Worried that social services will become involved. Allegations

[Worriedmother97]

So I'm in a bit of a tricky situation. I'm a mother of three, two of my children were removed due to me using drugs which I'm now not using anymore. They are still with their fathers. I had another baby with a new partner who is currently in prison, we were both using drugs together but I got clean when I found out I was pregnant. I got to keep the baby but had to end the relationship with the father.my baby was previously on child protection but since I had been getting negative drug test results they ended their involvement and I haven't had them back involved since. However, I have met someone new two months ago and I've just discovered I'm pregnant again. We live together at my address and he's so different to the other partners I've had in the past, but he had social services involved with the other children he has with his ex due to her having kids removed before and his criminal background. His ex has all of his children in her care and he doesn't see them as he feels this decision is best due to not wanting drama with her and wanting to focus on me, my little boy and our baby who will be due in a few months. However, a lot of people are telling me that his ex partner had him arrested several times for domestic violence and apparently the reason their relationship ended was because social services told her if she didn't leave him then she was allowing her kids to witness violence. He told me it was all lies and since he was never convicted, only accused, surely this doesn't count? I believe him 100 percent as he has never hit me or been horrible to me, and all his ex seems to do is put in child support applications even though he's struggling and has our baby to provide for and my son. She doesn't seem like a very understanding woman so I wouldn't be able to message her and communicate anything with her. What I would like to know is, will social services visit me due to the allegations from his ex in their relationship? I'm worried that they will get back involved if this is flagged up. His ex had social services involved for a year after the allegations but the case is now closed, he was also allowed unsupervised contact afterwards which makes me thing perhaps the authorities may have thought she was lying? im under so much stress worrying.

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear Worriedmother97

Thank you for your post and welcome to the discussion board. My name is Suzie, I am on online adviser and will be replying to you today. I am sorry to hear of your situation, it must be a stressful time for you.

You are a mother of three children, two of whom live with their fathers and one lives with you. The father of your youngest child is in prison, and you are pregnant with your current partner’s child.

In the past you were involved with children’s services under a child protection plan due to you and your ex-partner’s substance misuse. Once you found out you were pregnant with your third child, you stopped using drugs and your child remaining in your care.

You have since met someone else and are now pregnant with this person. He was previously known to children’s services due to his ex-partner’s history, his criminal background and concerns regarding domestic abuse. The children are in their mother’s care and your partner does not have contact with them. You say this is because he does not want ‘drama’ with his ex-partner and wants to focus on you, your son and his unborn child.

You are concerned that your partner’s domestic abuse is the reason he does not have contact with his children and that his relationship ended with his ex-partner because of this. Some people in your community have told you that children’s services made a request to the mother to end the relationship otherwise she would have been failing to protect her children from witnessing domestic abuse (and they may have escalated their involvement). You do not feel able to approach the mother for clarification. Your partner has told you this is not true, that he has never been convicted of domestic abuse and that his ex-partner made malicious allegations against him. You believe your partner, you have not experienced any domestic abuse or cause for concern and are seeking advice on this matter given your parent was not convicted of a crime.

You are seeking advice and guidance on whether children’s services will be informed of your situation and if this will be flagged with them.

I think, for your own peace of mind, it would be a good idea to make an application to Clare’s Law. I have added a link HERE . This scheme enables the police to release information about any previous history of violence or abuse a person might have.

Under Clare's Law you can:
• apply for information about your current or ex-partner because you're worried they may have a history of abuse and are a risk to you
• request information about the current or ex-partner of a friend or relative because you're worried they might be at risk

Concern that a child is experiencing or witnessing domestic abuse is a very common reason why children’s services become involved with families. Research shows that children can suffer long-term. And the legal definition of significant harm specifically includes a child hearing or seeing someone else being harmed (see section 31(9) of the Children Act 1989).

It is important that parents and carers understand what is meant by domestic abuse. And that they understand the ways in which children’s services might become involved. This includes unborn children. This is because the procedures that should be followed by children’s services will depend on whether children’s services think:

 A child needs extra help and support or
 A child may be at risk of significant harm (child protection involvement).

