Please please need advice

[AUADHDmum26]

Hi all,

I don't know how to start with asking for advice and I am begging you not to judge me, I swear I am not a terrible person and would never do what I am being accused of.
I suffer with severe anxiety, depression, PTSD. I have had 8 kids and have buried 3 of them my eldest doesn't live at home so for the situation I'll say s1, s2, D1, d2 - d2 is a non verbal autistic, D1 is being tested for ADHD and autism. H is for hubby s3 is my oldest who doesn't live at home. We have a history with ss because of false accusations and I have been arrested once before from a false accusation from D1 and released NFAed

On Saturday 14, I had been town with son 1, I overspent on my shopping and went home very stressed as we didn't have loads of money before being paid. H and I had a disagreement about it and D1 asked me if I was okay and if it was anything to do with her as she could see I was upset. I explained I was upset with me, it was no fault to her at all. My h and my kids went shop and he had brought home vodka and 2 coke it was a 70cl. I hadn't eaten anything all day and I take responsibility on that cos I know I should have done. We made up h and I and I was fine, my daughter had asked me 2 more times if I was okay and had she done anything to upset me and I repeated no and everything was fine now, my d2 was in the kitchen with h and I playing with pots and pans, I had a bag of crisps to try and put a lining on my stomach. I have gone in front room, my daughter at some stage has spoken about a vr headset she wanted but her current room is too small and we are in the process of giving my girls the bigger room and I have fell asleep. I wake up to police in my room (my bedroom is downstairs due to sciatica issues and I can't always get upstairs) . My daughter has rang police and accused me of strangling her which I have no memory of arguing with her at all. Both s1 and s2 are upstairs during this whole time. I was taken by police and wasn't released until the following day, I was told I was being investigated and social workers would be involved I can't go home I can't see my children and I was to find alternative accomodation.

The reason I am asking for advice is am terrified this will be prolonged until my bail conditions end in may or extended. I have never spent this long away from my children and I am fully aware that I shouldn't have drank on an empty stomach. I agree and hate myself for it. I have had alot of history with mental health and have been put on the waiting list for intensive CBT and EMDR therapy. I am not an alcoholic but I do have a problem with bingeing and I have accepted this and accepted pathways which I plan to do. I am scared ss and police are either going to throw me in jail or not let me home for a long time I have been told I have to have supervised visits.
Im sorry for info dumping on you all but I am terrified of what's going to happen and I am fully aware that my children are h need me
My D1 who made the complaint has said she wanted to teach me a lesson and only wanted me away for one night. My D2 is non verbal autistic and this has affected her immensely, she won't sleep and my H is sleep deprived he is surviving on 2 hours of sleep per night, I am keeping a sleep diary of how my autistic D2 sleeps. I urgently need to be able to go home to relieve some of the stress and be able to help.
I am desperate for advice
What on earth can I do?

[VD2ER]

I presume the children are at home being looked after by H.

I also presume you have bail conditions that only allow contact with your children with agreement of the Local Authority. This would negate the need for the Local Authority to gain a court order. The irony is if you hadn’t agreed to the bail conditions then gaol would have ensued and this case would have been resolved more quickly.

The Local Authority's primary concern is perceived risk and with children’s welfare second. I’m confused when you mention you keep a sleeping diary for D2, is she living with you? Have you always kept this diary?

I’m sure some would say that you shouldn’t coerce a witness, but until D1 retracts her accusation the current situation will remain until a full investigation or the bail conditions lapse. Perhaps H can talk to her?

If it’s your word against D1, and there is no other history or evidence, then a prosecution will fail.

[AUADHDmum26]

Thank you for your reply. I've kept a sleep diary for D2 since January, I am allowed to contact my H and he informs me when my d2 sleeps and wakes. There is no evidence against me. My D1 will be speaking to the SW later as they are trying to get her to do a video interview which she doesn't want to do.
You said I could have said no to the bail conditions? I didn't feel I had a choice, I had to stay on my s3s couch for two days. I have never been in this position before and never been convicted of a crime.
How do I argue the bail conditions?
Thank you

[Winter25]

Hi AUADHDmum26,

I’m really sorry you’re going through this. What you’re describing is frightening, disorientating and deeply distressing, especially being separated from your children so suddenly. I want to reassure you on a few key points and gently correct some misunderstandings in the replies you’ve had.

