Having a relationship with a sex offender and having your own child

[KCD]

Hi I’m looking at getting some advice on my quite complex situation please. I’ll try and make it as simple as possible. Sorry it’s so long.

I have a 10 month old son and I got back in contact with an ex (D) who is a sex offender which I knew when we were together. He was having consensual sex with a 15 year old who claimed to be 17 when he was 20. I know the ins and outs and trust him to be around my son. He was on drugs and I said I’d be happy for him to be a part of our lives but the drugs were to stop before he met my son. He did stop and due to the stress of living across the road from my son’s biological father and being harassed by his girlfriend I decided to stay with him for a bit out of the area. When I reached out to the council to move close to him SS got involved. At first they said (D) wouldn’t be allowed around my son unattended which I said was okay. I was made to return to my own house even though I told them me and my son weren’t safe there. We were then placed in temporary accommodation provided by SS as I refused to return. I was forced to go back to my house and my son was placed on a child protection plan for neglect. I am now in a new house away from (D). SS are now saying (D) isn’t allowed around my son at all even though nothing new has happened and there is no reason for the risk to be heightened. They have said it’s because they don’t believe I understand their concerns.

I am now currently pregnant with (D) and really not sure how my future is going to look. I understand SS will remain involved but I don’t feel the protection plan is necessary. They said (D) can see my son if a third party is present but they are taking ages to grant that. I am a single mum with no help whats so ever. (D) and his family are the only help I’ve had and I really need their help especially with now being pregnant and exhausted. SS have said my son will remain on the protection plan if (D) remains in our lives so basically he loses the only father figure he has and (D) misses out my pregnancy because we can’t always have a third party with us. SS have said my baby will most likely be put on a protection plan too however (D)s probation will be over around the time baby is due to be born in May 2024. Can we argue that if he’s not on the register anymore they can’t place our baby on a plan? SS completely isolated me during my first pregnancy due to his biological father and I feel they are going to do it again. (D) now refuses to see either of us because of the stress and fear of the situation. This will be our last child so it would be nice to actually enjoy this pregnancy and not have strangers take it away from us.

If anyone has any advice that would be great.

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear KCD

Welcome to the parents’ discussion board. Thank you for your post. My name is Suzie. I am Family Rights Group’s online adviser. Congratulations on your pregnancy. However, I understand that this is also a stressful time for you and your family.

Your baby son is subject to a child protection plan. You are in a relationship with a registered sex offender who was convicted of a sexual offence against a child. You are now expecting a baby together. Your partner is not allowed to be around your son. Due to the stress of the situation, your partner is not seeing you. Your previous pregnancy was isolating and you are worried that you are also isolated during this pregnancy. You are also worried about what will happen when the new baby is born.

Children’s services have stated clearly that they have concerns that your son is at risk of harm, that they will remain involved in your son’s life if you remain in a relationship with your partner and they are concerned that you do not understand their concerns about him.

Now that you are having a baby together, children’s services will need to do a pre-birth assessment. You can find out more here. There can be different outcomes to pre-birth assessments but as your son is already on a child protection plan then the baby may also be placed on a child protection plan, as children’s services have suggested. You don’t think that a protection plan is needed, this may be why children’s services are worried that you are playing down the concerns. You will have parental responsibility for your baby as soon as they are born (your partner won’t unless you are married or his name is registered on the baby’s birth certificate) so children’s services will be looking to you to make safe decisions for the baby.

I would recommend that you consider asking the social worker to refer you to a ‘mothers as protectors’ or protective parenting course so that you have support and help to enhance your ability to recognise and respond to risk of sexual harm. You acted on your concerns about your partner’s drug use and insisted that he stop taking drugs before he became involved with your son. But you were less concerned about his conviction for a sexual offence against a child. If you are able to access a specialist programme this might be very helpful to you and it may also help reduce children’s services’ concerns.

The Parents Protect website and Stop it Now’s family and friends forum are both worth looking at.

Your partner is the father of your unborn baby so children’s services will need to work with him and risk assess him. If he wants to be involved with the baby he should be proactive in contacting the social worker to ensure that the risk assessment is undertaken sooner rather than later. He should also follow up on potential supervisors as he is the person who may need to be supervised around the baby.

The fact that your partner’s period of registration as a sex offender will have ended by the time your baby is born does not mean that a child protection plan cannot be made for a child. Plans are made based on a decision that a child is suffering or is likely to suffer significant harm. However, it is relevant information. Your partner may want to get in touch with the Unlock charity for advice about the implications for him when his registration ends.

This is clearly a difficult time and you are under a lot of strain. As you say that your partner’s family have offered you the only help you have had, you could ask children’s services to arrange a family group conference to help harness their support safely. Please see here for more details.

I hope this helps.

Please post back if you have any new queries about children’s services . Or you if prefer you can ring the freephone advcie line on 0808 8010366 (Mon to Fri, 9.30 am to 3.00 pm), ask a question via our advice enquiry form or use our webchat.

Best wishes


Suzie

[KCD]

Hi thank you for your reply. I’ll ask about the courses. If I do them will that help them believe I can protect my son? He told me about the offence when we first met and has always been honest with me. Once SS were involved I did request a Clares law to make sure 100% he told me everything which he had. As someone who really struggles to trust men I don’t let them near me let alone my child so I am very careful who I let near him it’s just unfortunate that we have to deal with this as I do completely trust (D). I gave details of (D)s mum and brother back in May and details of my friend in august to be a third party supervisor but none have even been checked. I was told a few weeks ago I would be able to have a risk assessment to supervise myself however I have been told today I can’t have one and (D) will not ever be allowed to see either children and won’t be allowed at the birth but then after said he may be allowed access with our baby at a contact centre without me. If he isn’t allowed at the birth I will have to give birth alone as I don’t have anyone.