Please see HERE for further information and guidance to our domestic abuse information.

At your midwifery appointment they will have asked you whether children’s services have been involved previously. If you said yes, then depending on the circumstance they may make a referral to children’s services. I think from the information you have shared they are very likely to make a referral. Children’s services will then have 24 hours to decide whether you and your situation meet the threshold for an assessment. I have added HERE And HERE details of the two assessments available to them.

In this type of situation, honesty is the best policy. By informing them you will demonstrating that you are responsible and willing to work with children’s services to demonstrate that you and your partner are and will be safe parents to your child and unborn.

If you did not inform the midwife, then I would strongly advise you to do so or to contact children’s services direct to inform them. If you do not, professionals, when they do find out (as eventually they will, either pre or post birth) they will have concerns that you have not been open and honest with them and refrained from telling them historical concern which will worry them.

I have added HERE guidance we have created when working with social workers. How to work with them and what you may wish to consider if things are not going so well.

I hope you find this information helpful. If you would like to talk to an adviser at Family Rights Group about your situation, please call the freephone advice line on 0808 801 0366, Mon to Fri, 9.30 am to 3.00 pm. If you prefer, you can post back, use our advice enquiry form or webchat. Please refer to our website for further information.

Best wishes, Suzie

[Worriedmother97]

Thank you for your advice. I had my first booking appointment with the midwife and I told her his children has children's services involved previously but that it was due to the mother having children removed previously. I didn't mention what I have heard about the DV. Will I get into trouble for not mentioning this? I'm worried that given both our history that social services may not give us a chance. If it turns out that he may have been abusive to the ex partner, does this automatically mean that he won't be able to parent with me?

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear Worriedmother97

Thank you for your further post. I hope your midwife appointment went well and that your pregnancy is progressing well.

It is good that you let the midwife know about your partner’s previous children’s services involvement. I am guessing you also mentioned your own past involvement. You are worried that you did not say to the midwife that you have heard that children’s services were involved due to domestic abuse. It would have been better if you had been able to mention this but if children’s services decide to assess they will have this information already, if it was a previous concern.

It is a good idea for you to do a Clare’s Law application, as suggested previously, so that you have a more detailed picture of the situation and are fully informed. It would be better for you to be proactive in requesting this information rather than relying solely on what your partner has told you or children’s services telling you.

If you would like to discuss the process or outcome of a Clare’s Law application with a specialist domestic advice service, then one of the agencies here may be able to help.

Did the midwife say that they were making a referral to children’s services?

If children’s services become involved, then this would be a pre-birth assessment in relation to your unborn baby; they would also need to assess your son’s needs.

In addition to the links provided previously, please see our advice about pre-birth assessments. If your partner was abusive in the past this will be a factor which children’s services will need to explore if they are assessing especially as domestic abuse often begins or escalates in pregnancy, so this is seen as a high-risk time. Any recommendations they make will be based on their assessment of the current situation and taking account of history too. Your partner appears to be minimising the concerns which is not helpful. I am attaching a link to FAQs on domestic for fathers which includes advice for expectant fathers too. If children’s services become involved, your partner should work openly and honestly with them too.

I hope this is helpful. Please post back or contact the advice service via one of the other options here if you have any further queries about children’s services’ role.

Best wishes

Suzie

[Worriedmother97]

Thank you for your response. Unfortunately I received a call from children's services yesterday. I have since had a disclosure from the police that my partner does in fact have an extensive history of abuse against his ex partner, children's services visited me at home. They have told me that partner cannot live here and that he can't have contact with my child while they do an assessment. They said if I do not co operate with this request then they may take further steps which could include asking the court to remove my son. Is this correct? I have decided that if this puts my son or baby in jeopardy then I might end the relationship. If I end the relationship would children's services be more likely to work with me to keep the baby and my son in my care? Some of the things that were disclosed shocked me and I'm not sure of this is a safe relationship to be in after what I have been told. They told me a member of the public flagged up the concern about partner via an anonymous report

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear WorriedMum97,
Thanks for your updating post.