First, about bail conditions.
In practice, most people are told bail conditions are “non-negotiable” at the police station, especially when children are involved. That doesn’t mean you did anything wrong by agreeing, it means you were frightened, exhausted and doing what most parents do in that situation. You are not expected to argue bail conditions at 3am in custody.

Importantly, bail conditions can be varied. You do not have to wait until May automatically.

You (or your solicitor) can apply for a variation of bail conditions if circumstances change or if the conditions are causing disproportionate harm, for example:

there is no physical evidence,

the complainant does not want to proceed with an interview,

your presence is necessary to support a disabled child,

supervised or indirect contact could manage any perceived risk.

This is done via a solicitor or duty solicitor, and sometimes directly through the police bail team or magistrates’ court. It is not confrontational, it is procedural.

Second, about “until D1 retracts”.
This is really important: you must not ask, pressure, or encourage your daughter to retract anything. Even well-intentioned contact can be misinterpreted and make things worse. You are doing the right thing by letting professionals speak to her without interference.

The fact she doesn’t want a video interview does matter. If she refuses an ABE interview and there is no corroborating evidence, the police investigation often struggles to progress.

Third, about social services and removal fears.
Right now, your children are at home with their father. There has been no emergency removal. That is significant.

Children’s Services are usually looking at:

whether there is an ongoing risk,

whether protective steps are already in place,

whether parents engage with support.

You’ve already:

accepted support for binge drinking,

engaged with mental health services,

acknowledged poor judgement without minimising,

maintained involvement in your children’s care (sleep diary etc).

Those are protective factors, not reasons to prolong separation.

Fourth, about the sleep diary and your autistic child.
Keeping a sleep diary, especially one you’ve kept consistently since January, shows continuity of care, not control or interference. It also evidences the impact your absence is having, which is relevant when professionals consider whether continued exclusion is proportionate.

Fifth, and I want to say this gently this is not a moral judgement process.
Police and social services are not there to punish you for drinking on an empty stomach or for having trauma. They are assessing risk and next steps. One incident, without evidence, does not automatically mean long-term exclusion or prison.

What you can do now:

Ask for legal advice urgently about varying bail conditions.

Keep doing exactly what you’re doing: calm, factual, compliant.

Avoid speculating about prison or worst-case outcomes, nothing you’ve described points to that.

Let the process run without trying to “fix” it emotionally
=======
For full transparency, I am not an official adviser. I am a parent with lived experience of the family court system, offering strategic guidance. Always consult with a solicitor regarding ongoing court proceedings.

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear AUADHDmum26

Welcome to the parents’ forum and thank you for your post. I am Suzie, an online adviser for Family Rights Group responding to you today. Please be assured that this is a non-judgemental space.

You described a situation where, after a stressful day and drinking on an empty stomach, you fell asleep and later learned that your daughter (D1) reported an allegation that resulted in police involvement, your arrest, and bail conditions preventing you from returning home or seeing your children except under supervision. You are terrified about how long this will last, worried about the impact on your family, especially your autistic daughter (D2) and you want advice on what to do so your children’s needs continue to be met, and your family can be reunited safely.

I would like to start with reinforcing the advice previously given by another user: no pressure should be placed on D1 to withdraw or change her account, regardless of what she has since said. Children must be able to speak freely to professionals without fear of upsetting a parent or of consequences. Any pressure, however gentle or unintended, can make a child feel responsible, scared, or conflicted. You also want to protect yourself. If professionals think a child is being influenced, coached, or pressured to retract, it can significantly escalate concerns and make it much harder for conditions to be relaxed or for you to return home.

There was also already a good clarification about possible confusion regarding the term “agreeing to bail conditions.” At the point of arrest, bail conditions are not something a person can negotiate or refuse. “Agreeing” simply means you understand and will comply; it does not imply consent or that you had a choice.

It has already helpfully been pointed out that bail conditions can be varied later, usually through your solicitor. Variations may be considered when circumstances change, when restrictions cause significant hardship, or when professionals believe risks have reduced. Children’s Services support can be a key factor in whether police agree to changes the bail conditions .

The most important step now is to remain open, calm and to work collaboratively with children’s services.
Their primary focus will be safety, stability, and your insight into what happened. You’ve already taken responsible steps by seeking support for your mental health and acknowledging the risks that occur when drinking while stressed or not eating. Continue attending any appointments, engaging in therapy pathways, and keeping records of everything to show consistency and commitment to reducing risk.

