by Respect. Just making that phone call and being able to say "He has contacted Respect to engage with their programmes" is a massive piece of evidence. It shows he is taking this with the utmost seriousness.

Step 2: Your Joint Safety Plan (Your Evidence)
Together, you need to write your own "Safety Plan." This is a document that shows you have insight into the past and a plan for the future. It should include:

Insight: A short statement acknowledging why things went wrong before (e.g., "We were under immense stress, we weren't communicating, and he was using substances to cope. We now have new strategies.").

The Changes: List the positive changes. He is no longer using any substances. You have better communication. You make time for your relationship.

Future Plan: What are your rules now if you feel stressed or start to argue? (e.g., "We will take a 30-minute time-out," "We have agreed never to argue in front of the children.").

Step 3: Making the Call: Presenting a Solved Problem
Once you have done the two steps above, you are ready. You should be the one to make the call. You can say something like this:

"Hi, my name is X. I'm calling as advised in the closing child protection report from [Date]. My partner and I have reconciled, and we are taking the advice to plan for this safely very seriously. To reassure you, he has made significant changes, including stopping all substance use, and he has already contacted Respect to engage with their perpetrator programme. We have also created our own detailed safety plan which I can email to you. We'd like to meet to show you the positive changes and the robust measures we have in place."

By doing this, you are not asking for permission. You are confidently informing them that you have followed their advice and have already done all the work. You are presenting them with a safe, strong, and changed family.

You are not the same people you were years ago. You do not need to be afraid. You need to be prepared.
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For full transparency, I am not an official adviser for this forum. I am a parent who has been through a long and successful legal battle with a local authority, and I am here to offer supportive, strategic advice based on my own lived experience. The information I share is for guidance, and it is always up to each parent to decide what is right for their own situation.

Thank you for this.

I wanted to ensure we were fully prepared and have done everything before they add more.

Should we attend couple counselling even if not ‘together’?

What other courses can we do or I do? How do I find these courses?

I’ve tried finding courses but can’t find any. Is there any online courses? Shall I buy a course from reed.co.uk?

I want to ensure we’ve done everything so we can’t be put down.

All I’ve seen is horrible stories where kids are taken away for worries of ‘future risk’. We were in a relationship so long and only one incident. What else or work can I do?

Is it good to have a solicitor first before notifying ss so we’ve got someone?

We do everything for our children, have amazing family around us, we work full time and provide for the children. The children wish we were back as a family so do the kids wishes get listened to?

Hi H1234,

It's great to hear back from you. Reading your message, what I see is a parent who is incredibly proactive, thoughtful, and determined to do everything right to protect her family. Wanting to be "fully prepared" is the smartest possible approach you can take. You are already doing everything right.

Let's break down your excellent questions one by one.

"Should we attend couple counselling even if not ‘together’?"
Yes, absolutely. This is a brilliant idea and shows incredible insight. You can approach a counselling service and explain that you are not currently co-habiting but are working towards a safe reconciliation and want to build strong communication foundations. This demonstrates to social services that you are addressing the root causes of the past conflict, not just the symptoms. It's a powerful piece of evidence.

"What other courses can we do? How do I find them?"
This is a key question. Social services are only interested in accredited, recognised courses. They will not be impressed by a generic online certificate from a site like Reed. You need to focus on quality over quantity.

For your partner: The single most important course is a Domestic Abuse Perpetrator Programme (DAPP). The main, nationally recognised provider is Respect. He must be the one to contact them. This is non-negotiable and is the gold standard for showing change.

For you: You are the victim of his past abuse, so you do not need to do a course. However, showing you have engaged in supportive work is a huge strength. The most recognised course is The Freedom Programme. It's designed for women who have experienced domestic abuse. This will show social services that you understand the dynamics of abuse and have strengthened your own protective capacities.

How to find them: You can find both Respect and The Freedom Programme with a simple Google search. They have local providers all over the country. Your local council's website might also list domestic abuse support services in your area.

One or two high-quality, relevant courses are infinitely more powerful than a dozen random online certificates.