I am sorry to hear about your distressing situation. You now have clarity about your partner’s history of domestic abuse and the concerns of children’s services but must be dealing with a range of difficult feelings including shock and fear.

Children’s services have asked you to prevent any contact between your son and your partner while they carry out an assessment of risk. You write that children’s services told you that if you did not agree to this request, they would consider making an application to court to remove your son from your care and you are asking whether this can actually happen. Children’s services have a duty to protect your son and unborn baby from the significant harm of witnessing domestic abuse and conflict. They are aiming to work with you collaboratively to ensure the safety and wellbeing of your children. If it was felt that you were not willing or able to work within the suggested safety plan it would be possible for children’s services to make an application to court to ensure your child’s protection.
You can read about child protection procedures here, child in need procedures here, and care proceedings here.

I was very struck by your honesty in your recent post. You are not seeking to minimise your partner’s history of domestic abuse and you are clear that your children are your first priority.

I hope that children’s services are also discussing ways you could find emotional and practical support to adjust to these new circumstances. You can read about ways for parents to be to find support here.

Your partner may voluntarily agree to your rules around contact, but if he does not you will need advice on legal protections such as a non-molestation order. An independent domestic violence adviser (IDVA) would be able to support you to talk things through and find your way to practical solutions. You can read more about the role of an IDVA here. Useful links to domestic abuse support organisations are here here.
Information on how children’s services should work with families in the context of domestic abuse is here.

I am wondering if you could also seek support from your friends and family network as you plan for the birth of your baby and the early days of parenting with the two children in your sole care and all the everyday adjustments to your routine that this will demand. Family group conference could be a way of bringing your network together to talk through how they can best support the children to be safe and remain in your care. Information about family group conference is here. You could ask the social worker to refer you to the family group conference service.

Birth Companions are a charity that support mothers approaching birth in difficult times. You can link to their website here.

I am conscious that there is a lot of information in this response and it could be hard to know where to start.

Ask the social worker to help you connect with domestic violence support agencies and if possible you could also talk things over with a trusted family member or friend.

Your new situation has placed a huge burden on your shoulders at a vulnerable time and I want to remind you that although things are very difficult you do not have to face everything alone.

You may find it useful to speak to one of your advisers on the advice line open Monday to Friday, 9.30am to 3pm (excluding Bank Holidays), on 0808 801 0366.

Thank you for sharing your experiences here. I think reading your observations could help others facing similar dilemmas.

I hope this helps.

Best wishes,
Suzie

[Worriedmother97]

Thank you for your advice. I definitely think getting a support network around me will be a good thing for me to do. Social services have advised they will work with me but I think they would prefer it if I went alone with the unborn baby. They couldn't disclose too much detail due to the confidentiality of his ex wife but they did tell me that these incidents happened Infront of his children as well, so I must definitely do everything I can to protect my children. If any other readers are reading this, I would advise that of you have a very new partner who seems charming and goes above and beyond, do a Claire's law check anyway. My partner had led me to believe that the incidents were all his exes fault and that she's crazy and needs to be sectioned. I've reached out to her and she's actually really lovely and gave me the extra information that social services couldn't disclose to me, she said if I need any support regarding domestic violence if he escalates anything when the baby is born then she's happy to give me the names of organisations that helped when she and her children had to flee temporarily. Since I posted on here I have had some escalations where he has made some horrible social media posts about me and I've had some texts that I have now contacted the police over which they are now dealing with. It amazes me that someone can go from appearing as such an amazing person to somebody who is so nasty in the space of a few days. He is no longer in my home and I have stuck to the safety plan. But I do believe that I went straight into this relationship with rose tinted glasses and I am grateful to the member of the public who flagged this up to social services as I would never have known. Social services have also recommended a course which helps to recognise abusers in the future but she said that will probably be offered after the birth of the baby. It's not worth losing your kids over a man with a history of violence.