Although supervised contact must feel difficult for you, it’s not a punishment. It’s a temporary safeguard while professionals gather information. Use this time to show emotional warmth, predictability, and attunement to your children. Your sleep diary for D2 is a positive example of how you’re continuing to prioritise your children’s needs even while separated.

Although you didn’t comment on this directly, it is very likely that Children’s Services will now undertake a child protection investigation . This usually involves gathering information from you, your partner, the children (in an age appropriate way), the school, and any other relevant professionals. They will consider the level of risk, what support your family needs, and what safety measures are required while the police investigation is ongoing.

You may be invited to a child protection conference , where professionals review the situation together and decide whether a child protection plan is needed. This process can feel intimidating, but it is not designed to punish—it is designed to assess risk, identify support, and keep families together wherever safely possible. Showing insight, cooperation, and a willingness to work on identified areas of concern will strongly influence how this process progresses.

To help you feel more confident and informed, you may find it useful to read our guide for working with a social worker which you can find HERE
The guide sets out useful tips, how to communicate effectively, and how to show meaningful engagement and what to do if things are not going that well. This resource can help you navigate the process more smoothly and reduce some of the anxiety around what comes next.


If you need further advice or guidance as the situation continues, please do come back to us, either by posting here again, sending an advice enquiry form, or calling our free and confidential telephone advice line on 0808 801 0366 if you would prefer to speak with an adviser directly.

Best wishes
Suzie

[AUADHDmum26]

Thank you both for replying. Yes we are going to be doing a child protection conference. I met with the social worker for the first time when I seen my children under supervision on Monday.
My D1 has since said to her dad that she wants to talk to me and have me home. We have had issues with social in the past mostly around malicious calls and drink
I admit that in the past I have been less than forthcoming about drink as I didn't see it as an issue since I didn't do it all day every day and I will reiterate that I have accepted the support now.

I am very worried that my h is unable to cope with how demanding my D2 is.

I have contacted a solicitor as advised by both of yourselves and citizens advice. If I had to take over my children I would in a heartbeat especially my D2. My D1 has refused to wash her hair until I can do it for her. She won't let her dad in the bathroom no matter what solution he tries to come up with.

This whole situation is affecting my family immensely. I admit I shouldn't have drank and I hate myself for being in this position but I am at a total loss at what I can do to help my H now.

I tried calling mental health when i knew mine was deteriorating but the helpline was less than helpful and has made me feel worse
I have never been in this position before I want more than anything to correct it.
Thank you again for your advice

[AUADHDmum26]

One more thing I'd like to ask about. I am head of claim for universal credit, I am the head tenant for the house all the bills are in my name. I am confused whether everything should be changed to my H whilst I am not at home.
Is this the case? It worries me cos the place where I am living is also under my name and I don't want to have arrears at home.
Thanks

[Winter25]

The fact that this is moving to a child protection conference does not automatically mean long-term separation or that you won’t be able to return home. It means professionals want to formally assess risk and put safeguards around the family. Given the allegation, alcohol concerns, and previous history, that step isn’t surprising, but it’s not the same thing as a decision having already been made.

It’s also important that you’ve now been open about alcohol use and accepted support. That matters more than people realise. Professionals look very closely at insight, honesty, and willingness to engage , not perfection.

What you’re describing with your children is also very telling. A child refusing to wash her hair unless you do it, and a non-verbal autistic child struggling with sleep and regulation, doesn’t mean their father is failing in anyway but it shows how central you are to their emotional regulation. That will be taken seriously. It’s also okay to say clearly that your husband is struggling to meet D2’s needs alone. That isn’t blame on him but it’s safeguarding reality.

Now to your practical question, because this is really important.

Universal Credit, rent and bills

You do not need to immediately change everything into your husband’s name just because you’re temporarily not living at home.

If:

you are still the head tenant

the tenancy is still yours

you intend to return home

this is a temporary safeguarding arrangement

then it is usually appropriate for things to stay as they are for now.

What you should do is:

inform Universal Credit that you are temporarily away from the property due to safeguarding / bail conditions (you don’t need to go into detail)

make sure rent and bills continue to be paid as normal, whether from your account or via an agreed arrangement with your husband

Do not rush into changing tenancy or UC claims unless:

you are told formally that the arrangement is long-term, or

a professional specifically advises it

Changing everything prematurely can actually create more instability and arrears, not less.