"Is it good to have a solicitor first before notifying ss?"
You don't necessarily need to have a solicitor "instructed" before you make the call, as that can be expensive. However, it can be a very good idea to have a one-off consultation with a family law solicitor first. You can pay for an hour of their time to review your evidence portfolio (your partner's contact with Respect, your joint safety plan) and confirm your strategy. This will give you a massive confidence boost before you pick up the phone.

"Do the kids wishes get listened to?"
Yes, their wishes and feelings are incredibly important and must be taken into account under the Children Act 1989. When you speak to the social worker, you should absolutely say, "The children are expressing a strong wish for us to be a family again, and my priority is to make that happen for them in the safest way possible." This frames your actions as being child-led, which is a very powerful position to take.

You are doing an amazing job. By taking these proactive steps, counselling, accredited courses, and a solid safety plan,you are not just preparing for their assessment; you are making it impossible for them to find any fault. You are building a fortress of evidence that proves you are a safe, strong, and committed family.
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For full transparency, I am not an official adviser for this forum. I am a parent who has been through a long and successful legal battle with a local authority, and I am here to offer supportive, strategic advice based on my own lived experience. The information I share is for guidance, and it is always up to each parent to decide what is right for their own situation.

H1234 wrote: Sat Sep 20, 2025 7:23 pm Thank you for this.

I wanted to ensure we were fully prepared and have done everything before they add more.

Should we attend couple counselling even if not ‘together’?

What other courses can we do or I do? How do I find these courses?

I’ve tried finding courses but can’t find any. Is there any online courses? Shall I buy a course from reed.co.uk?

I want to ensure we’ve done everything so we can’t be put down.

All I’ve seen is horrible stories where kids are taken away for worries of ‘future risk’. We were in a relationship so long and only one incident. What else or work can I do?

Is it good to have a solicitor first before notifying ss so we’ve got someone?

We do everything for our children, have amazing family around us, we work full time and provide for the children. The children wish we were back as a family so do the kids wishes get listened to?

Dear H1234,

Thank you for your further post.

You ask if it would be a good idea to attend couples counselling together. Many people find both couples counselling and individual counselling to be very helpful. Regardless of whether you do reconcile as a couple you are going to be co-parents for many years and counselling could help you to navigate this. Ultimately this will benefit your children. I also mention individual counselling as it may be helpful for you to have a professional counsellor/therapist to speak with and give you the space to navigate the next steps (whatever they may be).

You also ask what other courses you can do. I previously gave you a link to the Freedom Programme which I would suggest you have a look at as this is a very well known course for people who have experienced domestic abuse. You can find information about this HERE. The course is online and costs £14. This link HERE takes you to the RESPECT website. They work with perpetrators of domestic abuse so your ex-partner may find this helpful.

I would encourage you not to focus on other people’s stories of their children being removed as it is not possible for you to know all the details of these situations. Sometimes people share their stories on Facebook for example, however they may not share all the relevant information which can result in misleading information. As I have encouraged you to do previously, I would repeat that if you do decide to resume your relationship with your ex-partner then the best way to reduce children’s services concerns is to be completely open and transparent with them from the start.

You ask whether you should have a solicitor before notifying children’s services of your intentions. Ultimately it is up to you whether you wish to seek advice from a solicitor, however this will not be covered by legal aid so this could be costly. You may find it helpful to talk things over with a solicitor, however unless children’s services have begun the pre-proceedings process or court proceedings a solicitor is limited in the support that they can offer.

Finally, you ask whether the children’s wishes will be listened to. The wishes and feelings of the children should always be taken into consideration (see Section 1(3)(a) of the Children Act 1989. However it is crucial to note that the Children Act 1989 also makes it clear that the “child’s welfare” should be the “paramount consideration” (see Section 1(1)). This means that children’s services must prioritise the child’s safety over their wishes and feelings. Sometimes this means that children’s services or the court make decisions that a child does not agree with, because this will keep them safe.

I hope that this is of some help. Please post again if you have any further queries or you can call our free, confidential adviceline on 0808 801 0366 (Monday to Friday, 9:30am – 3pm). We also have a webchat which is currently open on Monday and Thursday afternoons and you can contact us via our advice enquiry form.

Best wishes,
Suzie
Family Rights Group Adviser