Family Rights Group | Parents’ Forum

I dont even know where to start with this it is so distressing. I have 2 adult children. Both have ASD and neither were diagnosed until they were in their 20s. My son has always displayed challenging behaviour and has been difficult to manage since adolescence. My daughter is a much more sensitive soul. She has struggled with an eating disorder for many years and eventually had a huge crisis in 2022. We discovered she was pregnant in March and discussed all the options and she decided to keep her baby. I made it clear I'd support her in every way I could.

During the pregnancy my son's behaviour has become completely unmanageable and very abusive. As they both live with me still it's really impacted on my daughter too. 95% of his abusive behaviour is directed at me and at times I've had to call 999 to defuse it. This has led to safeguarding referrals for me and my daughter.10 of them. None of which were followed up. I have also asked my gp to help encourage my son to engage with mental health services. All they do is immediately discharge him with no follow-up. I have self referred to adult services and they won't engage at all either.

Two weeks ago there was an incident of abusive behaviour towards me and my son self harmed so I called 999 again. This time they safeguarded the baby. He is due in two weeks and they have waited the entire pregnancy to suddenly spring into action. Just as my daughter is heavily pregnant and we should be making the final preparations they have hit us with a sec 47.

They are isolating my daughter to the point she thought it was a friendly process, they told her they were doing it when she was alone, without any suggestion she should bring support to the meeting. They are playing my daughter off against me and manipulating her into accepting a placement in a mother and baby unit without any discussion about other possible alternatives such as supporting my son move into accommodation away from the family home.

They are aware breaking up our household will cause us to lose our family home. When this have been mentioned by myself or my daughter they shut the discussion down. They simply don't care. They haven't offered any information about the mother and baby unit to her and won't even discuss it with me.

Today I had to kick my son out to preserve the peace in the house and I hope the social worker will chill out a bit because she's awful. They have been inactive all this time and then do this! He's so vulnerable and needs help and social worker ignored a call to ask for an adult services referral.

Not a single professional has contacted me about my wellbeing or safety dispite the police raising concerns. I am literally exhausted and so distressed at the complete butchering of my family after completely ignoring us for years when we've asked for help.

I'm unable to sleep or eat and am so stressed about supporting my daughter through the birth on no sleep. I'm not even sure if either of my kids will be living at home this time next month or where my grandson is going to be.

I'm scared she'll have the baby and they'll get a court order to force her to move to the mother and baby unit so making my son homeless will have been for nothing.

Any advice would be so welcome. I feel completely overwhelmed by this.

Dear Augh

Welcome to the parents’ board. Thanks for your post. My name is Suzie, Family Rights Group’s online adviser. I am sorry to hear about your family's difficult and distressing situation , especially during your daughter’s pregnancy.

I will respond to your post here today but please you post any further on queries on our specialist kinship carers’ forum where you can get advice and support as a grandmother from other family members. I provide advice there too.

Thank you for providing background information. Both your adult children have ASD . Your son behaves in a challenging and abusive way. He recently self-harmed. Your daughter has an eating disorder and had a crisis two years ago. She made an informed decision to keep her baby, with your support. Your son’s behaviour escalated during the pregnancy. You had to call the police several times. You asked your son to move out to safeguard your unborn grandson. He did.

Children’s services are now involved. They are doing a child protection investigation.

You say police made numerous safeguarding referrals. It is hard to understand why children’s services did not undertake a pre-birth assessment or start the child protection investigation sooner. You have been seeking help for years. Your daughter is vulnerable in pregnancy due to her to her ASD, eating disorder, past crisis and being exposed to her brother’s increasingly abusive behaviour in the family home. Children’s services are worried that these impact on the baby. You/ your daughter may wish to make a complaint about the past lack of support and the delay in assessing your unborn grandson’s needs. Each agency has its own complaints procedure. Children’s services’ complaints process is complaints/here.

The situation is urgent. It may be best to focus on the child protection process and what may follow. Your grandson is due in two weeks. Children’s services are concerned that he is at risk of significant harm, they have a duty to safeguard him and ensure there is a safe plan in place for him

You haven’t said if the baby’s father is aware/involved. Children’s services will enquire about him and must involve him if they can.

I can see that this situation is taking an emotional toll on you and your family. My advice will focus on the child protection process, but I will also make suggestions for you and your son too.

Please see our advice on child protection processes . We also have tailored advice for expectant parents including how children’s services may respond when there are concerns about a baby’s safety which you can find here. There may be a pre-birth child protection conference and then a discharge planning meeting before the baby leaves hospital. The social worker is already recommending that your daughter agrees to go to a mother and baby unit with her son. You are right that other options can be explored such as returning home, with supervision. Your home situation is now different as your son has moved out. So, children’s services could consider a plan for your daughter to return home or within the wider family network with her baby with a robust plan of support or supervision.

If children’s services don’t agree with your daughter and her baby coming home, you are worried that they may seek a court order to force her to go to a mother and baby unit. If they assess that this is necessary for the baby’s immediate protection (and to keep mother and baby safely together) then this would either be:

• With your daughter’s consent i.e. under a voluntary section 20 arrangement , or
• By asking the court to make an emergency protection order or later an interim care order to allow them to make decisions for the baby.
In an emergency, they can ask the police to take a baby into police protection (this lasts for up to 72 hours).

I would recommend that your daughter:
• Finds a children-law accredited solicitor – she can do this via the Law Society website
• Seeks legal advice if asked to agree to a section 20 arrangement or if children’s services inform her that they are going to court.
• Urgently asks children’s services to provide her with advocate to help, due to her vulnerabilities. Please see our template letter (1).
• Looks at our guides to working with a social worker, working with an advocate, and working with a solicitor, here.
• Asks children’s services to arrange a family group conference to bring the family network together to plan how they can support your daughter to care for the baby or to identify who could care for the baby if the baby’s parents cannot.

When your daughter is in hospital having her baby and in the post-natal period, she and her baby should be treated with respect and care by all the professionals involved during this will sensitive time. The Nuffield FJO have published here good practice guidelines to inform how safeguarding professionals work with families.

You can find services who may be able to advise you and your son in relation to your needs in the domestic abuse, disability, mental health, and housing sections of our useful links. Family Line offer emotional and befriending support to those struggling with aspects of family life. And the Samaritans always offer a listening ear.

I hope this helps. Please seek further advice as needed via one of the options here.

Best wishes

Suzie