If you’re unsure, Citizens Advice or the UC journal is the right place to check, but for now, nothing suggests you must immediately hand everything over.

What you can do right now in my view

Keep engaging calmly with Children’s Services
Continue accepting alcohol and mental health support
Make it clear that the current arrangement is putting strain on your children and your husband
Let your solicitor guide you through the CP process

Don’t punish yourself endlessly , professionals look at what happens after a crisis just as much as the crisis itself

You are not a lost cause. You are not beyond repair. And this doesn’t define the rest of your life or your parenting so please try not to dwell on what happened but focus on moving forward. The past is just that, we can not change it but we can grow from it.

Keep posting if you need to.
========
For transparency: I’m not an official adviser , I am a parent with lived experience in the family court for almost 8 years offering peer support. Always take legal advice in court proceedings

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear AUADHDmum26

Thank you for your further posts. This is Suzie, Family Rights Group’s online adviser again.

I am sorry that the situation is still so stressful for you and your family. It is very good to hear though that you are accepting support in relation to alcohol use. That shows your determination to tackle one of the areas of concern. Getting help with problematic alcohol use should help both you and your family.

I am glad that you have now seen your children, under supervision. Children's services should review the arrangements as the situation evolves.

It is disappointing that you received a less than helpful service when you contacted a mental health helpline. There are several helplines who are there to support people in stressful times or where they have enduring mental health difficulties. Perhaps you would like to call a different helpline where hopefully you will be able to access better support. I will add a link to mental health support services here. The children’s charity, Family Line offers emotional support to anyone struggling with family difficulties and they can be contacted in several ways, including out of normal office hours.

You are going to get legal advice from a criminal lawyer about the possibility of varying the bail conditions; it is good to find out what you can do.

There is now going to be an initial child protection conference to decide if your children need to have a child protection plan in place to safeguard them. I know that child protection is a daunting process. But you have already begun trying to make changes, to get support and you are seeking advice to help you engage with the child protection process. We have produced tips for getting ready for a child protection conference which may help too.

We also have a template letter (1) which you can find here if you are vulnerable or as you have mental health difficulties and so would like to formally ask children’s services to provide you with an advocate to help you participate fully in the child protection conference about your children. There is a dearth of advocacy services nationally so it may not be possible, but it is worth asking if you have a specific need. You can find out more about working with an advocate here.

You are worried about how your family are coping without you especially how your husband is managing to care for your daughter D2 whose behaviour can be challenging and your daughter D1 who struggles with some aspects of personal care without you. It is reasonable for you and your husband to let children’s services know how difficult this is and to ask what they suggest can be put in place to help alleviate the stresses.

Although your husband has told you that your daughter D1 wants to talk to you and for you to be home, it is important that you continue to comply with the bail conditions currently in place.

If you have a family /friends network and would like to involve them more in helping you and your family draft a family safety plan you can ask children’s services to arrange an FGC (family group conference) to bring this network together. To find out more about FGCS to help you decide if this is something practical that could help your family, please see our detailed advice here.

You are wondering how the current situation – where you are residing away from the family home - will impact on your housing and benefits as you explain that you are the lead tenant and lead claimant for universal credit claim. It is very responsible for you to think ahead about how this is managed so that your family does not run up any arrears, miss payments or compromise your claim. As another parent has advised your current situation is ‘temporary’ while a police investigation is underway and while children’s services assess risk and put a plan in place to safeguard your children.

This is not an area that we can provide any detailed advice on but as suggested by another parent, it is a good idea to get advice from an expert welfare/housing adviser such as Citizen’s Advice.

Your local authority may also have a welfare rights service. The social worker may be able to direct you to this.

Also, if you are a council or housing association tenant your housing officer may be worth speaking to.

The government website highlights that universal credit claimants need to report changes to their circumstances as soon as they happen, so as suggested by another parent, you may need to contact Universal Credit with an update on your current situation.

Once the conference has happened, you will hopefully be clearer about what to expect; the conference will devise a plan that is specific to your family’s situation and your children’s needs. Please seek further advice as and when you need to. We have several options where you can seek advice which you can find on our get help and advice page.

I hope this is useful.

Best wishes

Suzie